He's planned 2 in 11 years of marriage. One was our 10 year anniversary dinner out.

He does - he's the romantic one. He tells me how formal to dress and when to be ready. He also makes most of our social plans as a couple.

This date night crap is fruit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is this "date night" of which you speak?

In all seriousness, I am very sad about the fact that DH cannot be bothered to plan a night out for the two of us. My birthday has now become a family outing.

For our anniversary, I secured the sitter and reservations. DH didn't even take the time to get a card and sign it. It is the thought that counts. I would like there to be some indication that spending time with me is important to him. One way to do that is to arrange time together without kids or other couples.

It is somewhat reassuring to read that my DH isn't the only thoughtless a$$.

You should tell him that you want to spend time with him alone. Be SPECIFIC. According to my DH, men are clueless and need things spelled out for them. They're not idiots, they just don't understand subtle hints. Once I accepted this as a truth in life, I don't waste time with subtly. I am very direct with DH, including saying, I want sex tonight. Or "this anniversary we will celebrate without the kids." I have to make plans for the sitter, but DH arranges vacations.

Yes, but this is a double edged sword. My DH tells me the same thing, and then when I ask him to do what I want him to do (whatever it is) I get the passive-aggressive sighs/eye rolls/whatever. And when I call him on that I get the fake innocence bullshit. "What? What did I do?" It drives me insane. If, on top of having to spell out for you that the kitchen is a disaster and there's laundry to be folded and garbage to go out and the kid needs a bath and the dog needs her medicine and blah blah blah (as if you can't SEE, for Chrissakes), I have to fucking TELL you that romance needs to continue to be a part of the relationship, just forget it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My main hang up is that I don't talk to the sitters and have no relationship with them. They are all late teen, early 20s girls, and it feels inappropriate and a little awkward to interact with them when my wife isn't involved.

Poor excuse. Then pick a sitter you are comfortable with.

Why do you feel it's inappropriate to talk to them? They are your employees and they are not interested in dating you.

Same reason I avoid situations where I'm alone with other people's kids. I'm certainly not going to do anything wrong, but men get accused of all kinds of shit.

Rarely. He has relied on me for his social life for our entire relationship, and I get fucking sick of it. He recently planned a date out of the blue (the first one in oh. . .AGES) and I was legitimately shocked. I got a calendar invite and had to read it three times to make sure I wasn't hallucinating.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is this "date night" of which you speak?

In all seriousness, I am very sad about the fact that DH cannot be bothered to plan a night out for the two of us. My birthday has now become a family outing.

For our anniversary, I secured the sitter and reservations. DH didn't even take the time to get a card and sign it. It is the thought that counts. I would like there to be some indication that spending time with me is important to him. One way to do that is to arrange time together without kids or other couples.

It is somewhat reassuring to read that my DH isn't the only thoughtless a$$.

You should tell him that you want to spend time with him alone. Be SPECIFIC. According to my DH, men are clueless and need things spelled out for them. They're not idiots, they just don't understand subtle hints. Once I accepted this as a truth in life, I don't waste time with subtly. I am very direct with DH, including saying, I want sex tonight. Or "this anniversary we will celebrate without the kids." I have to make plans for the sitter, but DH arranges vacations.

Oh, but if he *really* loved you, he could read your mind.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He does on occassion - espccially for birthdays. He is always willing to go and we have a great time. He is just not the best date planner. I plan it, we go to dinner and a movie. He plans it, we go to the Nats game or the casino. Most of our date nights result from mutual brainstorming.

Frankly, I do not get into who plans it. We are not dating any more and he does not need to try to impress me or prove that he can be spontaneous. I look forward and enjoy the QT with him away from the kids. If I had to plan every single date to make that happen, I would.

Maybe you don't think spontaneity is important anymore, but is is hugely important. Being spontaneous brings back butteries for us and makes us remember why we married each other. We've never stopped dating each other.

PP here. Well, the key is to do what works for you and your DH. I do not need spontaneity in planning date nights and 20 years in with 4 kids, that is kind of tough anyways. I remember why I married my DH when I see him help the kids with homework, talk to them about a problem, or when I get a flirty text from him in the middle of the day. My DH's spontaneity comes in many different forms and I love that about him - but planning a creative or fancy date is not a priority to me.

Anonymous wrote:What is this "date night" of which you speak?

In all seriousness, I am very sad about the fact that DH cannot be bothered to plan a night out for the two of us. My birthday has now become a family outing.

For our anniversary, I secured the sitter and reservations. DH didn't even take the time to get a card and sign it. It is the thought that counts. I would like there to be some indication that spending time with me is important to him. One way to do that is to arrange time together without kids or other couples.

It is somewhat reassuring to read that my DH isn't the only thoughtless a$$.

You should tell him that you want to spend time with him alone. Be SPECIFIC. According to my DH, men are clueless and need things spelled out for them. They're not idiots, they just don't understand subtle hints. Once I accepted this as a truth in life, I don't waste time with subtly. I am very direct with DH, including saying, I want sex tonight. Or "this anniversary we will celebrate without the kids." I have to make plans for the sitter, but DH arranges vacations.

Anonymous wrote:My main hang up is that I don't talk to the sitters and have no relationship with them. They are all late teen, early 20s girls, and it feels inappropriate and a little awkward to interact with them when my wife isn't involved.

Poor excuse. Then pick a sitter you are comfortable with.

Why do you feel it's inappropriate to talk to them? They are your employees and they are not interested in dating you.

Anonymous wrote:What is this "date night" of which you speak?

In all seriousness, I am very sad about the fact that DH cannot be bothered to plan a night out for the two of us. My birthday has now become a family outing.

For our anniversary, I secured the sitter and reservations. DH didn't even take the time to get a card and sign it. It is the thought that counts. I would like there to be some indication that spending time with me is important to him. One way to do that is to arrange time together without kids or other couples.

It is somewhat reassuring to read that my DH isn't the only thoughtless a$$.

It's not since many of us will end up divorced. You need to make this a priority.

Anonymous wrote:OMG, I am always the one to plan it and organize it and it drives me up the wall. I BEG my husband to plan date nights and it never happens. It is a BIG point of contention b/w us. I feel like I never can get "surprised" by a nice date planned by him, like I used to when we were dating. Blegh. I hate it.

Then you arrange for the sitter (well in advance) and tell him he has to make dinner plans (well in advance). If he "forgets", then I would go out without him. Marriages start to fail when people take each other for granted.

He plans them, I arrange for the babysitter.

I generally do it. But if my H says, " hey we haven't been out in a while" I say, "name the time and place and I will be there" and he does it.

If you want your H to plan it ask him, he can't read your mind.

What is this "date night" of which you speak?

In all seriousness, I am very sad about the fact that DH cannot be bothered to plan a night out for the two of us. My birthday has now become a family outing.

For our anniversary, I secured the sitter and reservations. DH didn't even take the time to get a card and sign it. It is the thought that counts. I would like there to be some indication that spending time with me is important to him. One way to do that is to arrange time together without kids or other couples.

It is somewhat reassuring to read that my DH isn't the only thoughtless a$$.