Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So for those who had to push their kids, what do you think will happen when they get to college and have to be completely self-motivated?

I have no reason to believe that my kid won't be able to do the work, she has balanced a heavy high school course load, volunteering, and ECs pretty well over the past four years. For some reason, she just did not apply herself when it came to the college application process. I'm not worried that this will somehow translate into her ability to deal with college, especially since she's already expressing remorse at not taking the process seriously when she had the chance.

The problem is that unless you take a gap year, you really have only one opportunity to get it right. Essays, interviews, test scores, recommendations, you have one shot at each school, and lacking in one area could mean being shut out forever.

The bolded is such as stressful position to take! Transfers are much easier than admissions in case of a shut-out. And so much is out of the kids' control, anyway, as schools often balance their incoming class geographically, racially and socioeconomically. My son wanted us to be involved, our daughter does in some regards and in other not. This is reflective of both their personalities.

I'm usually quite type A, but not regarding this process. There are so many good colleges, and so many ways to succeed in life, I just can't get stressed about it. Some kids simply mature later than others.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow I wish my parents were as helpful as you all were when I was applying to undergrad back in '10. Neither of my parents went to college so I had absolutely no help in applying (even my counselor was of little help) but I ended up getting into 7 of the 8 schools I applied to. I couldn't imagine not taking charge. I know that you are all afraid of your kids not getting into good schools but perhaps in the future you should just let them figure it out on their own.

Very catty judgement to make on family dynamics that you are not privy to at all. Just because my kid is a senior doesn't mean that she still didn't need parenting, encouragement, and an extra kick in the pants to apply to colleges while maintaining her grades, her senior activities, and other issues that I won't divulge here. She still had to fill out the applications, write the essays, and attend alumni interviews. My role as a parent was to take her on college tours to get her interested, help her research the colleges that we thought would be a good fit both academically and financially, and not let her slack off.

Sorry that your parents showed absolutely no interest in your college academic career, but I don't think that's something that is right or appropriate for all families. We're paying for her education and we are invested in her, and it paid off in the way of acceptances and a good learning environment for the next four years of her life.

No need to be nasty. I'm the one with the lazy son and I'm sure I had to be more involved in the process than anyone else due to his laziness. However, I did not read PP's post as an indictment or judgment on my/our parenting.

He was simply making a point, and he was correct in his point. I should NOT have been as involved in the process as I was. No need to insult his family and pass judgment on his parents' interest in his academic career as I'm sure that like us, they wanted the best for him as well. They simply TRUSTED him to be able to handle the process. And he was. My kid on the other hand....At 18 I don't trust him to feed his own damn dog during the day. It is what it is.

Thank you. This is the poster of that original message. My intent was not to be catty. And let me just say to the rude person who replied to my post...how dare you think that my parents had no interest in my college academic career. Could you not read? The highest level of education they got was high school and it wasn't even in this country so it wasn't a matter of not wanting to help, it was a matter of not knowing at all how to help, you jerk. But whatever, you can be as rude as you want. I successfully got through undergrad in 3.5 years with a 3.96 GPA so I would say I did pretty well for someone who had no idea what college was going to be like at all.

That's great for you. Really. But it doesn't apply here and your situation has absolutely nothing to do with my kid and the college process TODAY. How dare YOU tell ME that I should have let her handle it on her own? How is that not equally judgmental that I somehow erred in taking an interest in my kid's college education that I'm going to pay upwards of 40k a year to fund?

I don't have a college education either, but that doesn't mean that I'm just going to leave my kid to figure out this process all on her own. What your parents did won't work for most families today. Period.

You are one NASTY, UPTIGHT MISERABLE SHREW. It's no wonder your daughter has "issues that you (sic) won't divulge here". Trust me, judging by your behavior in this thread, I am certain the root of her problems is YOU.

For one, PP in no way insulted parents in our approach to the process. Two different posters responded with full understanding of what he was trying to say. YOU are the only one who got your insecure feathers ruffled. To try to insult HIS parents--who, from a rational person's perspective, obviously raised a child capable going it alone--was an unnecessarily low blow. In that, they're better than all of us in this thread.

Secondly, PP went through the process in '10--just 3 years ago. The process was just as competitive then. So what he went through is indeed relevant to TODAY.

Thirdly, I find it hard to believe that without a college degree you will be shelling out $40,000 per year for your child's education. Did you mean that as a FAMILY you guys would shell out that much? Well, guess what? That doesn't give you license to run your child's life. I can already tell you are--and will continue to be-- a controlling, overbearing parent who thinks that financial support means you have the right to control your child. I FEEL SORRY FOR YOUR DAUGHTER!!!!!

PP was correct in saying that we should've allowed our children to figure it out on their own (with minimal guidance). For whatever reason, some of us did not. For you, it was because your daughter has a full schedule and ISSUES. For me, it's that my child is a spoiled lazy ass.

Stop being such a B.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Goodness knows the more you remind/nag teenagers to do something, the more they will resist. Perhaps a good idea would be to create a schedule of all deadlines for applications, financial aid, etc. and post it in a prominent place for them so that they always have the information but don't feel like Mom and Dad are constantly on their butts about college.

It's really about providing the basic help but not so much that the parents are more invested in the process than the kids.

You've been through this?

Clearly not.

Anonymous wrote:Goodness knows the more you remind/nag teenagers to do something, the more they will resist. Perhaps a good idea would be to create a schedule of all deadlines for applications, financial aid, etc. and post it in a prominent place for them so that they always have the information but don't feel like Mom and Dad are constantly on their butts about college.

It's really about providing the basic help but not so much that the parents are more invested in the process than the kids.

You've been through this?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So for those who had to push their kids, what do you think will happen when they get to college and have to be completely self-motivated?

I have no reason to believe that my kid won't be able to do the work, she has balanced a heavy high school course load, volunteering, and ECs pretty well over the past four years. For some reason, she just did not apply herself when it came to the college application process. I'm not worried that this will somehow translate into her ability to deal with college, especially since she's already expressing remorse at not taking the process seriously when she had the chance.

The problem is that unless you take a gap year, you really have only one opportunity to get it right. Essays, interviews, test scores, recommendations, you have one shot at each school, and lacking in one area could mean being shut out forever.

It's good that she realized her mistakes later than never. She was probably just overwhelmed by it all and this will be a lesson on organization for her in the future. That's more than one can say about many other college students.

Goodness knows the more you remind/nag teenagers to do something, the more they will resist. Perhaps a good idea would be to create a schedule of all deadlines for applications, financial aid, etc. and post it in a prominent place for them so that they always have the information but don't feel like Mom and Dad are constantly on their butts about college.

It's really about providing the basic help but not so much that the parents are more invested in the process than the kids.

Anonymous wrote:So for those who had to push their kids, what do you think will happen when they get to college and have to be completely self-motivated?

I have no reason to believe that my kid won't be able to do the work, she has balanced a heavy high school course load, volunteering, and ECs pretty well over the past four years. For some reason, she just did not apply herself when it came to the college application process. I'm not worried that this will somehow translate into her ability to deal with college, especially since she's already expressing remorse at not taking the process seriously when she had the chance.

The problem is that unless you take a gap year, you really have only one opportunity to get it right. Essays, interviews, test scores, recommendations, you have one shot at each school, and lacking in one area could mean being shut out forever.

Oh brother. This used to be such a nice forum for those of us with high school- and college-aged kids. Now it's: "when my 2 year old goes to college you can bet I will/won't do . . . ." or "15 years ago my parents did . . . ."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow I wish my parents were as helpful as you all were when I was applying to undergrad back in '10. Neither of my parents went to college so I had absolutely no help in applying (even my counselor was of little help) but I ended up getting into 7 of the 8 schools I applied to. I couldn't imagine not taking charge. I know that you are all afraid of your kids not getting into good schools but perhaps in the future you should just let them figure it out on their own.

Very catty judgement to make on family dynamics that you are not privy to at all. Just because my kid is a senior doesn't mean that she still didn't need parenting, encouragement, and an extra kick in the pants to apply to colleges while maintaining her grades, her senior activities, and other issues that I won't divulge here. She still had to fill out the applications, write the essays, and attend alumni interviews. My role as a parent was to take her on college tours to get her interested, help her research the colleges that we thought would be a good fit both academically and financially, and not let her slack off.

Sorry that your parents showed absolutely no interest in your college academic career, but I don't think that's something that is right or appropriate for all families. We're paying for her education and we are invested in her, and it paid off in the way of acceptances and a good learning environment for the next four years of her life.

No need to be nasty. I'm the one with the lazy son and I'm sure I had to be more involved in the process than anyone else due to his laziness. However, I did not read PP's post as an indictment or judgment on my/our parenting.

He was simply making a point, and he was correct in his point. I should NOT have been as involved in the process as I was. No need to insult his family and pass judgment on his parents' interest in his academic career as I'm sure that like us, they wanted the best for him as well. They simply TRUSTED him to be able to handle the process. And he was. My kid on the other hand....At 18 I don't trust him to feed his own damn dog during the day. It is what it is.

Thank you. This is the poster of that original message. My intent was not to be catty. And let me just say to the rude person who replied to my post...how dare you think that my parents had no interest in my college academic career. Could you not read? The highest level of education they got was high school and it wasn't even in this country so it wasn't a matter of not wanting to help, it was a matter of not knowing at all how to help, you jerk. But whatever, you can be as rude as you want. I successfully got through undergrad in 3.5 years with a 3.96 GPA so I would say I did pretty well for someone who had no idea what college was going to be like at all.

That's great for you. Really. But it doesn't apply here and your situation has absolutely nothing to do with my kid and the college process TODAY. How dare YOU tell ME that I should have let her handle it on her own? How is that not equally judgmental that I somehow erred in taking an interest in my kid's college education that I'm going to pay upwards of 40k a year to fund?

I don't have a college education either, but that doesn't mean that I'm just going to leave my kid to figure out this process all on her own. What your parents did won't work for most families today. Period.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow I wish my parents were as helpful as you all were when I was applying to undergrad back in '10. Neither of my parents went to college so I had absolutely no help in applying (even my counselor was of little help) but I ended up getting into 7 of the 8 schools I applied to. I couldn't imagine not taking charge. I know that you are all afraid of your kids not getting into good schools but perhaps in the future you should just let them figure it out on their own.

Very catty judgement to make on family dynamics that you are not privy to at all. Just because my kid is a senior doesn't mean that she still didn't need parenting, encouragement, and an extra kick in the pants to apply to colleges while maintaining her grades, her senior activities, and other issues that I won't divulge here. She still had to fill out the applications, write the essays, and attend alumni interviews. My role as a parent was to take her on college tours to get her interested, help her research the colleges that we thought would be a good fit both academically and financially, and not let her slack off.

Sorry that your parents showed absolutely no interest in your college academic career, but I don't think that's something that is right or appropriate for all families. We're paying for her education and we are invested in her, and it paid off in the way of acceptances and a good learning environment for the next four years of her life.

No need to be nasty. I'm the one with the lazy son and I'm sure I had to be more involved in the process than anyone else due to his laziness. However, I did not read PP's post as an indictment or judgment on my/our parenting.

He was simply making a point, and he was correct in his point. I should NOT have been as involved in the process as I was. No need to insult his family and pass judgment on his parents' interest in his academic career as I'm sure that like us, they wanted the best for him as well. They simply TRUSTED him to be able to handle the process. And he was. My kid on the other hand....At 18 I don't trust him to feed his own damn dog during the day. It is what it is.

Thank you. This is the poster of that original message. My intent was not to be catty. And let me just say to the rude person who replied to my post...how dare you think that my parents had no interest in my college academic career. Could you not read? The highest level of education they got was high school and it wasn't even in this country so it wasn't a matter of not wanting to help, it was a matter of not knowing at all how to help, you jerk. But whatever, you can be as rude as you want. I successfully got through undergrad in 3.5 years with a 3.96 GPA so I would say I did pretty well for someone who had no idea what college was going to be like at all.

PP here again. I just wanted to add that there is nothing wrong with parents helping out. Like I said, I WISH my parents were there for me like you all are for your children. But I've seen parents that have "helped" out way too much to the point where they're really behind the applications. Start the conversation about college early- not just during junior year and maybe your kids will be more excited/motivated to look into schools and apply. But I recognize that every kid is different and that some may need more push than others. There's nothing wrong with that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow I wish my parents were as helpful as you all were when I was applying to undergrad back in '10. Neither of my parents went to college so I had absolutely no help in applying (even my counselor was of little help) but I ended up getting into 7 of the 8 schools I applied to. I couldn't imagine not taking charge. I know that you are all afraid of your kids not getting into good schools but perhaps in the future you should just let them figure it out on their own.

Very catty judgement to make on family dynamics that you are not privy to at all. Just because my kid is a senior doesn't mean that she still didn't need parenting, encouragement, and an extra kick in the pants to apply to colleges while maintaining her grades, her senior activities, and other issues that I won't divulge here. She still had to fill out the applications, write the essays, and attend alumni interviews. My role as a parent was to take her on college tours to get her interested, help her research the colleges that we thought would be a good fit both academically and financially, and not let her slack off.

Sorry that your parents showed absolutely no interest in your college academic career, but I don't think that's something that is right or appropriate for all families. We're paying for her education and we are invested in her, and it paid off in the way of acceptances and a good learning environment for the next four years of her life.

No need to be nasty. I'm the one with the lazy son and I'm sure I had to be more involved in the process than anyone else due to his laziness. However, I did not read PP's post as an indictment or judgment on my/our parenting.

He was simply making a point, and he was correct in his point. I should NOT have been as involved in the process as I was. No need to insult his family and pass judgment on his parents' interest in his academic career as I'm sure that like us, they wanted the best for him as well. They simply TRUSTED him to be able to handle the process. And he was. My kid on the other hand....At 18 I don't trust him to feed his own damn dog during the day. It is what it is.

Well that's fine for you, but I think that it's unfair to say that parents shouldn't be involved in process at all, which is what the PP said. "Let them figure it out on their own."
If that were truly the case, that the kid should be on their own like the pp, then parents who hire "college counselors" and coaches for the sole intent on getting their kids into top schools should be criticized as well. So should high school guidance counselors, for that matter. My kid is in public school, and her GO was shockingly, appallingly incompetent, and cared about nothing else except getting kids accepted into whatever state school would take them. I took on the role of guiding her and giving her adult supervision and insight that imo, most kids need when going through the long, tedious, and ultra competitive college admissions process.

PP probably should not have passed judgement on our parenting while implying that his parents did it correctly and we did not. The college environment has changed dramatically from even the time PP graduated four years ago, so it really doesn't apply to our situations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow I wish my parents were as helpful as you all were when I was applying to undergrad back in '10. Neither of my parents went to college so I had absolutely no help in applying (even my counselor was of little help) but I ended up getting into 7 of the 8 schools I applied to. I couldn't imagine not taking charge. I know that you are all afraid of your kids not getting into good schools but perhaps in the future you should just let them figure it out on their own.

Very catty judgement to make on family dynamics that you are not privy to at all. Just because my kid is a senior doesn't mean that she still didn't need parenting, encouragement, and an extra kick in the pants to apply to colleges while maintaining her grades, her senior activities, and other issues that I won't divulge here. She still had to fill out the applications, write the essays, and attend alumni interviews. My role as a parent was to take her on college tours to get her interested, help her research the colleges that we thought would be a good fit both academically and financially, and not let her slack off.

Sorry that your parents showed absolutely no interest in your college academic career, but I don't think that's something that is right or appropriate for all families. We're paying for her education and we are invested in her, and it paid off in the way of acceptances and a good learning environment for the next four years of her life.

No need to be nasty. I'm the one with the lazy son and I'm sure I had to be more involved in the process than anyone else due to his laziness. However, I did not read PP's post as an indictment or judgment on my/our parenting.

He was simply making a point, and he was correct in his point. I should NOT have been as involved in the process as I was. No need to insult his family and pass judgment on his parents' interest in his academic career as I'm sure that like us, they wanted the best for him as well. They simply TRUSTED him to be able to handle the process. And he was. My kid on the other hand....At 18 I don't trust him to feed his own damn dog during the day. It is what it is.

Thank you. This is the poster of that original message. My intent was not to be catty. And let me just say to the rude person who replied to my post...how dare you think that my parents had no interest in my college academic career. Could you not read? The highest level of education they got was high school and it wasn't even in this country so it wasn't a matter of not wanting to help, it was a matter of not knowing at all how to help, you jerk. But whatever, you can be as rude as you want. I successfully got through undergrad in 3.5 years with a 3.96 GPA so I would say I did pretty well for someone who had no idea what college was going to be like at all.

Mine took control, start to finish, however he's a very responsible kid by nature. I do think the whole thing was highly stressful for him, too much so IMHO. The process is too complex and the stakes are so high!

I have another child in high school, and she's a different sort of kid. She will need our help more than her brother. We will try to support her through it as best we can.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow I wish my parents were as helpful as you all were when I was applying to undergrad back in '10. Neither of my parents went to college so I had absolutely no help in applying (even my counselor was of little help) but I ended up getting into 7 of the 8 schools I applied to. I couldn't imagine not taking charge. I know that you are all afraid of your kids not getting into good schools but perhaps in the future you should just let them figure it out on their own.

Very catty judgement to make on family dynamics that you are not privy to at all. Just because my kid is a senior doesn't mean that she still didn't need parenting, encouragement, and an extra kick in the pants to apply to colleges while maintaining her grades, her senior activities, and other issues that I won't divulge here. She still had to fill out the applications, write the essays, and attend alumni interviews. My role as a parent was to take her on college tours to get her interested, help her research the colleges that we thought would be a good fit both academically and financially, and not let her slack off.

Sorry that your parents showed absolutely no interest in your college academic career, but I don't think that's something that is right or appropriate for all families. We're paying for her education and we are invested in her, and it paid off in the way of acceptances and a good learning environment for the next four years of her life.

No need to be nasty. I'm the one with the lazy son and I'm sure I had to be more involved in the process than anyone else due to his laziness. However, I did not read PP's post as an indictment or judgment on my/our parenting.

He was simply making a point, and he was correct in his point. I should NOT have been as involved in the process as I was. No need to insult his family and pass judgment on his parents' interest in his academic career as I'm sure that like us, they wanted the best for him as well. They simply TRUSTED him to be able to handle the process. And he was. My kid on the other hand....At 18 I don't trust him to feed his own damn dog during the day. It is what it is.

Anonymous wrote:So for those who had to push their kids, what do you think will happen when they get to college and have to be completely self-motivated?

Great question-and a concern that's crossed my mind.

The answer? He'll do like I (and many kids) did and GROW THE HELL UP!!!

Some kids enter college at a 100 in terms of drive. Others, like me, had to grow into being a student and halfway motivated person.

What keeps me from worrying about him too much is that I can remember being just as lazy as him, but today I'm the super-organized, Type A shrew who's always on his case about slacking. And truthfully, he's MUCH better off and further along than I was at his age. So I think he'll be fine.