Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is odd you have a child that went 10 years without getting in trouble. I think if you go overboard you will raise somebody afraid of making mistakes.

I went 18 years without needing real punishments. I was so busy doing my activities I never had a chance to get in trouble.

I know a lot of kids like this that literally go 'apeshit' in college and the years immediately post-college. The parents had them on a very tight leash and they never learned how to manage freedom or time management when they weren't scheduled every waking minute. These are the kids that end up partying too hard, don't know how to handle alcohol, etc.

OP here, I can see how this might happen with a kid who has been on a tight leash, but that's not the issue in my family. I'd say I have a pretty long leash, and loose structure relative to most of the other parents I know. I'm not entirely sure why my kid has been so well behaved over the years, but it clearly isn't because he's trembling in fear of me or the consequences of misbehaving, as evidenced by the fact that I had to come to DCUM to decide on the consequences.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is odd you have a child that went 10 years without getting in trouble. I think if you go overboard you will raise somebody afraid of making mistakes.

I went 18 years without needing real punishments. I was so busy doing my activities I never had a chance to get in trouble.

I know a lot of kids like this that literally go 'apeshit' in college and the years immediately post-college. The parents had them on a very tight leash and they never learned how to manage freedom or time management when they weren't scheduled every waking minute. These are the kids that end up partying too hard, don't know how to handle alcohol, etc.

Never had issues growing up and didn't go 'apeshit' in college......it's possible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is odd you have a child that went 10 years without getting in trouble. I think if you go overboard you will raise somebody afraid of making mistakes.

I went 18 years without needing real punishments. I was so busy doing my activities I never had a chance to get in trouble.

I know a lot of kids like this that literally go 'apeshit' in college and the years immediately post-college. The parents had them on a very tight leash and they never learned how to manage freedom or time management when they weren't scheduled every waking minute. These are the kids that end up partying too hard, don't know how to handle alcohol, etc.

Really? Literally? I'd like to see that. Do they actually turn into feces from a tailless primate?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is odd you have a child that went 10 years without getting in trouble. I think if you go overboard you will raise somebody afraid of making mistakes.

I went 18 years without needing real punishments. I was so busy doing my activities I never had a chance to get in trouble.

I know a lot of kids like this that literally go 'apeshit' in college and the years immediately post-college. The parents had them on a very tight leash and they never learned how to manage freedom or time management when they weren't scheduled every waking minute. These are the kids that end up partying too hard, don't know how to handle alcohol, etc.

No electronics. No activities other than school, homework, chores, and potentially community service or otherwise making amends for whatever the offense was.

Anonymous wrote:My 15 year got into trouble for pretty much the first time since Kindergarten. I think the last time I needed to "punish" him I put him in time out on the living room couch for 5 minutes since he was 5 years old. But this offense warrants something a little more than 15 minutes on the couch.

So, I'm curious what "grounding" looks like in your house. What specifically do you disallow or take away? If you're out of the house for part of the time, how do you enforce it? How does it end (e.g. you're grounded for 2 weeks, or you're grounded until you . . . )?

Thanks!

DD got into pretty serious trouble, including a suspension from school, in October. She was restricted to home for the rest of the year, with minimal exceptions made to allow her to spend time with friends that we knew and trusted not to engage in the type of activities that got DD grounded. In addition, we reset all of her social media passwords so she had to ask to go online, which we only allowed in our presence and to ask classmates homework questions, etc. She was also only allowed to use her cell phone in our presence, and we checked her texts regularly. When we weren't around, neither was her phone.

There was a lot of whining and drama, but it was effective.

No hanging out with friends after school or on weekends, no driving except to school, no wine with dinner.

No electronics (except computer for homework). No outside of home activities except school, Church, and the organized sports.

If your kid usually has excellent judgment and hasn't done things that raised this degree of alarm, why not start by asking him what he thinks about what he's done? And then follow by asking him what he thinks an appropriate consequence would be.

I'm not saying you necessarily accept the consequence he proposes. But if he's a good and thoughtful kid who is aware he made a bad choice this time, it would be good to give him a chance to own his actions and their consequences. Assuming he takes it seriously -- and proposes a consequence you believe is meaningful and appropriate -- it may even give you some peace of mind that he "gets it" and is not just giving lip service.

That said, if he blows off the request or low balls you with an inadequate consequence, you've learned something useful, too. I would not over-react if he chooses this route. Just treat his opening offer as a step in a larger dialogue. Ask him to explain his reasoning, why he thinks it's appropriate etc., and then tell him how you feel about it and either counter-propose or prompt him to try again with a more appropriate consequence. The goal is to TEACH HIM -- not just that his poor decisions trigger appropriate consequences, but also the judgment to evaluate what he's done.

GL.

No screens unless it is a family activity, no going out with friends. He can of course go out with me or go outside with his brother. Lots of family time and chores.

I monitor homework that he needs to complete online. He has not been grounded during a time where he needs to meet with classmates to do a class project but i guess he would have to do that.