Anonymous
03/31/2014 11:54
Subject: Re:Snobby mother in law
Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you have any conversation with her at all if she is like this. Send her the invitation. Why are you discussing the christening gown with her? You obviously aren't going to have a warm relationship with her and your husband is no help, start your boundary setting now. My MIL is nowhere near as bad as yours, but she drives me batsh*t crazy. She also lives within a 40 minute drive. I see her maybe 4 times per year and talk on the phone to her maybe 1 or 2 times per year.
Some rules to live by from now on:
1. Do not discuss personal things with her. If you don't talk about the christening gown, she can't criticize your choice. If she does criticize, ignore it.
2. She is old and more formal. So what. My mom is the same way. Insists on addressing mail to me as Mrs. Husband's First Name and Last Name. I never changed my name. I have been married for 15 plus years and my husband introduces me as wife First Name Birth Name. Whatever. My grandmother and aunts do the same thing. If it bugs you that much, correct her every single time. "Mrs. Smith, again, I am a physician. Accordingly, the proper form of address is Dr. Smith."
3. She wants to stay at your house spread out her crap every where. Either sack up and tell her to stay at a hotel or and go stay in one yourself. If I were you, I would book a room at a hotel with my parents and siblings and leave your husband with the baby and his mother. The key to making this work is to not express any anger at your husband over this.
Husband: "What?! Why are you going to a hotel?"
You: (Puzzled) "Well, Marty, I told you and your mother that I preferred for her to stay at a hotel given all the conflict we experienced during her last visit. You were very clear that you did not want to raise this issue with her which I totally understand. I am not going to spend the weekend on eggshells around her and she isn't coming to see me. She is coming to see the baby and you so this way, she gets exactly what she wants so she will be thrilled. And I am going to get a couple of nights of sleep and some quality time with my family. Win win!"
Except the loser will be your husband since he will be stuck dealing with his mother and the baby. Maybe next time he will think twice about not putting his family first if he is on the front lines experiencing discomfort.
4. If your parents think she is so awful, why do they have any contact with her? That's on them.
5. If she says offensive things, either confront her every time or stop complaining. Unless you got married without meeting her, you knew what she was like when you got married so this isn't a surprise.
PERFECT ANSWER
Anonymous
03/30/2014 19:15
Subject: Snobby mother in law
Anonymous wrote:She's 70 and will not live forever. Pick your battles, look forward to her funeral and save these stories about her to tell your DC.
People are living longer and longer and the bitch ones seem to live even longer. My mil is already 93 and counting...
Anonymous
03/30/2014 18:33
Subject: Snobby mother in law
Anonymous wrote:op,
you should not take crap from your MIL. she sounds like a fossil who refuses to change w/ the times. ignore her and do what you want. this is your life, not hers.
my MIL is a complete b**ch, and i limit my interactions with her.
this is your family. do what you want.
+1000
I would feel differently if she were gracious and knew how to bend, but since she has proven that she won't - its her problem, not yours.
Anonymous
03/30/2014 10:51
Subject: Snobby mother in law
Why are you and your DH allowing her to be the Rooster in your house? Tell her you need to have her stay at a hotel, get your DH to back you up. Hell pay for her damn hotel.
Anonymous
03/30/2014 10:35
Subject: Snobby mother in law
You are mixing unimportant details and important ones.
DH and yourself need to draw strict boundaries and follow through for the things that really matter, such as not accepting racist remarks or taking over your house.
As for the more formal attitude, bless her, we could use more of that
I come from a French family where formality is de rigueur. It does not denote ethical depravity!
Stay poised and courteous at all times with her, and do not be afraid to say smile and say "no, we are doing it our way." Do not be dragged into explanations. You have nothing to defend.
Anonymous
03/30/2014 10:23
Subject: Snobby mother in law
+1 Accept that you cannot change her and figure out where to draw boundaries. Accept that drawing boundaries will piss her off. There is nothing you can do to prevent that. Once you accept that, you will feel better. Sorry, OP, this sounds awful. Good luck!Anonymous wrote:She's 70 and will not live forever. Pick your battles, look forward to her funeral and save these stories about her to tell your DC.
Anonymous
03/30/2014 08:21
Subject: Snobby mother in law
Anonymous wrote:Is this for real? Grow a pair and tell her where to shove her needlepoint and christening gown. Do you know that you are in charge of your own life? WTF!
That wa exactly my thought as well. How do you let people do this? Is your "no" broken?
Anonymous
03/30/2014 00:22
Subject: Snobby mother in law
OP this is your child's christening, your MIL shouldn't have much if any input. Ignore her and use whichever christening gown you and dh have agreed upon.
Also, you are an adult. You can decide for yourself how to address people etc.
If you are intent on being addressed as "Dr", then correct her when she gets it wrong. Put your hand on her arm, and say "Actually, it's Dr... remember?" She is getting old, after all.
Also, you are an adult. You can decide for yourself how to address people etc.
If you are intent on being addressed as "Dr", then correct her when she gets it wrong. Put your hand on her arm, and say "Actually, it's Dr... remember?" She is getting old, after all.
Anonymous
03/29/2014 23:53
Subject: Snobby mother in law
op,
you should not take crap from your MIL. she sounds like a fossil who refuses to change w/ the times. ignore her and do what you want. this is your life, not hers.
my MIL is a complete b**ch, and i limit my interactions with her.
this is your family. do what you want.
you should not take crap from your MIL. she sounds like a fossil who refuses to change w/ the times. ignore her and do what you want. this is your life, not hers.
my MIL is a complete b**ch, and i limit my interactions with her.
this is your family. do what you want.
Anonymous
03/29/2014 17:06
Subject: Snobby mother in law
She could easily live another 20-30 years. Nip this in the bud now. Do not allow her to usurp whatever christening gown you want to use. Put your for down and use the one you want. If you want, you can say you'll use hers for the next kid.
Anonymous
03/29/2014 16:47
Subject: Re:Snobby mother in law
Previously she was married to your DH. Now you are. She is jealous. HOTEL!!! (for her) Once she starts staying in a hotel she will have much less power over you and your DH, and she will not be so much in your face. You can't let someone like that stay in your home with your DH and baby. Your home, your husband, your baby. The sooner you set these boundaries the better you will be. You are a doctor, you have dealt with difficult patients before. Use your skills.