So he's had an affair with a coworker--but its non sexual? and he's on AFF--but not to meet anyone?

So sorry, OP, but I don't think either of these are true. And while I know the feeling that you must get to the truth (because being lied to drives you crazy, it is the way to stay sane, in a weird way, is to have the knowledge that you're not crazy, that your gut is right) does it really matter at this point? Are you interested in saving the marriage? The only way for me would be radical honesty, but I dont see that happening here.

Anonymous wrote:He told me he was just using it for porn. I feel like there are tons of porn sites and this one is primarily used for meeting people or at least chatting right?

Hey former AFF worker, is there porn on there that isn't interactive or personal involving contact?

Former AFF employee here, since you asked.... If he is into voyeuristic stuff, then sure, he could be using the site in a "porn" manner. There is lots of explicit content of "real life" people and maybe that is his thing instead of looking at produced porn. But, as others said after your comment, there are plenty of other sites out there that offer similar things. AFF however is one of the largest and easiest to find / most visible.

Since you have already talked to him about it and he told you his reason - maybe you could ask him to show you his profile and have him explain what he means by "using it for porn."

Good luck. :/

FYI, to the person who mentioned alt.com - alt.com is owen by AFF, it's just the alternative/BDSM fetish site.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the replies. I already consulted an attorney when I found out about his affair with a coworker. Just wondering if this AFF response was plausible. I think no for the reasons you said, porn is everywhere. This site it for meeting people and the very least chatting and/or looking at video and photos or real people not porn stars.

Pp did you divorce him for being on the site or did you have proof he had met women? I am thinking of joining to see if I can find his profile but as I said way up thread, he is no longer a member so might not show up.

If he only wanted pictures and videos of "real" people, there are sites for that. AFF is for hooking up. so sorry, OP. There are a lot of married men on that site, sadly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He told me he was just using it for porn. I feel like there are tons of porn sites and this one is primarily used for meeting people or at least chatting right?

Hey former AFF worker, is there porn on there that isn't interactive or personal involving contact?

Okay. I'm taking a deep breath here and hoping no one recognizes me.

I divorced a man for this. This is one of the worst sites on the internet, almost as bad as alt.com, which is an AFF for fetishes and all sorts of creepy and sometimes illegal behavior.

There is NO reason in the world for him to be on there for photos. The photos are no different than what you can find on a million other sites. This site is for hooking up only. So he is lying to you.

I'm really sorry. And yes, you need to get yourself tested asap. Do not put it on your insurance. Pay cash for the tests or your insurance will flag you.

And please find the best therapist you can find right now for yourself. You will need someone to support you in the decisions you need to make, no matter what they are.

Take good care of yourself.

I'm really puzzled. Why would std tests involve a flag, and what does the flag mean for the person who's insured?

NP here. Wondering the exact same thing. I've been tested for STDs before and never encountered any issues or "flag" with my insurance. And this was before obamacare, which I would think makes the flag thing even less likely now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He told me he was just using it for porn. I feel like there are tons of porn sites and this one is primarily used for meeting people or at least chatting right?

Hey former AFF worker, is there porn on there that isn't interactive or personal involving contact?

Okay. I'm taking a deep breath here and hoping no one recognizes me.

I divorced a man for this. This is one of the worst sites on the internet, almost as bad as alt.com, which is an AFF for fetishes and all sorts of creepy and sometimes illegal behavior.

There is NO reason in the world for him to be on there for photos. The photos are no different than what you can find on a million other sites. This site is for hooking up only. So he is lying to you.

I'm really sorry. And yes, you need to get yourself tested asap. Do not put it on your insurance. Pay cash for the tests or your insurance will flag you.

And please find the best therapist you can find right now for yourself. You will need someone to support you in the decisions you need to make, no matter what they are.

Take good care of yourself.

I'm really puzzled. Why would std tests involve a flag, and what does the flag mean for the person who's insured?

Thanks for the replies. I already consulted an attorney when I found out about his affair with a coworker. Just wondering if this AFF response was plausible. I think no for the reasons you said, porn is everywhere. This site it for meeting people and the very least chatting and/or looking at video and photos or real people not porn stars.

Pp did you divorce him for being on the site or did you have proof he had met women? I am thinking of joining to see if I can find his profile but as I said way up thread, he is no longer a member so might not show up.

PP here - divorced woman. Yes get a lawyer, and NO NO NO don't let him know that you are aware of this. If he is aware, he'll destroy all the evidence.

I don't even think you need the evidence for the divorce since everything is no-fault. You need it because he is LYING to you and telling you he's on there for porn, which is a lie. If he is lying, then you need to find the truth so you can make appropriate and informed decisions. You deserve the truth - it's not invasive snooping because he's already lied to you.

Do you know his user name? If so, you can put it in quotes and google it. Believe it or not, it will come up in a google search. You won't be able to view his entire profile but you'll see part of it.

Also, I was able to locate my ex on Alt without paying. But yes, I think it's worth paying to find out the truth. Search for him in your state or zip. Look for expressions he might use, or age, or anything that might identify him.

And then get a consult with several attorneys.

Anonymous wrote:He told me he was just using it for porn. I feel like there are tons of porn sites and this one is primarily used for meeting people or at least chatting right?

Hey former AFF worker, is there porn on there that isn't interactive or personal involving contact?

Okay. I'm taking a deep breath here and hoping no one recognizes me.

I divorced a man for this. This is one of the worst sites on the internet, almost as bad as alt.com, which is an AFF for fetishes and all sorts of creepy and sometimes illegal behavior.

There is NO reason in the world for him to be on there for photos. The photos are no different than what you can find on a million other sites. This site is for hooking up only. So he is lying to you.

I'm really sorry. And yes, you need to get yourself tested asap. Do not put it on your insurance. Pay cash for the tests or your insurance will flag you.

And please find the best therapist you can find right now for yourself. You will need someone to support you in the decisions you need to make, no matter what they are.

Take good care of yourself.

op, consult a lawyer and get tested. after you get all this information, decide what to do.

He told me he was just using it for porn. I feel like there are tons of porn sites and this one is primarily used for meeting people or at least chatting right?

Hey former AFF worker, is there porn on there that isn't interactive or personal involving contact?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Denial is not just a river in Egypt, y'all.

+1

With such obvious evidence, she should confront him.

OP your choices are
1. Ignore the fact that his cheating or thinking about it
2. confront him and either fix your marriage or divorce him.

Personally, I would choose #2: confront and divorce. To me, what he did was a breach of trust and without trust, there is no marriage. I refuse to be one of those women who are constantly suspicious. That's no way to live. Either trust fully (because trust was earned) or end the relationship because that trust was broken.



Your life, your call.

I have confronted him on the affair but not the internet activity yet. Just found it.

IMO. The internet activity is worse than cheating. Cheating is reality. It's done after a time frame and you either forgive and forget or move on. Internet activities of the explicit nature such as the friendfinder sites are a dime and dozen, cultivated to draw you in under the guise of anonymity. The temptation is too easy to hide. Your DH at work or in a home office is pretending work but is really sexting/sexchatting with various women. It could go on for years. In many ways causing the sensuality breakdown in marriage/relationship. Resulting in a poor sexual life, distrust, blah blah blah.

I'm sure some people would say, "at least he isn't cheating". (Check out Chatzy one night) That's all that is in there, basically. Both married men and women paying more attention to entertaining online strangers instead of working on their marriages/ relationships. I get that's it's easy, fun or a distraction but at what cost. Divorce? Distrust? Or worse, to be drawn deeper into it where he'd rather be online than with you.

If you don't have a problem with your husband living on the internet one way but home with you another. You really don't have a problem. You have to decide, what can you live with?

Anonymous wrote:Bumping this for myself. He also has charges for live jasmin. This all in the aftermath of me finding out about an affair (though not sexual, not that it matters)

Sounds like he might just be chatting/doing webcam stuff to gratify himself. I personally would not consider that cheating but I can see why it might be upsetting. I do think it matters if the affair was not sexual, seems like there is a line he is trying not to cross. In that sense, you might try talking to him about it and exploring what it is that he gets from those sites and how the two of you can work on that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Denial is not just a river in Egypt, y'all.

+1

With such obvious evidence, she should confront him.

OP your choices are
1. Ignore the fact that his cheating or thinking about it
2. confront him and either fix your marriage or divorce him.

Personally, I would choose #2: confront and divorce. To me, what he did was a breach of trust and without trust, there is no marriage. I refuse to be one of those women who are constantly suspicious. That's no way to live. Either trust fully (because trust was earned) or end the relationship because that trust was broken.



Your life, your call.

I have confronted him on the affair but not the internet activity yet. Just found it.

Anonymous wrote:Get tested op.

+1000

Anonymous wrote:Denial is not just a river in Egypt, y'all.

+1

With such obvious evidence, she should confront him.

OP your choices are
1. Ignore the fact that his cheating or thinking about it
2. confront him and either fix your marriage or divorce him.

Personally, I would choose #2: confront and divorce. To me, what he did was a breach of trust and without trust, there is no marriage. I refuse to be one of those women who are constantly suspicious. That's no way to live. Either trust fully (because trust was earned) or end the relationship because that trust was broken.

Your life, your call.