OP, in my job (therapist) I work with so many people who had dealt with the death of a parent or other close family member from cancer. I myself lost my own mother to cancer when I was 14. I truly sympathize and wish your family the best.

I'm not sure I have any advice, but here's what I've observed... families that were close, loving and found a way to talk honestly about the cancer and what they were going through (without being traumatically overwhelming) usually result in children that are better able to deal with the loss. My family wasn't so great at talking about my mom's cancer, and my dad was especially unaware with how to deal with it. Other people I've talked to professionally and personally have been luckier. Their families made an unbearable time more bearable by being more honest and open with their kids. You seem like good parents. That will help a lot.

Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers for healing.

Please tell their counselors at school to let their teachers know. Sometimes we'll see out of character behavior at school and it helps to understand the full picture.

I was 13 when my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer and 15 when she died.

Be prepared for them to be angry with you. And to quite possibly take it out on your wife because it isn't cool to be mad at the sick parent.

In the age of Dr. Google, I'd probably be honest with the older child. And be careful, because they can overhear all sorts of things you don't think they are listening to.

Right now, go eat ice cream and popcorn and watch some funny movie (without dead parents) in it and just revel in family time.

OP, don't get ahead of yourself by telling them any negative prognosis. I would tell them only that you are having treatments done, what the treatments are, and mention the type of cancer.

OP, I am so sorry.

My best friend was diagnosed with cancer several years ago. Her kids were even younger than yours, and they started group therapy at Life with Cancer. After she died, her family continued with grief counseling. It is a great organization, and I highly recommend it.

Anonymous wrote:My mom died of brain cancer while I was still a teen. It sucked, but I am grateful that she was straightforward about telling us the truth. I wish that she had done some of the stuff that folks have recommended here - notes for my birthday or wedding - because she didn't, and I'm always a little empty at those milestones and not being able to share with her. I think she didn't because she waited too long and then felt incapable. So be it.

But there is something she did right that I wanted to share: she kept being with me, and savoring every moment we got. I remember one day well into the 22 months of her illness/decline, she and I went out to the grocery store. I don't remember why, but what I remember is that we bought strawberries in the off season. We were a frugal family, and that wasn't a normal thing to do. But she and I sat in the car in the sunshine, and ate every single strawberry. We didn't say much, but I remember how the sun felt on my face, how peaceful it was to have her next to me, how loved I felt, how perfect those moments were even though we were in a terrible time. We never told anyone about the strawberries - my dad would have complained because they were like $5/box - but I feel like she was teaching me how to slow down and just be. I think of her every time I see strawberries, and I am so grateful that she kept teaching me lessons even in those hard days.

I am so, so sorry that you are your family are going thru this. I hope that you and your doctors will kick your cancer's ass, and that you will have a long and wonderful life.

Your mom was awesome and she must have loved you a lot. You gave her a great gift by letting her just sit there and love you while you guys ate the strawberries.

Does the hospital have child life specialists? They are a wonderful help.

Anonymous wrote:I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and my prognosis is not very good. My wife and I told our children today since I will be starting chemo on Wednesday. My Doctor's office gave us some resources to help tell the children for which I am grateful. As you can imagine the conversation did not go very well. I am not looking for sympathy. I am seeking out other families that have been through something similar. I want to understand what this is going to do to my children. This is going to be very hard on them especially the oldest. How do i make this easier on them? I am at a loss here . . . any advice is appreciated.

A very good friend of mine from college died of cancer about 4 years ago. He had two kids: 11 and 8. They had a tough time with their dad's death, but with the help of their mom, their extended family, and friends they got through it.

How do you make it easier on them?

Tell them every day that you love them.

When you feel like being up and around during chemo, make sure you spend some time with them. Chemo is a sort of a black hole. People don't feel good during chemo. My friend said that chemo days were the worst, and on day 2, he was feeling better, and on day 3, he felt human again, but day 3 was the day he went for more chemo. He tried to spend time with his kids on day 2 or breakfast on day 3.

When you are in between rounds of chemo, do stuff as a family. My friend went to Scotland with his kids and to Disney World.

Make sure your legal house is in order. Get all your beneficiaries straight on your accounts and your real property and your life insurance. Make sure that your spouse knows how to apply for your SSI benefits for the children. (They can draw your SSI until they are 18.) If you and your wife feel good about where the finances are, you both will feel calmer and the kids will feel calmer.

There are therapists and support groups for kids of parents with cancer.

My sibling and I were teens when our mom died of cancer. You've received a lot of good advice on here and I wanted to really echo the poster who said to be careful about telling your kids how "brave" or "good" they are because as that poster said, then you feel like you can't share any of your sad or scared feelings. I remember going into the bathroom and turning on the faucet every time I wanted to cry, because I didn't want my mom to hear me and be worried about me. My mom took us to one of her chemo sessions and it demystified it for us - your 13 yr old may want to go with you. (On a side note I also had cancer as an adult and there was a man in the infusion room who had his 3 kids with him one days, the youngest was probably 5 and the oldest 10.). Therapy will be really important to give your kids an outlet to process how they feel. Your kids will be okay - their lives will be different but okay. this is a shitty hand for you and them but as humans we are programmed to move forward. Best wishes to you, OP.

This is 15:04 again. Just realized that I didn't answer your question. Yes, they will be okay. That you're even thinking about this tells me that you are kind and engaged and can build (or likely already have) a support structure that will get your kids through these hard days. They will never, ever, ever forget you. They will tell their children about you. They will be ok.

My mom died of brain cancer while I was still a teen. It sucked, but I am grateful that she was straightforward about telling us the truth. I wish that she had done some of the stuff that folks have recommended here - notes for my birthday or wedding - because she didn't, and I'm always a little empty at those milestones and not being able to share with her. I think she didn't because she waited too long and then felt incapable. So be it.

But there is something she did right that I wanted to share: she kept being with me, and savoring every moment we got. I remember one day well into the 22 months of her illness/decline, she and I went out to the grocery store. I don't remember why, but what I remember is that we bought strawberries in the off season. We were a frugal family, and that wasn't a normal thing to do. But she and I sat in the car in the sunshine, and ate every single strawberry. We didn't say much, but I remember how the sun felt on my face, how peaceful it was to have her next to me, how loved I felt, how perfect those moments were even though we were in a terrible time. We never told anyone about the strawberries - my dad would have complained because they were like $5/box - but I feel like she was teaching me how to slow down and just be. I think of her every time I see strawberries, and I am so grateful that she kept teaching me lessons even in those hard days.

I am so, so sorry that you are your family are going thru this. I hope that you and your doctors will kick your cancer's ass, and that you will have a long and wonderful life.

If things are grim use the time to write them letters and cards fit their wedding day, birthdays, etc. keep as many memories alive as they grow and be there for th with love, support and wisdom even if you are not here. Lastly, find the best damn doc in the country for your disease. A friend went to New Orleans for pancreatic cancer treatment and is still kicking 5 yrs out despite what other local docs said.

I'm am sorry op. God bless you and your family!

You did the right thing, OP.

DH worked in a cancer ward a long time ago. Some parents told their kids nothing at all, others were very open. Trauma to family members is much worse when information has been concealed.

Children need to know, and be included, and it's better to tell them early because who knows how your treatment might go. Be matter of fact and stress that death is not something to be afraid of, and that pain can be managed. Tell them how they will be looked after in the future if the worst happens, and tell them where you are going, according to your beliefs. Talk to them as much as you can, write letters for them, take pictures.

Our best friends are currently undergoing the same thing, and because they thought their only child was too young (7), they ended up glossing over all the details and reassuring her that her father was not going to die... but his prognosis is actually not that good, so I hope it will turn out OK. Ugh.

Bets of luck to you, and stay strong.

I am so very sorry, OP. Be as open and honest as you can with your children and keep a "one day at a time" attitude around them. And try not to put them in the position of telling someone (their friend's parent for example) of your condition for the first time - sometimes an adult's shocked reaction can really freak them out. Try to tell as many of their friend's parents, teachers and your neighbors as possible.

I would also caution you about praising them for being so brave/strong. This was really a double-edged sword for me as a kid - telling me how brave I was when my mother was sick made me feel as if I couldn't ever express "not brave" feelings. Also my mother made a point of telling me it was okay when I'd forget her illness for a moment and do something totally normal (like getting mad at her for not allowing me to go to a sleep-over).

The family photograph idea is a great one. I truly wish we had one of our family when my mom was still healthy.

I have some amazing memories of my mom that were made during her illness. Things that make me smile to this day. I wish you and your family the best.