Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You probably need to be a more hands on father.

I take our son to school at least once a week.

You are kidding, right? Generally one parent does all drop offs and the other pickups.

... if they both work full time. OP's wife works 20 hours a week.

I agree that your hours are fine OP, but it also sounds like your wife is feeling neglected. You spend your weekends out with your daughter, but maybe your wife wants to have family time or even date time? Maybe that is why she's suggesting so many trips because she wants to spend some family time together and some husband/wife time together. sounds like both of you are a bit disconnected from each other and need to sit down and have an honest conversation. you need to step away from the "look how good you have it" argument and she needs to talk about what is really going on.

I don't think either of you are right or either of you are wrong. I think there is some serious underlying issues going on.

Anonymous wrote:PP here - I may get flamed but I also think the OP's wife needs to appreciate that he is bearing the financial pressure so that she can SAH ad work part time. If the roles were reversed and the DH was complaining about DW's hours, you all would be on his case.

+1 And I am a wife, who works similar hours to OP. I think his wife is a PITA who needs to get over herself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You probably need to be a more hands on father.

I take our son to school at least once a week.

You are kidding, right? Generally one parent does all drop offs and the other pickups.

Sounds like your wife is realizing that she doesn't actually like child rearing, and is trying to offload it and free herself for things she does like. If your wife now realizes that she doesn't actually like child rearing, then nothing is going to make her happy except somehow offloading more of it. sorry about that. many people, men and women alike, don't realize that they actually don't like children until they have one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, for one thing, you should keep a joint calendar so she knows a little in advance what you have going on. She shouldn't have to ask the day before what's on your plate--that's a failure on your part. You need to be proactive with sharing details, marking nights as unavailable for work occasionally if she wants something on her evening calendar, etc.

+1

DH and I keep a joint calendar so he knows what nights I am unavailable and I know what nights he is unavailable. It also comes in handy for the many school events that take place (and why do they all start at 6:15 pm?!?) for our two kids.

This. She shouldn't have to ask. When you schedule something at night, it should be put on her calendar immediately. We do it by inviting each other to the meeting on outlook. That way it is on both of our schedules, as the absence of one of us does make a big difference.

Anonymous wrote:As a man, you need to realize that the tone of most answers here are going to skew toward your DW's POV. More help around the house, showing more commitment to family, etc. As an older DW, I actually get that a breadwinner who is motivated IS showing a commitment to the family - the long term financial needs of the family. But that is not something that would have registered with me as a new FTM who was knee deep in young kid stuff.

For a person at your stage in your career, your work hours and responsibilities are very reasonable. But if your DW is not engaged in the full-time working world, she might not understand that. I think you should have a conversation. Tell her that you will strive to help out more when you are there (and you should). However, if you and her want to maintain the financial lifestyle that you have and she is not willing to work full time, your hours will be what they are.

I agree with this. I think a young guy working to support his family, with reasonable hours to boot, doesn't need to "scale back."

PP here - I may get flamed but I also think the OP's wife needs to appreciate that he is bearing the financial pressure so that she can SAH ad work part time. If the roles were reversed and the DH was complaining about DW's hours, you all would be on his case.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You probably need to be a more hands on father.

I take our son to school at least once a week.

That should read daughter.

Once a week is not impressive. As the other poster said. More hands on.

As a man, you need to realize that the tone of most answers here are going to skew toward your DW's POV. More help around the house, showing more commitment to family, etc. As an older DW, I actually get that a breadwinner who is motivated IS showing a commitment to the family - the long term financial needs of the family. But that is not something that would have registered with me as a new FTM who was knee deep in young kid stuff.

For a person at your stage in your career, your work hours and responsibilities are very reasonable. But if your DW is not engaged in the full-time working world, she might not understand that. I think you should have a conversation. Tell her that you will strive to help out more when you are there (and you should). However, if you and her want to maintain the financial lifestyle that you have and she is not willing to work full time, your hours will be what they are.

You have a whiny, passive aggressive, nagging wife. She just doesn't sound like someone who is very appreciative of what you do or respectful. It sounds like its all about her.

There are husbands like that too who don't really appreciate or respect their wives - people on here call them assholes. I guess the same could be said of your wife.

Anonymous wrote:Well, for one thing, you should keep a joint calendar so she knows a little in advance what you have going on. She shouldn't have to ask the day before what's on your plate--that's a failure on your part. You need to be proactive with sharing details, marking nights as unavailable for work occasionally if she wants something on her evening calendar, etc.

+1

DH and I keep a joint calendar so he knows what nights I am unavailable and I know what nights he is unavailable. It also comes in handy for the many school events that take place (and why do they all start at 6:15 pm?!?) for our two kids.

I used to be your wife. I mean, I had a pretty easy job, a sweet commute and literally spent EIGHT hours on the dot in the office every day. So when my husband would be at the office until 7pm and I had to do dinner and bath time every night with a 9 month old (the HORROR), I got a little resentful. And then- boom- I got a BIG promotion. I'm now averaging 50 hours a week IN the office which means I'm getting a lot less sleep because I still have to leave by 5pm to pick up our now 2 year old from daycare. My husband is awesome at the morning routine and honestly, until I experienced what it was like to actually have a job I excel at and like and has career growth, I never realized how my husband could work 10 hours a day and still come home and complain about things not being finished at the office. I thought it was a personal affront to me and my daughter, which I now realize it's not. It's a difficult thing to understand unless you live it, I guess...

Anonymous wrote:5.45 is reasonable as long as your commute is not bad. But how many evenings a week are you going to business functions?

Do you help with the kid in the morning? Do you take shifts all by yourself on a Saturday and Sunday to make up for your lack of help during the week?

Agree with this poster. DH works reasonable hours but once, sometimes twice a week, he has a work commitment or meetings that means he misses dinner, bedtime, etc. It may look easy when the two of you are there to help, but when it is just 1 person and they are tired from a long day, it can be a lot. Sounds like you don't have any empathy for your wife and maybe she feels like you aren't a very hands on dad/husband. One morning a week is great, but that's not much. We also have a calendar so I know in advance when DH won't be around. I can understand why your wife would be annoyed if you just spring it on her last minute "oh btw won't be home before kid goes to bed tonight"

Do you give your wife time to herself without having to be asked? Do you ever make her feel appreciated or do you just tell her she should be happy your hours aren't worse?

I do agree that her complaining constantly is a bit much, but it is coming from somewhere so you guys need to explore that.

Your wife and my husband should get together.