Anonymous wrote:Would it have killed you to try going out once instead of just flat saying no ?

Anonymous wrote:Op here- thanks everyone for your feedback. My MIL and I just had an argument as I tried to explain to her where I was coming from. She didn't really want to hear it. So in the end, I simply told her that she and I are never going to discuss SIL again and that it's been a lot of back and forth and it's just too stressful for me as I have my own three kids and husband to worry about. Aside from the issue with my SIL my MIL is like one of those mothers where she's all about family sticking together, and she's from the school of I will do anything for my family. That's pretty much what she lectured me on, and although I feel bad, I'm not going to be guilted into doing something I don't want to. She kept asking me during the argument to give her reasons why I didn't like said SIL. This was a bit upsetting to me as I had no idea what she was trying to achieve. I refused and told her I dislike her for the same reasons you do. To which she responded" who told you I didn't like her" I was floored. I suppose All of those conversations I had with MIL were a dream. She also told me she was a grown up and suggested I was a child. I'm 36 years old and have always been pretty mature. Again I was shocked. I thought my suggestions is why MIL chose to change her attitude toward SIL. However, from our conversation earlier it appears that her son jumped on her about her treatment of his wife (SIL) and she doesn't want her son to be mad at her. I suggested that she and SIL go out alone together, she would hear nothing of it. So all in all. I'm not sure a real conclusion was met. The main thing is that she knows where I stand, she knows I'll treat my SIL with respect and be friendly, but am not open to a scheduled monthly night out. I'm not sure if this has affected my relationship with MIL. It saddens me to think so. But I have been a people pleaser all my life and it felt good to not give a hoot this once. It's been a good lesson all together. During this argument MIL told me about myself and let me know how she feels about some areas of my personality that she considers flawed. Perhaps this has been a good lesson for me in " getting a life". I have invested the majority of my time into my husbands family as my extended family is not close and live in another Country. I won't ever stress about BIL or SIL or MIL or any inlaw to the point that I'm so stressed that it causes me heart palpitations, and eczema breakouts. I can love them without getting pulled into the fray. This forum was a nice venue to vent, and to get feed back. Thanks

Anonymous wrote:Op here- thanks everyone for your feedback. My MIL and I just had an argument as I tried to explain to her where I was coming from. She didn't really want to hear it. So in the end, I simply told her that she and I are never going to discuss SIL again and that it's been a lot of back and forth and it's just too stressful for me as I have my own three kids and husband to worry about. Aside from the issue with my SIL my MIL is like one of those mothers where she's all about family sticking together, and she's from the school of I will do anything for my family. That's pretty much what she lectured me on, and although I feel bad, I'm not going to be guilted into doing something I don't want to. She kept asking me during the argument to give her reasons why I didn't like said SIL. This was a bit upsetting to me as I had no idea what she was trying to achieve. I refused and told her I dislike her for the same reasons you do. To which she responded" who told you I didn't like her" I was floored. I suppose All of those conversations I had with MIL were a dream. She also told me she was a grown up and suggested I was a child. I'm 36 years old and have always been pretty mature. Again I was shocked. I thought my suggestions is why MIL chose to change her attitude toward SIL. However, from our conversation earlier it appears that her son jumped on her about her treatment of his wife (SIL) and she doesn't want her son to be mad at her. I suggested that she and SIL go out alone together, she would hear nothing of it. So all in all. I'm not sure a real conclusion was met. The main thing is that she knows where I stand, she knows I'll treat my SIL with respect and be friendly, but am not open to a scheduled monthly night out. I'm not sure if this has affected my relationship with MIL. It saddens me to think so. But I have been a people pleaser all my life and it felt good to not give a hoot this once. It's been a good lesson all together. During this argument MIL told me about myself and let me know how she feels about some areas of my personality that she considers flawed. Perhaps this has been a good lesson for me in " getting a life". I have invested the majority of my time into my husbands family as my extended family is not close and live in another Country. I won't ever stress about BIL or SIL or MIL or any inlaw to the point that I'm so stressed that it causes me heart palpitations, and eczema breakouts. I can love them without getting pulled into the fray. This forum was a nice venue to vent, and to get feed back. Thanks

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a lot of crazy going on with that family. But one thing that stood out to me was that the OP encourged MIL to reconcile with her SIL but then turned down MIL's attempt at reconciliation because of her own need for babysteps.

How so? I think she was implying that she was willing to hang out every now and then just not a monthly commitment. She seems more like a peacemaker than a poop stirrer.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like mother in law likes drama and likes scapegoating people. Before she scapegoated sister in law. Now you may be the candidate.

Anonymous wrote:There's a lot of crazy going on with that family. But one thing that stood out to me was that the OP encourged MIL to reconcile with her SIL but then turned down MIL's attempt at reconciliation because of her own need for babysteps.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your MIL is way too involved in other people's business and that you've in a way been enabling her by listening to her bash your SIL. BIL & SIL's marital problems aren't hers to step in and fix, nor is the overall extended family dynamic.

If BIL and SIL are still unsure if they'll stay married, the best thing you can do is give them some space and offer support in the form of babysitting, not any additional social pressure.

The next time your MIL starts to go off on a family member, find a way to politely disengage. And wonder what she says about you.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like mother in law likes drama and likes scapegoating people. Before she scapegoated sister in law. Now you may be the candidate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agreeing to it in theory is different from actually making it happen. Do you think your other SILs will even agree to it? Even if they do, it'll probably happen the first few months in then stop. You could maybe respond in a non-committal, "Sure, let me know when."

Regarding your MIL's reponse, sometimes you're so caught up in trying to make things okay in a strained relationship, you become kind of obsessed and fixated and can't really see past that. That's probably what's happened here.

I don't think the other SIL cares for her either because of a slip up by her husband (my other BIl), but I have never broached the topic with her as I think it would be in poor taste. I would rather let her form her own opinion of our SIL. She is fairly new to the family. I'm pretty sure she would just go with the flow.

I agree, but I meant how do both SILs feel about the monthly get-together? Is that something THEY would be willing to do?

I know for sure the SIL in question would get together because she is doing everything in her might right now to keep her husband (my Bil) from leaving her. Which is another story in and of itself. Although in the past she has never really hung out with us when we offered to have her come along, I'm almost certain she wouldn't say no this offer whether she wanted to or not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agreeing to it in theory is different from actually making it happen. Do you think your other SILs will even agree to it? Even if they do, it'll probably happen the first few months in then stop. You could maybe respond in a non-committal, "Sure, let me know when."

Regarding your MIL's reponse, sometimes you're so caught up in trying to make things okay in a strained relationship, you become kind of obsessed and fixated and can't really see past that. That's probably what's happened here.

I don't think the other SIL cares for her either because of a slip up by her husband (my other BIl), but I have never broached the topic with her as I think it would be in poor taste. I would rather let her form her own opinion of our SIL. She is fairly new to the family. I'm pretty sure she would just go with the flow.

I agree, but I meant how do both SILs feel about the monthly get-together? Is that something THEY would be willing to do?