Anonymous wrote:Just wondering about this observation of my family and friends' families. The grandparents who are willing to help parents out--especially grandparents who are happy to take the grandkids for a few hours or a weekend so that mom and dad can have some couple time--seem to be successfully married. Like they understand what couples need to reconnect and how hard it can be with young kids. OTOH, grandparents who are not willing are oftentimes divorced or unhappily married and they either (still) don't understand or are unwilling to help out their kids in this way. Anecdotal, but wondering if anyone else has observed this?

No, my parents were happily married for nearly 51 years (Mom passed away in March) chose to be vacation/holiday parents. They were not the type to "help out" they were happy just being grandparents on vacations and holidays. Last summer, DH and I had our first two nights (in a row) together without children since the eldest was born. He turned 17 last month.

DH's parents were happily married and by the time our children came around, were burned out of the whole grandparent thing.

I think some of it was their age and their generation- neither set had grandparents help with our generation and all were born between 1929-1933. They grew up during the depression and came of age during WWII. "Couple time" is a post 1960's idea.

Anonymous wrote:My husband's parents are both dead, and they don't help at all.

What a weird comment.

My parents and my husband's parents are happily married and happy to help with the kids. My mom's parents were very unhappily married but also always happy to help and extremly present in our lives when my brother and I were little. My dad's parents were happily married and also always happy to help. So no, I don't see that connection in my personal experience.

Being happy & healthy, not having some personal or marital crisis, would free grandparents up to be more involved, but it's not always so simple.

My parents help out as they can and they put a lot of effort into visiting us from afar. They're able to do that because they don't have a crisis going on at home that requires their full attention.

My ILs, on the other hand, have tried to help but they've got a lot going on in their lives, and in their marriage, that require them to stay where they are and to focus on their own issues. It's not as simple as being happy or unhappy, healthy or sick, etc - it's also a matter of circumstance. So we try to keep them involved even though they can't really visit often and when they do, we can't leave the kids alone with them.

My parents are quite happily divorced. However they are on good terms after many years of working at it and adjusting. They are both wonderful grandparents who like to help and be involved. My father is remarried, his wife is also a great grandmother.

So, not happily married to each other, but happy in their own lives and more than willing to help out in all kinds of ways.

My parents are stil together and are great grandparents. ILs are still together and I wouldn't leave DC with them if they were the last humans on earth. I would have a family of gophers raise them instead.

Nope. I have no idea why my parents are still married but they are incredibly generous with time and money.

Anonymous wrote:Just wondering about this observation of my family and friends' families. The grandparents who are willing to help parents out--especially grandparents who are happy to take the grandkids for a few hours or a weekend so that mom and dad can have some couple time--seem to be successfully married. Like they understand what couples need to reconnect and how hard it can be with young kids. OTOH, grandparents who are not willing are oftentimes divorced or unhappily married and they either (still) don't understand or are unwilling to help out their kids in this way. Anecdotal, but wondering if anyone else has observed this?

True for us BUT we also work on our marriage. Having time to have sex helps but won't fix other problems in a marriage.

My widowed mom will do anything and everything for my DS and watches him a couple days a week and has watched him for weekends so that we could go away together. Or overnight so that we can sleep in (during baby stage).

My in laws are also local and are happily married and retired but like to be with each other. They help out if we ask but never offer and also need to be given lots of notice. They also don't do anything separately - drive together to go places, do everything together. So happily married but obsessed with each other in a way!

Anonymous wrote:

OP, I totally believe your theory. Happy people are involved in their grandchildren's lives - ALL of their grandchildren, not just whom they choose. If there is favoritism or lack of involvement, it is (from what I have seen) usually because the grandparent is selfish, and/or not a happy person to begin with.

Also, good parents make good grandparents, great parents...great grandparents, and lousy parents make lousy grandparents - from what I have seen.

And I have seen many, many grandparents interact with their grandchildren and children!

I fully agree about the theory of happy people rather than marital status.

In laws are horrible people, parents and grandparents. They will not drive ten minutes to see her dance even though retired and no hobbies or volunteer time. They have not even volunteered to take her to a park. They haven't even bought her a balloon, they are millionaires and married still after 35 years.

My mom and stepfather are millionaires and spends lavishly on the kids and she is the best and most loving grandma ever.
My dad and stepmom love the little ones too.

My kids talk more about and ask for both sets of my divorced parents who live 3000 miles away versus the mean selfish ones who live ten minutes away.

My husband's parents are both dead, and they don't help at all.

Interesting. My husband's divorced parents do not help at all and have hardly any relationship with their grandchildren.

My happily married parents help a lot and have a close relationship with their grandchildren.

I never really thought about it that way before.

Anonymous wrote:Just wondering about this observation of my family and friends' families. The grandparents who are willing to help parents out--especially grandparents who are happy to take the grandkids for a few hours or a weekend so that mom and dad can have some couple time--seem to be successfully married. Like they understand what couples need to reconnect and how hard it can be with young kids. OTOH, grandparents who are not willing are oftentimes divorced or unhappily married and they either (still) don't understand or are unwilling to help out their kids in this way. Anecdotal, but wondering if anyone else has observed this?

I think this is a wonderful observation!

My parents are together and happily married and would do ANYTHING to help us out. They don't even live in state, and they have flown in to take care of the kids for a weekend. DH's parents are divorced, and while they would help us in a bind, they are not as generous about their time. DH's parents are also in terrible second marriages as well, so I'm sure that's part of it.

My parents have been happily married for 46 years and they help out whenever they can. They live 9 hours away, but we see them probably 5 or 6 times a year. They offer to help in whatever way they can- I had surgery recently and they came up for 3 weeks because I was off my feet for awhile. When they come up, they always offer to babysit so DH and I can go out. They urge us to do overnights, etc. The next time they're up, my mom asked if she could take them to my sister's (who lives close) for a sleepover. My sister has no children and I think my parents are accepting that these will be their only grandkids.

My MIL is divorced (FIL passed away after their divorce) but has a long-term boyfriend. She lives half away across the country and is only here once a year. She does not offer to help out at all with the kids and my husband has said he doesn't trust her to watch them alone even for two hours.

Anonymous wrote:

OP, I totally believe your theory. Happy people are involved in their grandchildren's lives - ALL of their grandchildren, not just whom they choose. If there is favoritism or lack of involvement, it is (from what I have seen) usually because the grandparent is selfish, and/or not a happy person to begin with.

Also, good parents make good grandparents, great parents...great grandparents, and lousy parents make lousy grandparents - from what I have seen.

And I have seen many, many grandparents interact with their grandchildren and children!

+1.

I am blessed to have the family that I have!