I love DH and love having sex with him and I have a hard time seeing him objectively -- I think he's attractive, but I can't tell if he really is or not to other people because I can't separate my feelings from my view. Married 19 years, BTW.

All that to say that I cannot believe how many coldhearted mercenary bitches are on here and how many people seem to have married for superficial issues. Divorce the poor guy already and find someone as shallow as you, OP -- don't make him suffer any longer with you with or without sex.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm not even talking about obesity (making me even more of an asshole). Just a bit of weight gain that, like I said, obscures the physical attributes I was attracted to. (I don't know, 20-30 pounds?)

20-30 pounds is hellovalot of weight. Losing 30 lbs can knock off years from a person's appearance.

But that's age specific, to some extent. At 50, almost all men are going to be 20+ lbs above their college weight. I weighed 175 as a college athlete, and 190 at 50. I work out and still play my sport. 20 lbs is almost inevitable. Plus, I eat much healthier now than I did in the day. So for me anyway, there's probably no way I get back to 175, short of leaving my career and training full time.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm not even talking about obesity (making me even more of an asshole). Just a bit of weight gain that, like I said, obscures the physical attributes I was attracted to. (I don't know, 20-30 pounds?)

20-30 pounds is hellovalot of weight. Losing 30 lbs can knock off years from a person's appearance.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here: I think you should be honest with him and give him a chance to fix it. I'd rather know the truth and find a way to deal with it. Also, just a PSA for the single women on DCUM, please don't marry a man you don't find that attractive. It kind of sucks to spend years wo dering why your DW isn't that into sex. Ask me how I know. ;-p

Abso-fucking-lutely. Unless you're a complete troll, there is someone in the world who will probably find you attractive. It's just cruel to deprive your s/o of a chance to find that person if you aren't one who does.

Totally disagree. Physical attraction is one of the least important factors in picking a mate.

OP here. I'm not even talking about obesity (making me even more of an asshole). Just a bit of weight gain that, like I said, obscures the physical attributes I was attracted to. (I don't know, 20-30 pounds?)

The thing is that if you tell your obese spouse that you do not find their excess weight attractive or you are embarrassed of them in public, then you are an asshole.

If you tell your spouse that you are worried about their health, it just does not have the shock value of saying that you don't find them attractive. So, they ignore you and do nothing.

Yes, intellectually I want my spouse to be healthy so all the internal organs and body system is working well - for the good of my family. But emotionally and in my secret thoughts I am put off with the obesity as well.

The truth is that the fit spouse does not see the clogged arteries of their overweight spouse, but they do see the hanging gut and jowly face.

The fit spouse may not feel the great effort the heart of the obese spouse has to undertake to keep blood flowing in that body, but they feel the tires, the bulges, the rolls of fat, the man boobs - and it is a mood killer.

Anonymous wrote:OP I had the same thing at about 7 years of marriage (now at 19!) I agree with the PP that suggested alcohol. Believe me, it will pass when in a few years your friends with the hot husbands are all getting divorced and you will be thankful that your husband is such a great person on the inside.

Thanks for this. He is a great person on the inside, which is why I love him and why I married him.

Anonymous wrote:I was dating someone I wasn't 100% attracted to. So I forced myself to fantasize about him - both sexually and during nonsexual activities - and it helped me become more attracted to him. Maybe that could help? Replace Channing Tatum with your husband in your fantasies, and see what happens?

That said, I'm also a fit woman who has trouble being attracted to men who aren't in good shape, so I understand where you're coming from. I'm not saying they have to hit the gym every day, but I like a guy who takes care of himself. For me, being completely sedentary and not eating well is a red flag that I'm going to caregive for someone in his later years when his good luck runs out - or that he'll die early. I tend to date military, runners or guys who have always played a sport - they appreciate that I keep in shape too.

Interesting approach ... I could give it a shot. I'm not really sure how to "make myself" fantasize about him, but I can definitely give it a try. I've never been big on fantasy, but maybe now's the time. Along with the alcohol and blindfolds some have suggested, could get interesting...

I was dating someone I wasn't 100% attracted to. So I forced myself to fantasize about him - both sexually and during nonsexual activities - and it helped me become more attracted to him. Maybe that could help? Replace Channing Tatum with your husband in your fantasies, and see what happens?

That said, I'm also a fit woman who has trouble being attracted to men who aren't in good shape, so I understand where you're coming from. I'm not saying they have to hit the gym every day, but I like a guy who takes care of himself. For me, being completely sedentary and not eating well is a red flag that I'm going to caregive for someone in his later years when his good luck runs out - or that he'll die early. I tend to date military, runners or guys who have always played a sport - they appreciate that I keep in shape too.

If your husband actively gets hit on, it means he is a very attractive man.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here: I think you should be honest with him and give him a chance to fix it. I'd rather know the truth and find a way to deal with it. Also, just a PSA for the single women on DCUM, please don't marry a man you don't find that attractive. It kind of sucks to spend years wo dering why your DW isn't that into sex. Ask me how I know. ;-p

Abso-fucking-lutely. Unless you're a complete troll, there is someone in the world who will probably find you attractive. It's just cruel to deprive your s/o of a chance to find that person if you aren't one who does.

I often feel guilty about it. I know there are plenty of women who find him attractive - he gets hit on as much as I do. But I also have to say, I think there was an unspoken understanding about this with us from the very start of our relationship. I think he always knew this was the case, and wanted to be with me anyway. And as much as I feel guilty about it from time to time, I can't say that I think we made the wrong choice. We love each other very much and sex is fantastic based on that alone. The physical attraction is something I have to get over to get in the mood to start with, but once we're in it, I'm there and it's great. I don't know ... it's complicated?

DH from above: I'd be very surprised if there was an "unspoken" understanding of this on your DH's side. More likely he assumed low drive in general, or you being shy or something like that. I agree it's complicated now though. Not an easy issue to manage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I had the same thing at about 7 years of marriage (now at 19!) I agree with the PP that suggested alcohol. Believe me, it will pass when in a few years your friends with the hot husbands are all getting divorced and you will be thankful that your husband is such a great person on the inside.

The question isn't really whether it's worthwhile for the unattracted spouse to overlook that fact. The question is whether this is a good deal for the spouse who is not regarded as attractive.

The question can be both. Once married it's both of their problem.

Anonymous wrote:OP I had the same thing at about 7 years of marriage (now at 19!) I agree with the PP that suggested alcohol. Believe me, it will pass when in a few years your friends with the hot husbands are all getting divorced and you will be thankful that your husband is such a great person on the inside.

The question isn't really whether it's worthwhile for the unattracted spouse to overlook that fact. The question is whether this is a good deal for the spouse who is not regarded as attractive.

OP I had the same thing at about 7 years of marriage (now at 19!) I agree with the PP that suggested alcohol. Believe me, it will pass when in a few years your friends with the hot husbands are all getting divorced and you will be thankful that your husband is such a great person on the inside.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here: I think you should be honest with him and give him a chance to fix it. I'd rather know the truth and find a way to deal with it. Also, just a PSA for the single women on DCUM, please don't marry a man you don't find that attractive. It kind of sucks to spend years wo dering why your DW isn't that into sex. Ask me how I know. ;-p

Abso-fucking-lutely. Unless you're a complete troll, there is someone in the world who will probably find you attractive. It's just cruel to deprive your s/o of a chance to find that person if you aren't one who does.

I often feel guilty about it. I know there are plenty of women who find him attractive - he gets hit on as much as I do. But I also have to say, I think there was an unspoken understanding about this with us from the very start of our relationship. I think he always knew this was the case, and wanted to be with me anyway. And as much as I feel guilty about it from time to time, I can't say that I think we made the wrong choice. We love each other very much and sex is fantastic based on that alone. The physical attraction is something I have to get over to get in the mood to start with, but once we're in it, I'm there and it's great. I don't know ... it's complicated?