OP here- thank you for not making fun of me or saying I was crazy! Dealing with special needs in the schools is so tricky and I don't often feel like I have anyone to just express my insecurities to. Thank you for letting me do that on an anonymous forum! I am going to look at the positive side for now- that there are multiple people trying to help my child. That being said, I am not sure I will ever go to a meeting alone again!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't feel alone, it is like that for me too. When the teacher or I requests a simple meeting just to discuss dd's progress, every single time I go in, the counselor, reading specialist, and also the tutor who was a teacher at school was also there. We stopped using the tutor partly because we felt so ganged up on. We use an outside tutor now. We seem to have a good relationship at school, and I am just used to all these extra people at the meeting. Then it seems like they use up all the meeting time talking, and I have very little time to talk before the morning bell. It's very frustrating.

I'll say it again, this is an intimidation tactic. When they have more people at the meeting than you do, they get more time to speak and they have someone there who agrees with them and backs up their opinion. Even when there is no formal "vote," your view is out-voted. Unless there are specific reasons for each different school staffer to be at the meeting, you are being intimidated. They rely on the fact that you want a good relationship and don't want to complain. Don't play into this. Document it and complain about it.

Thanks that is an interesting perspective. I am new to this process and already sick and tired of it. But I know we have to trudge on to get the services we need.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Each time you meet, you can ask the surprise attendees, "Ms. XXX, I'm surprised to see you here. I wasn't informed that you would attend. Can you tell me why your presence is necessary at this meeting?" Also ask, "Do you regularly attend all teacher/parent meetings, or just those for 504 or IEP students?"

If there's no reasonable explanation and it's more than an isolated incident, write a letter afterwards complaining to the principal that this is an intimidation tactic to keep you from working collaboratively with the teacher about your student's needs. It's also discriminatory in the sense that it places unreasonable increased burdens on the parents of kids with IEPs or 504s. It could also be perceived as retaliatory if you have made complaints before.

Copy the special education supervisor or the 504 supervisor in the central administration. They hate to receive complaints that lay a paper trail for retaliation or systematic discouragement of parent participation.

NP here. It is behavior like this that makes teachers guarded.

Sorry, but the teachers were guarded before this behavior -- that's why they showed up with an excessive amount of people at the meeting. Don't blame the parent for the school's bad behavior.

If there is a real reason for multiple staffers to be present -- that's OK -- but if not, they are just trying to intimidate the parent.

AMEN. +1000

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Each time you meet, you can ask the surprise attendees, "Ms. XXX, I'm surprised to see you here. I wasn't informed that you would attend. Can you tell me why your presence is necessary at this meeting?" Also ask, "Do you regularly attend all teacher/parent meetings, or just those for 504 or IEP students?"

If there's no reasonable explanation and it's more than an isolated incident, write a letter afterwards complaining to the principal that this is an intimidation tactic to keep you from working collaboratively with the teacher about your student's needs. It's also discriminatory in the sense that it places unreasonable increased burdens on the parents of kids with IEPs or 504s. It could also be perceived as retaliatory if you have made complaints before.

Copy the special education supervisor or the 504 supervisor in the central administration. They hate to receive complaints that lay a paper trail for retaliation or systematic discouragement of parent participation.

NP here. It is behavior like this that makes teachers guarded.

Sorry, but the teachers were guarded before this behavior -- that's why they showed up with an excessive amount of people at the meeting. Don't blame the parent for the school's bad behavior.

If there is a real reason for multiple staffers to be present -- that's OK -- but if not, they are just trying to intimidate the parent.

Anonymous wrote:Don't feel alone, it is like that for me too. When the teacher or I requests a simple meeting just to discuss dd's progress, every single time I go in, the counselor, reading specialist, and also the tutor who was a teacher at school was also there. We stopped using the tutor partly because we felt so ganged up on. We use an outside tutor now. We seem to have a good relationship at school, and I am just used to all these extra people at the meeting. Then it seems like they use up all the meeting time talking, and I have very little time to talk before the morning bell. It's very frustrating.

I'll say it again, this is an intimidation tactic. When they have more people at the meeting than you do, they get more time to speak and they have someone there who agrees with them and backs up their opinion. Even when there is no formal "vote," your view is out-voted. Unless there are specific reasons for each different school staffer to be at the meeting, you are being intimidated. They rely on the fact that you want a good relationship and don't want to complain. Don't play into this. Document it and complain about it.

Anonymous wrote:Each time you meet, you can ask the surprise attendees, "Ms. XXX, I'm surprised to see you here. I wasn't informed that you would attend. Can you tell me why your presence is necessary at this meeting?" Also ask, "Do you regularly attend all teacher/parent meetings, or just those for 504 or IEP students?"

If there's no reasonable explanation and it's more than an isolated incident, write a letter afterwards complaining to the principal that this is an intimidation tactic to keep you from working collaboratively with the teacher about your student's needs. It's also discriminatory in the sense that it places unreasonable increased burdens on the parents of kids with IEPs or 504s. It could also be perceived as retaliatory if you have made complaints before.

Copy the special education supervisor or the 504 supervisor in the central administration. They hate to receive complaints that lay a paper trail for retaliation or systematic discouragement of parent participation.

NP here. It is behavior like this that makes teachers guarded.

Don't feel alone, it is like that for me too. When the teacher or I requests a simple meeting just to discuss dd's progress, every single time I go in, the counselor, reading specialist, and also the tutor who was a teacher at school was also there. We stopped using the tutor partly because we felt so ganged up on. We use an outside tutor now. We seem to have a good relationship at school, and I am just used to all these extra people at the meeting. Then it seems like they use up all the meeting time talking, and I have very little time to talk before the morning bell. It's very frustrating.

^^^ yeah, sad, but true

This is going to sound terribly harsh, but it's the truth. Honestly - get used to the discomfort. Sure, it probably is not really about you or your child THIS TIME. But you will get there one day on something or many things. Get used to being "that" parent. The only way you can be comfy and friends with the system is to go along with whatever it recommends and not ask questions, challenge direction, etc.

I'm speaking not only as a parent, but as someone with close ties to the decisionmakers with the purse strings at our county's board of ed. The parents that watch, challenge, complain, escalate are the ones whose kids get services. The THAT parents are the ones that will get the services for their kids. Sure, there may be some blow back, such as discomfort, slower response time from staff, feeling like an adversary and not a partner, but their kids are not the ones ignored, shuffled along, etc.

I've learned from personal experience that I need to be THAT parent. My calls are no longer returned same day, nor are my emails. I know and accept I'm THAT parent. But I can tell you that I'm getting a heck of a more for child by documenting, demanding answers, escalating, using an advocate, and being what I'm sure they think is a giant PITA.

I get your feelings OP. Sometimes there is a level of tension between my DC's teacher and other staff/faculty during simple conversations and more formalized meetings. I have to force myself to let go of my "hurt" feelings. These professionals are people too and come with their own baggage and emotions (ie family stress, work stress, having your boos at meetings, etc). If the big picture is one of kindness, respect, and a genuine interest in your child's educational experience then it all good! AND only a month to go, so many of us have 1 foot out the door already!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you turn your attitude on its head? Instead of being embarrassed/ashamed/frustrated by having all of your kid's professionals at a meeting, you could chose to be grateful that the whole team is there and working to make sure everyone is on the same page.

What did you hope to get out of that meeting that you couldn't get because the other team members were there? Did you have an agenda that you couldn't address with the other professionals there?

Your team sounds very professional and kind to me.

OP here- I WANT to feel this way! I am so thankful for all of the hard work they do with my child, but they were so guarded yesterday and it doesn't expalin why it takes two people to call me. As I said earlier, I know I am just venting. This is not a big deal, but at the same time I don't want to feel uncomfortable with every meeting for the next 5 years. I will try to be more positive about it and think they did it for good reasons and not because of a bad reason- thanks for the reminder!

Following on, what about softening the situation with an email - Dear Teacher, thanks for meeting with me yesterday. I didn't know Jane and Susan would also be there- it's wonderful to know that my child has a team of people working to help him. I can see how much you care. The goals we discussed yesterday, X & Y are very helpful. Etc.

I bet that would make everyone exhale a bit.