Anonymous
03/14/2014 15:18
Subject: TTC friend has cut me off
Anonymous wrote:maril332 wrote:I'm on OP's side. Her friend does not have to act like she's the first person in the world to have issues in life. Ignoring good friends doesn't make it easier.
Agreed. I find this kind of fair weather friend to be incredibly self-centered.
+2. We all experience emotional situations or points in life-very serious, painful things- that makes being around one or more person painful. Sorry, she doesn't get a pass from me, either.
Anonymous
03/14/2014 15:17
Subject: TTC friend has cut me off
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If you've never been through it, you have NO IDEA how incredibly difficult and painful it is. Please, just give her time and space. And in the meantime, if you are a believer, please pray for her.
Signed - been there, done that.
Yeah, pray for her while she gives you her ass to kiss. The world doesn't revolve around her infertility.
Would you be so callous if your friend was dealing with a life-threatening illness? What if she suffered a death in her immediate family? Why are you making someone else's hardship about your needs?
Anonymous
03/14/2014 15:13
Subject: TTC friend has cut me off
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:maril332 wrote:I'm on OP's side. Her friend does not have to act like she's the first person in the world to have issues in life. Ignoring good friends doesn't make it easier.
I have to agree. I have secondary infertility and missing out on my friends' new children is anathema to me. I choose to think of it as an opportunity to flex my maternal side and grow the love around me, even if it isn't in the way I had imagined. I understand the pain people go through, but it is hard for me to understand what is gained by isolating oneself and pushing away people who want to love and support you. I have found that talking frankly about our situation has helped immensely, and that far from being "insensitive," my friends have proven themselves to be amazingly sensitive, gracious, and supportive.
I'm sorry but secondary infertility is different from not being able to have any children at all. You really don't understand that?
I do understand that. But I'm really glad that the people in Resolve group aren't like you, because it's not about whose got it worse and winning the "my life sucks more than yours" game. It's about the fact that everyone in that group has suffered loss in some form or another, and is trying to deal with it. I'm not judging those people, and thankfully they don't judge me or suggest that I don't have the right to be there. I simply said it's hard for me to understand what is gained by cutting people off and making yourself increasingly isolated in your pain.
Everyone deals with pain differently. Some people reach out. Others turn inward and need time alone to process.
I think that's fine. I still can see how it's hurtful to shut your friends out without simply saying, "You know, it's a tough time right now, and I just need some space for awhile." Regardless of our pain, we are not absolved from considering how our actions make others feel.
Anonymous
03/14/2014 15:10
Subject: TTC friend has cut me off
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:maril332 wrote:I'm on OP's side. Her friend does not have to act like she's the first person in the world to have issues in life. Ignoring good friends doesn't make it easier.
I have to agree. I have secondary infertility and missing out on my friends' new children is anathema to me. I choose to think of it as an opportunity to flex my maternal side and grow the love around me, even if it isn't in the way I had imagined. I understand the pain people go through, but it is hard for me to understand what is gained by isolating oneself and pushing away people who want to love and support you. I have found that talking frankly about our situation has helped immensely, and that far from being "insensitive," my friends have proven themselves to be amazingly sensitive, gracious, and supportive.
I'm sorry but secondary infertility is different from not being able to have any children at all. You really don't understand that?
I do understand that. But I'm really glad that the people in Resolve group aren't like you, because it's not about whose got it worse and winning the "my life sucks more than yours" game. It's about the fact that everyone in that group has suffered loss in some form or another, and is trying to deal with it. I'm not judging those people, and thankfully they don't judge me or suggest that I don't have the right to be there. I simply said it's hard for me to understand what is gained by cutting people off and making yourself increasingly isolated in your pain.
Everyone deals with pain differently. Some people reach out. Others turn inward and need time alone to process.
Anonymous
03/14/2014 15:04
Subject: TTC friend has cut me off
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:maril332 wrote:I'm on OP's side. Her friend does not have to act like she's the first person in the world to have issues in life. Ignoring good friends doesn't make it easier.
I have to agree. I have secondary infertility and missing out on my friends' new children is anathema to me. I choose to think of it as an opportunity to flex my maternal side and grow the love around me, even if it isn't in the way I had imagined. I understand the pain people go through, but it is hard for me to understand what is gained by isolating oneself and pushing away people who want to love and support you. I have found that talking frankly about our situation has helped immensely, and that far from being "insensitive," my friends have proven themselves to be amazingly sensitive, gracious, and supportive.
I'm sorry but secondary infertility is different from not being able to have any children at all. You really don't understand that?
I do understand that. But I'm really glad that the people in Resolve group aren't like you, because it's not about whose got it worse and winning the "my life sucks more than yours" game. It's about the fact that everyone in that group has suffered loss in some form or another, and is trying to deal with it. I'm not judging those people, and thankfully they don't judge me or suggest that I don't have the right to be there. I simply said it's hard for me to understand what is gained by cutting people off and making yourself increasingly isolated in your pain.
Anonymous
03/14/2014 15:01
Subject: TTC friend has cut me off
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If you've never been through it, you have NO IDEA how incredibly difficult and painful it is. Please, just give her time and space. And in the meantime, if you are a believer, please pray for her.
Signed - been there, done that.
Yeah, pray for her while she gives you her ass to kiss. The world doesn't revolve around her infertility.
Wow, you sound like a great friend (not).
So do infertile friends (not).
Anonymous
03/14/2014 15:01
Subject: TTC friend has cut me off
Anonymous wrote:maril332 wrote:I'm on OP's side. Her friend does not have to act like she's the first person in the world to have issues in life. Ignoring good friends doesn't make it easier.
I have to agree. I have secondary infertility and missing out on my friends' new children is anathema to me. I choose to think of it as an opportunity to flex my maternal side and grow the love around me, even if it isn't in the way I had imagined. I understand the pain people go through, but it is hard for me to understand what is gained by isolating oneself and pushing away people who want to love and support you. I have found that talking frankly about our situation has helped immensely, and that far from being "insensitive," my friends have proven themselves to be amazingly sensitive, gracious, and supportive.
I'm sorry but secondary infertility is different from not being able to have any children at all. You really don't understand that?
Anonymous
03/14/2014 14:52
Subject: TTC friend has cut me off
maril332 wrote:I'm on OP's side. Her friend does not have to act like she's the first person in the world to have issues in life. Ignoring good friends doesn't make it easier.
I have to agree. I have secondary infertility and missing out on my friends' new children is anathema to me. I choose to think of it as an opportunity to flex my maternal side and grow the love around me, even if it isn't in the way I had imagined. I understand the pain people go through, but it is hard for me to understand what is gained by isolating oneself and pushing away people who want to love and support you. I have found that talking frankly about our situation has helped immensely, and that far from being "insensitive," my friends have proven themselves to be amazingly sensitive, gracious, and supportive.
Anonymous
03/14/2014 14:38
Subject: TTC friend has cut me off
Anonymous wrote:OP, I think a nice note saying what you've said in your second paragraph right above (...we've shared a lot, I want to be there for you but I understand you may need distance, etc...) would be perfect.
If you are able to allow her space and time (if that's what she needs ) and still be prepared to be her friend during that and after - whatever after looks like, then you are a true friend.
I have been in her shoes and can understand why she might be behaving this way - especially when some of your mutual friends are on their second kid. There is such anguish with infertility, and will all of the losses, failures, guilt, time, physical/emotional/monetary strains that come with it, etc...
Your kindness and understanding, and willingness to allow distance without writing off the friendship, are the best things you can do for her until she asks for something more.
thank this advice and offer to have a girls night out/no kids.
Anonymous
03/14/2014 14:33
Subject: TTC friend has cut me off
ITA with 13:46. Been there done that. Most long-term difficult period of life. Let her know you are thinking of her and leave it at that for now.
Anonymous
03/14/2014 14:22
Subject: TTC friend has cut me off
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If you've never been through it, you have NO IDEA how incredibly difficult and painful it is. Please, just give her time and space. And in the meantime, if you are a believer, please pray for her.
Signed - been there, done that.
OP here. I know what it's like to really, really want a child, and be disappointed month after month. But eventually, I did conceive and give birth. So I can't say I know what her journey has been.
We are pretty close friends, we've shared a lot over the years, and I wish I could be there for her. But I kind of understand. It's just a time in life when many of our mutual friends are getting married and having children. Some are on their second child at this point.
This is not to say it's comparable, but I have envied her relationships and her job and her money and many things in her life. I hope and believe it will happen for her. That's all I can do for now.
You sound like a great friend, OP. I'm sure she will come around. Thank you for valuing her friendship enough to show some compassion and understanding for what I know is an incredibly dark time in her life.
Anonymous
03/14/2014 14:20
Subject: TTC friend has cut me off
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If you've never been through it, you have NO IDEA how incredibly difficult and painful it is. Please, just give her time and space. And in the meantime, if you are a believer, please pray for her.
Signed - been there, done that.
Yeah, pray for her while she gives you her ass to kiss. The world doesn't revolve around her infertility.
Wow, you sound like a great friend (not).
Anonymous
03/14/2014 14:18
Subject: TTC friend has cut me off
OP, I think a nice note saying what you've said in your second paragraph right above (...we've shared a lot, I want to be there for you but I understand you may need distance, etc...) would be perfect.
If you are able to allow her space and time (if that's what she needs ) and still be prepared to be her friend during that and after - whatever after looks like, then you are a true friend.
I have been in her shoes and can understand why she might be behaving this way - especially when some of your mutual friends are on their second kid. There is such anguish with infertility, and will all of the losses, failures, guilt, time, physical/emotional/monetary strains that come with it, etc...
Your kindness and understanding, and willingness to allow distance without writing off the friendship, are the best things you can do for her until she asks for something more.
If you are able to allow her space and time (if that's what she needs ) and still be prepared to be her friend during that and after - whatever after looks like, then you are a true friend.
I have been in her shoes and can understand why she might be behaving this way - especially when some of your mutual friends are on their second kid. There is such anguish with infertility, and will all of the losses, failures, guilt, time, physical/emotional/monetary strains that come with it, etc...
Your kindness and understanding, and willingness to allow distance without writing off the friendship, are the best things you can do for her until she asks for something more.
Anonymous
03/14/2014 14:05
Subject: TTC friend has cut me off
Anonymous wrote:If you've never been through it, you have NO IDEA how incredibly difficult and painful it is. Please, just give her time and space. And in the meantime, if you are a believer, please pray for her.
Signed - been there, done that.
OP here. I know what it's like to really, really want a child, and be disappointed month after month. But eventually, I did conceive and give birth. So I can't say I know what her journey has been.
We are pretty close friends, we've shared a lot over the years, and I wish I could be there for her. But I kind of understand. It's just a time in life when many of our mutual friends are getting married and having children. Some are on their second child at this point.
This is not to say it's comparable, but I have envied her relationships and her job and her money and many things in her life. I hope and believe it will happen for her. That's all I can do for now.
Anonymous
03/14/2014 13:57
Subject: TTC friend has cut me off
Anonymous wrote:If you've never been through it, you have NO IDEA how incredibly difficult and painful it is. Please, just give her time and space. And in the meantime, if you are a believer, please pray for her.
Signed - been there, done that.
Yeah, pray for her while she gives you her ass to kiss. The world doesn't revolve around her infertility.