Anonymous
Post 03/23/2014 14:11     Subject: Do I tell my good friend her DH was with strippers?
On the fence or not, isn't it best to make such a big decision armed with all the facts you can get?

Knowing that your husband has lied to you, cheated on you, spent money on other women, and exposed you to STDs in the past seems quite relevant to decisions about trusting him now and giving him another chance.

I think it was cowardly not to let the friend hear about the strippers in the first place. And now, when you know the husband is trying to talk her out of using a lawyer and is lying about/hiding financial assets and doesn't want to pay child support, you still hesitate? With friends like that. . . .
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2014 13:24     Subject: Do I tell my good friend her DH was with strippers?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't see how its relevant anymore. He fooled around with some strippers years ago - so what.


And you assume he would never, ever do such a thing again?


Lol no not saying that I mean I don't see why its relevant for this lady to tell her friend now...they're already getting divorced - how does divulging this information help any?


She's on the fence about reconciliation. Also, she seems to trust this guy - maybe A LOT more than she should.

To some extent it is old news and Op handled it the best she knew how at the time...yet, it is some ways still very relevant info that may/may not influence this friend on how to proceed.


NP. I didn't see where she's on the fence of getting back with him.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2014 13:14     Subject: Do I tell my good friend her DH was with strippers?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't think his sex life is too relevant except perhaps in judging fitness for custody. However, this is all heresay isn't it? I suspect this info has little impact in determining fault- which isn't applicable in most states these days, anyway. They will just apply a formula to his income based on days with children annually.

I don't think it's fair to skewer OPfor not telling her- this knowledge will ultimately not do much for her in terms of her court proceedings, and only serve as another haunting memory. I would not twist the knife without pause.


It might strengthen her resolve to go through with the divorce and it might encourage her to stand up for her own rights a bit more. But you're right this info will likely neither save nor end the marriage.


It was information that would have been helpful for her 'friend' to have when deciding if the marriage was worth saving and what areas they needed to work on. As someone who has survived infidelity, I know that until you have honesty, you have no hope of rebuilding a relationship. Revealing this information now might still benefit her 'friend'. It would help reinforce her belief that she made the right decision to divorce.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2014 12:54     Subject: Do I tell my good friend her DH was with strippers?
Anonymous wrote:I don't think his sex life is too relevant except perhaps in judging fitness for custody. However, this is all heresay isn't it? I suspect this info has little impact in determining fault- which isn't applicable in most states these days, anyway. They will just apply a formula to his income based on days with children annually.

I don't think it's fair to skewer OPfor not telling her- this knowledge will ultimately not do much for her in terms of her court proceedings, and only serve as another haunting memory. I would not twist the knife without pause.


It might strengthen her resolve to go through with the divorce and it might encourage her to stand up for her own rights a bit more. But you're right this info will likely neither save nor end the marriage.

Anonymous
Post 03/23/2014 12:45     Subject: Do I tell my good friend her DH was with strippers?
I don't think his sex life is too relevant except perhaps in judging fitness for custody. However, this is all heresay isn't it? I suspect this info has little impact in determining fault- which isn't applicable in most states these days, anyway. They will just apply a formula to his income based on days with children annually.

I don't think it's fair to skewer OPfor not telling her- this knowledge will ultimately not do much for her in terms of her court proceedings, and only serve as another haunting memory. I would not twist the knife without pause.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2014 12:30     Subject: Do I tell my good friend her DH was with strippers?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't see how its relevant anymore. He fooled around with some strippers years ago - so what.


And you assume he would never, ever do such a thing again?


Lol no not saying that I mean I don't see why its relevant for this lady to tell her friend now...they're already getting divorced - how does divulging this information help any?


She's on the fence about reconciliation. Also, she seems to trust this guy - maybe A LOT more than she should.

To some extent it is old news and Op handled it the best she knew how at the time...yet, it is some ways still very relevant info that may/may not influence this friend on how to proceed.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2014 12:26     Subject: Do I tell my good friend her DH was with strippers?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't see how its relevant anymore. He fooled around with some strippers years ago - so what.


And you assume he would never, ever do such a thing again?


Lol no not saying that I mean I don't see why its relevant for this lady to tell her friend now...they're already getting divorced - how does divulging this information help any?
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2014 12:21     Subject: Do I tell my good friend her DH was with strippers?
Anonymous wrote:I don't see how its relevant anymore. He fooled around with some strippers years ago - so what.


And you assume he would never, ever do such a thing again?
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2014 12:03     Subject: Do I tell my good friend her DH was with strippers?
I don't see how its relevant anymore. He fooled around with some strippers years ago - so what.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2014 11:59     Subject: Do I tell my good friend her DH was with strippers?
Anonymous wrote:Op here. I didn't know if I should be the one who delivers info that could ultimately cause a marriage to break down. Especially with a baby.

She does have a lawyer that ex doesn't know about so she does have advice. But he's insistent on not using them. Oh and he's definitely not out to protect his child and my friend. He's already told her certain investment properties are his only, bc he invested in them (never mind the joint income that made savings possible).

I will tell her.


Glad to hear that she is getting legal advice. The jackass really doesn't get to say whether she can use a lawyer or not. My friend's ex tried to pull this stunt: "Oh we can work this out on our own..." Hell no. If he had his way, he wouldn't pay a dime for HIS child. Make sure your friend doesn't fall for this.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2014 11:58     Subject: Re:Do I tell my good friend her DH was with strippers?
You've not behaved as a friend should. I hope I don't know you.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2014 11:56     Subject: Do I tell my good friend her DH was with strippers?
Anonymous wrote:Op here. I didn't know if I should be the one who delivers info that could ultimately cause a marriage to break down. Especially with a baby.

She does have a lawyer that ex doesn't know about so she does have advice. But he's insistent on not using them. Oh and he's definitely not out to protect his child and my friend. He's already told her certain investment properties are his only, bc he invested in them (never mind the joint income that made savings possible).

I will tell her.


Again, I gotta ask: would you want to know if the positions were reversed? I would be livid if a good friend kept this info from me. Did you really think she should hold onto her marriage to this guy, baby or not? Seriously?

I'm glad you're going to tell her. It's long overdue.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2014 11:54     Subject: Do I tell my good friend her DH was with strippers?
Anonymous wrote:My very good friend who is an amazing mom, and professional has separated from her DH. He's always been "checked out" of the marriage. He's a terrible DH, and pretty crappy dad from my observations. Anyways, they sold their home and are living separately. I know friend hopes for a reconciliation but knows its unlikely since her DH hasn't shown interest. Prior to their separation, I became aware that he lied to her about visiting his parents but went to Vegas hooked up with strippers in his hotel room. He was with a friend whose wife found out and wanted to contact my friend to inform her. I didn't want to get involved so I didn't give the number or tell her. I felt like it was so obvious her marriage was bad I didn't want add to it and possibly pass info that could end it for good especially bc they have a young child. I thought about STDs. I thought a Lot about this but a part of me felt like I had to myob bc she hadn't talked expressly about their issues. If she had I may have acted differently. So after thinking about it didn't pass on her number. This woman would have to find another way. Not sure of she did. But I didn't want to ruin their marriage.



Now they have been separated for a year and I feel like this is important for the divorce and currently he's begged her to leave out lawyers, and just make a plan themselves but he refuses child support. I want her armed with the information that gives her dd and her the most advantage but I don't want her hurt further by this info. She's going thru so much. She's a fairly good friend of 4yrs. Is it my place to tell her? She's a very savy and intelligent woman. The separation was her idea. Maybe she knows about his behaviour as it is?


NP - You start this all off by describing her as "your very good friend" but then you found out her husband lied about where he was going, went to Vegas instead, hooked up with strippers, and YOU DIDN'T TELL HER??? Seriously, how can you call yourself a good friend? If her marriage had ended over this, it would have been for a very good reason: her DH is a lying cheating ass. It wasn't for you to make the decision what impact that fact would have on her marriage, and the marriage ended anyway. You should have given her the info and supported her as a friend in whatever decisions she had to make.

Ask yourself: if the situations were completely reversed, would you have wanted to know what this when your "very good friend" found out? I can't believe you thought about STDs and still didn't tell her.

Anyway, at this point, you should step up as a real friend and tell her. Why you would continue to protect this no good jerk (because, even if you think you're protecting your friend, you're NOT!) is beyond me, but hopefully you'll finally actually act like a friend and tell her. I can't believe you would want her to treat you with silence on this if the roles were reversed.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2014 10:28     Subject: Do I tell my good friend her DH was with strippers?
Tell her there was sadomasochism involved and possibly a goat...that'll teach him!!!
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2014 10:22     Subject: Do I tell my good friend her DH was with strippers?
Op here. I didn't know if I should be the one who delivers info that could ultimately cause a marriage to break down. Especially with a baby.

She does have a lawyer that ex doesn't know about so she does have advice. But he's insistent on not using them. Oh and he's definitely not out to protect his child and my friend. He's already told her certain investment properties are his only, bc he invested in them (never mind the joint income that made savings possible).

I will tell her.