Anonymous wrote:OP-- I asked for advice, not to be berated. He has his good qualities, but he doesn't seem to get it that he needs to pull a bit more weight. Right now, the burden is falling on me. I'm the one who budgets, I'm the one who packs the lucnhes,plans the meals, scrounges on ebay for items instead of buying from the store...

I'm looking for ways to show him that we need that extra security.

Tell him. Just sit him down and tell him what you expect from him. Write down your budget and income (including sources) and show it to him. Talk to him about how you plan to increase your portion of the income and ask him what his plans are to increase his share.

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- it was silly of me to seek advice from strangers. This is probably more of a relationship issue anyway.

Yeah, sorry OP. The holier-than-thou brigade jumped in before the reasonable folks. If you still want other comments, though, maybe it's worth posting this in the relationships part of the board. And it might be helpful to share what it is your husband says when you have these conversations about his earnings -- is he completely silent? Has he offered any explanation or thoughts about why he stays in one place?

Anyway, seriously, good luck to the both of you and good luck with your pregnancy. And hang in! Just keep remembering why you loved him in the first place, and put that in the front of your mind as you go through this tough patch. He can't be ALL bad.

OP, my DH is an executive at a small-medium company. He got his first raise in 3 years in September. Then last month they had massive layoffs and he got a paycut that pretty much brought him right back to where he was before the raise. I am also in the private sector and haven't had a raise in 4 years.

My point is that your expectation that your DH can easily get another job and that he's being a jerk may be really off base. Just because you think he deserves to be paid better (I certainly believe I should be paid more for the amount of work I do/my level of expertise), the harsh reality is that the job market doesn't always reflect that.

OP-- I asked for advice, not to be berated. He has his good qualities, but he doesn't seem to get it that he needs to pull a bit more weight. Right now, the burden is falling on me. I'm the one who budgets, I'm the one who packs the lucnhes,plans the meals, scrounges on ebay for items instead of buying from the store...

I'm looking for ways to show him that we need that extra security.

I've been right where you are OP. I told Dh that I didn't marry to be broke all my life and would rather be single. I know it's harsh, but I know I'm not willing to spend the rest of my life struggling and being broke. No I don't expect to drive a new BMW or live in a $500k house, but I'm not up for struggling either.

It was a rough time in our marriage but DH tripple his salary and things are much better. We did also do counseling and our counselor explained that for a woman money equal stability and most women want stability.

So your husband lacks ambition and doesn't earn enough. You knew that before becoming pregnant... like when you married him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good luck. You sound very charming. Instead of worrying about a BMW, you may want to worry about retirement, day care, baby needs, college fund, etc.

She said

This is not a situation where I need my man to make more $$$ so I can have a BMW.

It is a situation where she wants more... it doesn't matter about if it is a BWM or what, but they are not financially responsible given it sounds like they both have ok income.

Seems to me she wants more stability and doesn't want to bear the brunt of the financial burden. Wanting "more" isn't necessarily a bad thing. I don't think OP wants more crap -- she wants more security.

And why does he have to bear the brunt of the burden?

If she wants to be more secure she should make it happen or she should have thought about that before deciding to have a child.

That isn't the alternative.

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- it was silly of me to seek advice from strangers. This is probably more of a relationship issue anyway.

There you go. You're probably upset about your chosen partner in life's lack of ambition but take a serious look at yourself. Relationships are opportunities to grow so take advantage of the challenge and use it to your benefit

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good luck. You sound very charming. Instead of worrying about a BMW, you may want to worry about retirement, day care, baby needs, college fund, etc.

She said

This is not a situation where I need my man to make more $$$ so I can have a BMW.

It is a situation where she wants more... it doesn't matter about if it is a BWM or what, but they are not financially responsible given it sounds like they both have ok income.

Seems to me she wants more stability and doesn't want to bear the brunt of the financial burden. Wanting "more" isn't necessarily a bad thing. I don't think OP wants more crap -- she wants more security.

And why does he have to bear the brunt of the burden?

If she wants to be more secure she should make it happen or she should have thought about that before deciding to have a child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you should of thought about this before you got pregnant. Just assuming your partner will figure out how to make more money while your pregnant is poor planning on your part.

+1 why get pregnant if you aren't financially ready for one?

Oh, come on. Most of us are not financially ready or have our lives totally ready before we get pregnant. Thing is for OP, I think she needs to look at other mechanisms for making her life more comfortable. For example, downsize. And, while I'm sure we would all love to pay for our kids' higher education, maybe OP needs to accept the reality of her financial situation and downsize her expectations. For example, maybe she can't cover tuition at a private college, but maybe it is realistic to prepay a community college/four year education at a state school.

It is far better to enjoy your life while you are raising your children then to do something you don't want or won't like because it makes more money.

OP, best way to convenience him is to set a good example and earn more yourself.

Anonymous wrote:You guys are harsh...

Totally. I don't know why the OP has to expect a bunch of assholish responses before anyone really answers her question. I mean, she's pregnant now so making snarky comments about that is irrelevant as well as deeply mean.

However, OP, I do agree with the person who said that this isn't really a money question -- it's a communications/relationship question. It may be that your husband really, really loves his job, even though it doesn't pay much. Or he may be reluctant to take on the extra work or responsibility that would come with a higher salary. Or he may feel, for some reason, unqualified or unprepared to take that next step. I don't know what the issue may be, but it sounds like you've had this conversation enough times now that maybe he's tuning you out instead of really trying to think about what's going on. Perhaps a third party might be able to bring some clarity to the situation?

At the same time, though, you need to be prepared for the idea that maybe your expectations from him around this issue are too high. I'm not saying you're wrong to want financial security. But if a higher-paying job turns your husband into a miserable wreck, well, maybe the money is not worth that. I'm just suggesting that both of you need to be open to changes, not just him.

Good luck with this. Money issues are so challenging when both partners aren't on the same page.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good luck. You sound very charming. Instead of worrying about a BMW, you may want to worry about retirement, day care, baby needs, college fund, etc.

Bingo.

OP, you have a lot of nerve. Get a job and make up the difference yourself.

I have a job. I said I was the primary breadwinner (I make twice what DH does) and I'm looking for something new at 6 months pregnant. He's not lifting a damn finger.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good luck. You sound very charming. Instead of worrying about a BMW, you may want to worry about retirement, day care, baby needs, college fund, etc.

She said

This is not a situation where I need my man to make more $$$ so I can have a BMW.

It is a situation where she wants more... it doesn't matter about if it is a BWM or what, but they are not financially responsible given it sounds like they both have ok income.

Seems to me she wants more stability and doesn't want to bear the brunt of the financial burden. Wanting "more" isn't necessarily a bad thing. I don't think OP wants more crap -- she wants more security.

Anonymous wrote:Good luck. You sound very charming. Instead of worrying about a BMW, you may want to worry about retirement, day care, baby needs, college fund, etc.

Bingo.

OP, you have a lot of nerve. Get a job and make up the difference yourself.