Anonymous wrote:Never make a priority of someone who considers you an option.

+1

Anonymous wrote:OP here, Thanks everyone for all the helpful advice and insight. When you are in the midst of it, sometimes you lose sight of the bigger picture. I'm not making allowances for him. I really do think his feelings for me are genuine. I don't really see it as me putting all the effort, I do the bulk of the driving, but he also hosts me on the weekends I do stay over, cooking and taking me out on dates. I agree, it would be nice if he came down to see me but I have a roommate while he has his own place, so it's more convienent and private staying at his place. I'm in the process of getting my own place and he's been encouraging about it, and has said he would come visit me when I do get my place. He never asks for these things, I just naturally go out of my way because I never felt so connected like this with someone in a long time.

NP here. It just doesn't seem like the guy you are dating is going out of his way for you because he feels so connected. He hasn't pushed to be exclusive. There isn't this idea of a shared future yet where his decisions are being influenced by wanting to build a future with you. You say it sounds like you are making excuses, then follow-up by making excuses that you have a roommate and he doesn't so that's party why you travel to him . Saying that he cooks and takes you out to dinner when you drive 200 miles to see him as proof that he cares, honestly, if anyone comes to visit me as a host I feed them and/or take them out to dinner. That's sort of what it means to host anyone. I'm not giving gold medals out for that one. When DH and I were dating we alternated who drove out (MD vs VA) even though he had a roommate and I didn't. I never really thought about it until now but I think it was to share the responsibility. One person did not do all the driving or had to always host and pay for dinner or always had to have company over etc.

As I read your post all I could think about was "what is the end game?" Even if this guy says he wants to be exclusive, what does that get you? Flash forward 3 years, will you be on DCUM writing how your DH does nothing to help with the kids or household yet you both work FT? I also question if you are really compatible with someone that is very ambitious/bordering on workaholic ...either you have to care less about actually spending time with this person (which after spending everyday together during the summer after meeting him in July would lead me to believe you are not that person) or you need a guy that can communicate and show how important you are to him despite the craziness of his career in which case you would officially be in a relationship and not feel so insecure practically plucking flower petals saying "he likes me, he likes me not ". Last thing I will say, IF you are sleeping together, I am straight out calling B.S. on "taking it slow". I have seen it so many times where the guy wants to "take it slow" when it comes to actual commitment because (fill in the blank excuse) he got out of a very serious relationship, wants to focus on his career, has to work thru some issues etc. but has no problems getting physical with you, having you re-arrange your schedule to fit him in when he has time etc.

So before you bring up the conversation of exclusive, think really hard do you value the same things and do you really have the things that can get you thru the long haul? Are you willing to stay in a relationship where you do most of the work to keep things going if he says he wants to be exclusive? Can you handle if he doesn't want to be exclusive? Are you sure you don't want to give the guys a chance that are asking you out and still date this guy but not exclusively?

after seven months, I'm shocked you haven't just..asked him?

Talk to him this weekend. Do not wait. Know this story and does not end well...if someone wants to be with you they will. It does not matter how much work, school, obligations they have. Please believe this. Your story is not unique even though I am sure you feel it is. You will meet someone who makes you a priority and you will understand. You deserve it.

I'm turning 31 this year and just started dating a guy turning 34 myself. Its very early on (a couple weeks) but we will have a chat if it doesnt come up within the first 6-8 weeks about intentions. I'm thinking longterm now and most guys I know that age are too. If its not on his radar yet, we're incompatible.

Unless you only want one child, you need to be pregnant by 34. Even then your fertility rate will be a but low and complications will go up. You don't want to waste time on this guy if marriage and kids are your goal. You need to be up front with him about this in a non pushy manner. If he's not on board you need to move on or stay realizing if you find out in 2 years he isn't the one that you may well end up childless or go through some heartache to have them.

I'm a good bit older than you and a husband, but have seen this scenario play out with female friends and friends of my wife.

Anonymous wrote:After a few weeks / months when my husband and I were dating we talked about being exclusive. We actually got married at the 6 month mark. My point is that you should know or not by now. Just like the pp stated, the effort that he is putting into the relationship now is what will be. It will not get better.
He doesn't sound like he is wooing you at all. I know his career is first which is not a bad thing but he can still woo you. He can still call or plan or send flowers or can even get a hotel and come see you, but he isn't & you are making excuses for him. He might want to take it slow right now which is understandable due to his prior lengthy relationship which is also ok but just know what you are getting into is someone who is distant very distant.
He is an adult and could tell you as we'll, "hey Jen I'm crazy about you and want a future together but just need some time to get through some things so please be patient and stick around because I really do care for you. "
Yeah I know, highly unlikely that a man would actually say this but he isn't even showing you by small measures in the least.

This. I'm sure he's busy, but he also has to show you that you're worth it to him. I'd actually talk about this with him -- just to give him the benefit of the doubt in case he's clueless. If he doesn't start stepping up after the talk, then it's time to move on. People will always prioritize what's most important to them. If you're really important, then he'll make an effort to do things.

After a few weeks / months when my husband and I were dating we talked about being exclusive. We actually got married at the 6 month mark. My point is that you should know or not by now. Just like the pp stated, the effort that he is putting into the relationship now is what will be. It will not get better.
He doesn't sound like he is wooing you at all. I know his career is first which is not a bad thing but he can still woo you. He can still call or plan or send flowers or can even get a hotel and come see you, but he isn't & you are making excuses for him. He might want to take it slow right now which is understandable due to his prior lengthy relationship which is also ok but just know what you are getting into is someone who is distant very distant.
He is an adult and could tell you as we'll, "hey Jen I'm crazy about you and want a future together but just need some time to get through some things so please be patient and stick around because I really do care for you. "
Yeah I know, highly unlikely that a man would actually say this but he isn't even showing you by small measures in the least.

OP here, Thanks everyone for all the helpful advice and insight. When you are in the midst of it, sometimes you lose sight of the bigger picture. I'm not making allowances for him. I really do think his feelings for me are genuine. I don't really see it as me putting all the effort, I do the bulk of the driving, but he also hosts me on the weekends I do stay over, cooking and taking me out on dates. I agree, it would be nice if he came down to see me but I have a roommate while he has his own place, so it's more convienent and private staying at his place. I'm in the process of getting my own place and he's been encouraging about it, and has said he would come visit me when I do get my place. He never asks for these things, I just naturally go out of my way because I never felt so connected like this with someone in a long time.

A poster asked if I wanted to get married and start a family. Yeah I do, I'll be 32 coming up and most of my friends are married and have kids of their own. No pressure or timelines though. I can be patient as long as I know the other person is as invested.

I agree I need to have a talk with him and let him know what I want. I think all this confusion about where I stand is making me feel insecure.

He usually works on 3-4 projects a year, may lasts for a couple of weeks to a few months. He's been offered projects in the east coast but he assured me he's sticking locally. Since he's moved he's worked on two cases, only a week or so break, working 60 plus hours. When he has anytime to himself, he catches up with his family, me, errands, housework. From time to time, he also plays music, which gives him some relief and joy from the stress of work.

I think we were dating for a few weeks when my bf mentioned something along the lines of being exclusive. (I thought we were exclusive, since I wasn't seeing anyone and I didn't think he was either.) He wasn't seeing other people, but since we began dating, other women were coming on to him and he mentioned that, right before he said he's dating me exclusively.

We got married about a year and a half after we began dating. Some people wait and others just know they have found the right person, so why waste time? We talked about what we wanted in our relationship- long term, marriage, kids, where we would live, finances, LONG before he ever proposed. We knew from the beginning that we were meant for each other.

Point is, have that talk with him. If he's serious, he will tell you. Unfortunately, he's not acting like he's serious. A successful relationship is where you are both giving. You are giving, but he is only taking.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he outright told you that he's not ready to be exclusive?

No, we haven't had any talk about exclusivity. I'm waiting for him to bring it up, just a little apprehensive about bringing it up myself

And therein lies the root of angst and confusion with women...the incessant craving for clarification but the nonsensical need to wait for men to read your mind and clear things up.
NEWSFLASH!! - men can't read minds. If you want to know something ASK!!!

Anonymous wrote:Never make a priority of someone who considers you an option.

+1000

That should be on a T shirt or bumper sticker! Goes for both genders.

Anonymous wrote:Bring it up. It's not worth wasting your time if he's not on the same page. If I could go back to my dating days, I would be much more forward in speaking up and voicing my questions.

I agree. I saw too many friends squander a lot of time on guys that would never commit. It gets much harder, I think, to find the right guy as you get older and if you want to have kids you don't have that long of a window. After 7 months I don't think it is psycho or crazy to bring up exclusivity. In fact, I would go a step further and have a candid talk about the future. Who knows, he could be all for it. If he isn't, at least you will know now.

OP do you want to get married at some point and start a family? If so this is not your guy. If you're not at that point in your own mind yet I understand how it can feel OK to tread water with someone like this, but trust me when I say that if marriage/family is anywhere in your future game plan then you need to find a like minded partner pretty soon. I focused on my career at 31 and dated for fun, figuring the right guy would just come along. Didn't happen. I'm now a very successful single mom with a great life, but I'm doing it alone. I don't necessarily think I made a bad choice, but it certainly wasn't my first game plan. Advocate NOW for what you want. If the two of you are not a match in that way, it's OK. Others are out there. Good luck!

Never make a priority of someone who considers you an option.