Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is she?

11. I found a math test from December and wanted to throw it out. She was crying she wants to keep it because it's good. The problem is she wants to keep EVERYTHING. There is literally no carpet space without crap on it. She wants to keep a Hello Kitty wrapper because she likes the picture. She wants to keep the Build-a-Bear box (the bear does not live in it) because she likes the box. And on and on.

Whoa. She shouldn't throw out her math tests until the year is over. She may need them to study off of for the final exam. And what's wrong with wanting to keep a good test?? I still have essays I wrote in high school.

The toys are another story. But really, you should not be telling her to throw out tests in classes she is still taking.

AND teachers do lose things, on occasion. She definitely shouldn't be throwing out a math test from December.

Nope, not backing this up. Your child sounds very over whelmed and needed direction and help, not her mother to throw a hissy fit.

Let her keep her crap. It's junk to you but special to her. You sound controlling.

If the room was kept up regularly you would not have had this problem. 3 hours of cleaning, you expected a miracle. You, OP, failed. Your child failed also.

Sure, I'll back you up. Except in extenuating circumstances, we do not do events for fun until we have taken care of our obligations.

Keeping our home/our rooms clean and our stuff picked up is an obligation that we have as members of our family. It is simultaneously a safety issue (messy room is a tripping hazard and hard to evacuate in an emergency), a question of forming good habits, and a respect issue twice over. The first way it is a respect issue is that a tidy room shows we respect ourselves and our family home. If I did not tidy up the main living areas of our home, it would be saying that I do not think my family is worth enough of my effort to not live in a mess. If my kids do not clean up their things from the common areas or tidy their rooms it is similarly saying that they believe themselves and their family are not worthy of clean and pleasant surroundings. The second way it is a respect issue is that tidying up shows respect for our belongings which are bought with money that at least one member of this family worked hard to earn.

If this is a major issue for you and your child knew this in advance, I think it is reasonable to have a major consequence such as missing the event.

That being said, there are a few points where I disagree with your stance or that I think might be beneficial for you to consider. Since you asked in your title for people to back you up, which means you didn't intend this thread to become a debate or exchange of conflicting views, feel free to skip the rest of my post. However I'll throw some thoughts out there in case you are interested.

1. If the expectation that the room had to be clean or no event was not spelled out in advance I think that may have been a mistake. I personally don't like for my kids to feel "blindsided" by consequences, so we have some pretty consistent expectations and if I am going to impose a specific consequence outside of the norm for a certain behavior I tell them that going into the situation so they know what they are getting if they choose to misbehave or not meet expectations.

2. If regular room cleaning is not currently an expectation in your home I think DD probably felt overwhelmed and reacted badly due to that. This is not an excuse for her behavior. You offered to help her, she declined, you came to help her later, you offered all the right supports. And, crying fits/tantrums are for toddlers not mature young ladies who are able to use their words. So this isn't to say that she shouldn't have had consequences because she should. But maybe in the future it would be beneficial if you could work with her on a system of organization and a method for how to clean a room that has turned to a wreck so that this does not happen again.

3. I would reconsider having her throw out graded work from the current school year. I would advise this only if (a) the grade from the quarter the test was taken is finalized and on her report card AND (b) there is no cumulative final exam where she could need to use the old test to study.

I think a lot of assumptions are bring made. A really messy room means different things to different people. I doubt the room was at hoarder-status. I'm hoping the op will come back with more details.

I think your DD has some issues--kids can hoard, btw.

The scenario you described sounds like she may need some help. Has her room ever been cleaned, by her? And how clean is your room and the rest of the house, as an example? She may have needed clearer direction, and she may not know how to take on the task.

Here's my question to think about: what's so bad about keeping some things? can you get her some boxes to throw that stuff in? Yes, it sounds like her room is out of control, but it also sounds like you aren't meeting her where she is, and respecting who she is.

Clearly, she was overwhelmed by the cleaning. Take her to the container store for some pretty bins. Make sure she has enough shelving. Don't ask her room to look like a magazine, but start teaching her to clean. Teaching.

I'm not sure I would have let her go to the event, but I also know that if she is upstairs crying, the room is still messy, and you are seeking anonymous support, then you didn't pick the right path.

I've read that creative people may want to keep things because they can imagine a use for them or imagine needing them some day. Is your daughter very creative, OP? If so it may help to say: I know that you are so creative that you can imagine doing great things with these objects one day, but in life it's important to have a beautiful living space and to be able to find things easily and move around rooms freely. Even though you appreciate that these objects are beautiful and could have some use, you still need to let most of them go. You need to think about your lifestyle overall.

Anonymous wrote:I would let DD go to the event. The room should not have gotten so out of control that it would take three hours to clean. A child (or even teen) could easily feel overwhelmed and not know where to begin. Next week I would make a plan to tackle the job and then for regular maintenance. For example, day 1, pick up all the dirty clothes and put in hamper. Day 2 wash and put away the clothes. Day 3 pick up all the books and put on shelf. When all is back in shape, schedule 10 minutes of pickup time per day. I would not punish a child by taking away today's event when this problem must have been building for some time.

I agree w pp! I would let her go to the event. You as the mom need to show & teach her how to clean and organize. It's not completely her fault it got this bad. Now if she did this in a day, then sure ground her but if not you really are being a mean mean mommy.

I dunno. You allowed this, presumably, to build up over time, then decided today that enough is enough. I can't imagine my kids' room (they share) being so messy that it would take 3 hours to clean and go through stuff. You let it slide for so long that your daughter either forgot, never learned, or became disused to what should be a regularly occurring task.

My mom would do this to us - let it go for months, then decide on what seemed like a whim that everything needed to be clean, stat. I hated it. It took a long time for me to learn to change my habits and begin doing the little things daily instead of letting things pile up. I sure didn't learn from my mom.

Anonymous wrote:You did the right thing. It is so important to set these expectations and stick to them.

Consider a trip to target or the container store to help her get organized.

Not right to take away today's event just because OP suddenly got bothered by a problem that she has been part of for years. Very inconsistent parenting. This random and reactive punishment will not help to solve the problem or contibute to a positive parent-child relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is she?

11. I found a math test from December and wanted to throw it out. She was crying she wants to keep it because it's good. The problem is she wants to keep EVERYTHING. There is literally no carpet space without crap on it. She wants to keep a Hello Kitty wrapper because she likes the picture. She wants to keep the Build-a-Bear box (the bear does not live in it) because she likes the box. And on and on.

Whoa. She shouldn't throw out her math tests until the year is over. She may need them to study off of for the final exam. And what's wrong with wanting to keep a good test?? I still have essays I wrote in high school.

The toys are another story. But really, you should not be telling her to throw out tests in classes she is still taking.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's called parenting. You go, girl!

+1

+2

Has she been out of school all week making her mess? How did it happen? OP did the right thing for today.