OP, you sound exhausting.

Anonymous wrote:Would this be a red flag to you:

Incredibly bad childhood (primary caregiver alcoholic, divorced 6 times):

Guy I'm dating says:

No connection to a single former step Fathers, no sadness
Found out about one divorce when the real estate agent showed up, no emotion
Moved for a new parental marriage after getting into a prestigious school (TJ) and couldn't attend, no emotion
Etc...

Accepts everything as "yeah, and...?" Won't even admit or acknowledge that those are painful memories or experiences. Denies any emotion. Claims totally over it and has moved on. Red flag?

He told you all this (how else would you know?) then when you want to talk about it, he says, yeah and...? Lots of problems. Why take this on?

You know what? You really don't want a guy with that kind of past who is processing it in a very emotional way. It will be overwhelming to you and you would run the other way to get away from him.

I had a very, very bad childhood. I don't talk about it around most people because it's too much to listen to. People get disturbed and I feel like I should apologize for having my life. I'm also not that interested in talking about it or rehashing how it made me feel. Why would I want to relive all of those horrible feelings? I spent a lot of time working to get past those feelings and getting free of them. I'm over it. Let me be over it.


"Yeah, and?" are words that have come out of my mouth in reference to those experiences. They are in the past. There is nothing to do about them. I can't mourn them forever. I won't spend my life bitter or seeking revenge. I crapped out when parents were assigned. It happens. Somebody has to get the people who are on the far end of the bell curve in parenting.

When I did have a lot of feelings about the divorces, the alcoholism, the physical abuse, the sexual abuse, the sheer insanity of living with my mom and her undying hatred for her children, I was NOT a happy person and I was NOT easy to be around. I was depressed, suicidal, self-destructive. Does he act in ways that seem harmful to him or to you? Does he drink too much? Get in fights with strangers? Have an anger problem? Is he mean to you? Does he cut himself? Is he depressed? If he doesn't show those behaviors, then I would say it's not a red flag. If he does those behaviors, I would say that it is a red flag. (Those behaviors are red flags on their own.)


BTW, I was pretty much over it until my mom died. When she died, I had a couple of years of EXTREME emotional upset as I processed the whole relationship over again. Of course, her current behavior had a lot to do with it. She was still a practicing addict when she died. She was DUI and caused an accident that put a couple of other people in the hospital. She explicitly disowned me in her will, and said some very nasty things in the course of doing so. It took awhile to get over that. (Is your boyfriend's mother still alive? Is she still a mess? You might want to think about whether you want someone like that for a MIL.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:not everyone processes painful experiences the same way. I had a lot of lousy things happen in childhood but I don't brood over them as an adult. They sucked, I learned what I could from them (for example, how not to treat people) and I've moved on with my life. I'd be more wary of someone who obsesses over stuff that happened 20 yrs ago.

I don't expected him to continue to dwell on the past, but he doesn't acknowledge that "it sucked" at all. I'm saying that he does not admit to having ever had real feelings in the moment. For example, I didn't get my dream job 10 years ago and I remember being very upset about it. Clearly I'm over it now.

The reason I ask of it's a red flag is that I feel he displays little to no emotion at all and does not like to discuss difficult situations. For example, a friend of his told me some things about him that he lied about to me and his response was to completely cut the friend out of our life rather than talk about it or deal with the issues brought up.

Well THAT is a red flag, without question.

Agree with this. I think I'm the first poster to mention googling adult children of alcoholics. My father was the same way. His mother was an alcoholic. My dad displayed no emotion whatsoever, and was completely averse to conflict.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200702/toxic-brew

I would highly recommend not having children with a person who has not learned to deal with their painful past. They are not a good parent.

Is he otherwise an emotional person?

^^ I mean that he lied to you and then refused to discuss it or deal with his friend. But as PP said, the red flag is about your present relationship and how you communicate and deal with problems. The current dynamic in your relationship (he expresses no emotion, etc) is much more significant than hiw he talks about or deals with his past.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:not everyone processes painful experiences the same way. I had a lot of lousy things happen in childhood but I don't brood over them as an adult. They sucked, I learned what I could from them (for example, how not to treat people) and I've moved on with my life. I'd be more wary of someone who obsesses over stuff that happened 20 yrs ago.

I don't expected him to continue to dwell on the past, but he doesn't acknowledge that "it sucked" at all. I'm saying that he does not admit to having ever had real feelings in the moment. For example, I didn't get my dream job 10 years ago and I remember being very upset about it. Clearly I'm over it now.

The reason I ask of it's a red flag is that I feel he displays little to no emotion at all and does not like to discuss difficult situations. For example, a friend of his told me some things about him that he lied about to me and his response was to completely cut the friend out of our life rather than talk about it or deal with the issues brought up.

Well THAT is a red flag, without question.

I don't share bad experiences with people because their reactions or pity irritate me. They say stupid shit and ask ridiculous questions. I can discuss it without emotion.

You don't know what it's like. It's very presumptuous to act like you know how he should feel about it.

I think the whole notion of a "red flag" is that you are putting someone to a test. How someone processes and speaks of a past life experience is so highly individual to that person and to a particular circumstance that to speak of it as a red flag -- I can only see it as a red flag if he were to tell you about this tragedy and then burst into hysterical laughter or have some other dramatically inappropriate reaction. Otherwise, no, it's not a "red flag." It's just him as a person.

Trust your intuition, OP.

I don't expected him to continue to dwell on the past, but he doesn't acknowledge that "it sucked" at all. I'm saying that he does not admit to having ever had real feelings in the moment. For example, I didn't get my dream job 10 years ago and I remember being very upset about it. Clearly I'm over it now.

The reason I ask of it's a red flag is that I feel he displays little to no emotion at all and does not like to discuss difficult situations. For example, a friend of his told me some things about him that he lied about to me and his response was to completely cut the friend out of our life rather than talk about it or deal with the issues brought up.

Stop making this about his past. It's not. It's about your relationship and how you, as a couple, work through the issues. Stop trying to get him to emote or to think you could possibly know what he felt. You have no idea what it's like growing up like that and your trite experience about a dream job is irrelevant.

Would it be a red flag is he broke down into tears and started sobbing for hours about how much he's suffered and how miserable his life has been and how he has thoughts of suicide and/or murder?

The red flag to me is his saying "and?" after telling you about the situation. Almost as if he is dismissing that anyone would find his history problematic or that you might want to provide support or empathy. I apologize if I am misreading his comment.

Anonymous wrote:Would this be a red flag to you:

Incredibly bad childhood (primary caregiver alcoholic, divorced 6 times):

Guy I'm dating says:

No connection to a single former step Fathers, no sadness
Found out about one divorce when the real estate agent showed up, no emotion
Moved for a new parental marriage after getting into a prestigious school (TJ) and couldn't attend, no emotion
Etc...

Accepts everything as "yeah, and...?" Won't even admit or acknowledge that those are painful memories or experiences. Denies any emotion. Claims totally over it and has moved on. Red flag?

I'm a guy so certainly not an expert on the intricacies of female intuition and what constitutes a red flag from a ladies point of view but I can say this...from a man's perspective the main red flag I see is the OP's lingering doubt. The fact that the OP steadfastly believes that the guy is dating is only "claiming" to be over these issues and moved on is disturbing. The fact that for whatever reason the OP is insistent that he is surely hiding some emotions of pain or anger or anxiety related to his past and refusing to admit or acknowledge them is disturbing. As a guy, even if the OP was right on the money about him repressing his feelings - which is totally his choice I mean different people handle things different ways - the fact that she questions his decision and his ability with regard to handling those things would be a red flag.

I have a friend who is separated from her DH after 25 years of marriage. This guy sounds like your boyfriend. He had a terrible past, never talked about it. Over the years he would "cut off" people when he could not deal. Did not work through things. Very avoidant and, honestly, cowardly. Not great emotional intelligence. He cannot deal with his teen kids at all and avoids them emotionally, as well as his spouse.

He is the adult child of an alcoholic. He likely experienced abuse and is likely to never process any of it therapeutically. He will also be the first to think that he has just moved on and that he is very "normal." He can't recognize what healthy behaviors truly are because he never had role models growing up, and he is too fearful to address his past.

Big red flag. Would be a deal breaker for me.