Anonymous
Post 03/29/2014 23:39     Subject: Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
Anonymous wrote:It struck me today how much my DS is like my BIL. My DS has Asperger's and is obsessed with birds. My BIL is a biology professor, an ornithologist, and has been obsessed with birds since childhood. He loves the color red, DS loves the color blue. Both BIL and DS can talk and talk and talk even more than myself: OMG....

No, our marriage hasn't been affected. I adore my DH who we realized probably has Asperger's after DS was diagnosed. DH is a wonderful man and my DS's diagnosis helped me understand DH better. DH is quiet unlike DS and BIL. Thank goodness. Also, I realize my side made an obvious contribution to DS's diagnosis. My mother probably had AS.

All in all, I am so happy DS takes after DH and BIL rather than myself. I was a holy terror, exhausting and difficult, when I was a child even w/o a diagnosis or SNs.

If anything, our son's SNs was helpful to our marriage. DH is a great dad to DS which makes me appreciate him more.


That is just awesome. So happy for you. vBut it just "struck you today"? Because that whole bird color thing has come up on this board before. Excuse my cynicism but there's some truth lacking here.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2014 23:16     Subject: Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
It struck me today how much my DS is like my BIL. My DS has Asperger's and is obsessed with birds. My BIL is a biology professor, an ornithologist, and has been obsessed with birds since childhood. He loves the color red, DS loves the color blue. Both BIL and DS can talk and talk and talk even more than myself: OMG....

No, our marriage hasn't been affected. I adore my DH who we realized probably has Asperger's after DS was diagnosed. DH is a wonderful man and my DS's diagnosis helped me understand DH better. DH is quiet unlike DS and BIL. Thank goodness. Also, I realize my side made an obvious contribution to DS's diagnosis. My mother probably had AS.

All in all, I am so happy DS takes after DH and BIL rather than myself. I was a holy terror, exhausting and difficult, when I was a child even w/o a diagnosis or SNs.

If anything, our son's SNs was helpful to our marriage. DH is a great dad to DS which makes me appreciate him more.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2014 22:41     Subject: Re:Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
Yes. We almost divorces when he was a toddler. We are always hanging by a string. It is also very hard on his brother. We are in family therapy and the therapist is impressed we are still together and the family is doing so well considering,

He is an amazing child... But really an energy drain.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2014 21:34     Subject: Re:Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, a SN child just puts more pressure on a marriage, end of story. Its a high-stakes emotional source of potential conflict, its expensive, its draining, it just adds stress in a way families with typically developing children don't have to deal with




We fight a lot more now. SN kid is exhausting. You are not alone.
We are each resentful for what our lives have become.
Yes, I am in therapy.


I sympathize. Our child's SN clearly came from my husband's side of the family. I was angry and resentful for a long time. I still am, although less so. He is a good man and a wonderful father.


I appreciate your honesty.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2014 21:24     Subject: Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
Anonymous wrote:Write the rest of the marriage off? Yes

Write the rest of the children off? No others.

Write the rest of your life off?
. Pretty much have had to.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2014 21:21     Subject: Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
Anonymous wrote:Are your marriage problems related to your child being SN? Do you think if your child were not SN, you would be asking the same exact question?


Not all, of course. But a non-SN child would not have required me to have given up so much for so long with respect to the time I can dedicate to my career. I have but a sliver of exhausted, worn out, burnt out time to devote to something other than what revolves around our child's needs. It is just the way things are, I know. But I feel like I have not been able to move beyond that constant supervision/management/sometimes not having a conversation with another adult that doesn't involve my child's needs and I am absolutely resentful of the freedom he at least gets to be completely away from it most of the day.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2014 21:17     Subject: Re:Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
<<Get to know all aspects of your SN kid and love them all and everything will end up O.K.>>

With all due respect, this is b.s. My DC has wonderful gifts, yes, but they do not compensate for his extreme disabilities. I have no reason to think everything will be ok. I have to consider that we will be caring for him financially and physically into adulthood.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2014 21:05     Subject: Re:Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, a SN child just puts more pressure on a marriage, end of story. Its a high-stakes emotional source of potential conflict, its expensive, its draining, it just adds stress in a way families with typically developing children don't have to deal with




We fight a lot more now. SN kid is exhausting. You are not alone.
We are each resentful for what our lives have become.
Yes, I am in therapy.


I sympathize. Our child's SN clearly came from my husband's side of the family. I was angry and resentful for a long time. I still am, although less so. He is a good man and a wonderful father.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2014 20:19     Subject: Re:Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
Anonymous wrote:OP, a SN child just puts more pressure on a marriage, end of story. Its a high-stakes emotional source of potential conflict, its expensive, its draining, it just adds stress in a way families with typically developing children don't have to deal with




We fight a lot more now. SN kid is exhausting. You are not alone.
We are each resentful for what our lives have become.
Yes, I am in therapy.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2014 19:51     Subject: Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
Yes, we pulled together and had two more kids. Our eldest with Aspergers Syndrome is doing wonderfully (he has friends and great grades). Our youngest has a speech/language delay, but we're dealing with it and he'll be just fine.

We're more in love than ever. The key is to take it as a challenge, not a deal breaker, and to love each other through it. If you remember why you got together and had kids in the first place -- love -- then a having a child with SN won't feel like the end of the world.

Also, remember that a disability is only one aspect of that child. Every SN kid we've ever met also had amazing gifts. Get to know all aspects of your SN kid and love them all and everything will end up O.K.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2014 19:44     Subject: Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
We hit some really rough patches, but knock on wood, we are going strong.

You know what made things really bad? We went for couples counseling. The woman claimed to have experience with parents who have children with our child's SN, but she clearly did not know WTF she was talking about and she made things worse for 2 months, then we dumped her. We really came together-us against that over-charging arrogant dipshit and we realized we had to make changes. We hashed things out for free. I will say after the worse of it, I think our relationship became stronger and better.


Anonymous
Post 03/29/2014 19:12     Subject: Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How? Anyone decide to hold the stability and structure in place for the sake if the child and just write the rest off?


OP, of course having an SN kid will put strain on a marriage. Plenty of people get divorced even with a SN child too. The bottom line is put the kid first. Staying in a bad marriage doesn't necessarily create stability and structure.


+1
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2014 19:09     Subject: Re:Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
Anonymous wrote:OP, a SN child just puts more pressure on a marriage, end of story. Its a high-stakes emotional source of potential conflict, its expensive, its draining, it just adds stress in a way families with typically developing children don't have to deal with


this. On the other hand, b/c I had to learn so much about psychology, a lot of what I apply to DC, I apply to myself, to dh and to us in problem solving : )

I am getting a sticker chart for me, dh, and dc. Not even kidding. : )
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2014 19:05     Subject: Re:Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
OP, a SN child just puts more pressure on a marriage, end of story. Its a high-stakes emotional source of potential conflict, its expensive, its draining, it just adds stress in a way families with typically developing children don't have to deal with
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2014 18:55     Subject: Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yes, in fact most of the families I know with SN kids are intact.

I can't figure out what you are asking.


Okay. Then maybe its just our marriage. Thanks for the judgment. Can you really not figure out what I am asking?


Well you could have a child who was just diagnosed and you want some reassurance that your marriage will survive the stress. In which case PP's post might have been helpful. We can't read minds.