Anonymous wrote:Does your DS seem to want to stay in the marriage or dies he seem checked out already?

does

Does your DS seem to want to stay in the marriage or dies he seem checked out already?

Things have gone too far, and for too long with this other woman. Your husband is saying to you all the classic things people say when they're cheating (on whatever level) and deceiving. He wants to have his cake and eat it.

If you're brave enough, you should consider meeting with the therapist on your own, and figure out the various possible scenarios and outcomes, and what you will do in each case.

Then, in a meeting with your therapist present, I would say it's time to give your husband an ultimatum. He chooses his "friendship" with the woman, or he chooses you and cuts off all contact with her. At best, she's a distraction from focusing on what you and he need to work on. At worst, he's bailing on you and running to her. If you guys have any chance, he's going to have to put you above his "friend."

You have to do this in a positive way, and then be a positive person who gives your best and lets him see/remember what he first saw in you and how good things can be with you. If the two of you then rediscover each other and the relationship improves, big win for you both and the kid(s). If it doesn't work out, you gave it your best shot and have no one to blame.

I don't really see any point to riding it out, and letting him have both you and this other "friend." Sure, if you take a stand, you risk having him run straight off to her, but he's doing that anyway, while stringing you along and lying.

If my husband asked for my phone records, I'd say sure. It's weird to keep that stuff secret in a marriage.....unless you are trying to hide something.

OP, I'm so sorry. This is highly inappropriate and it's disgusting that you, his wife, has said repeatedly you're hurt and bothered by his actions and he's dismissing you entirely. He's in the euphoric, juvenile stages of a relationship with Jane where there are no problems, no long-standing resentment of old issues, etc. It's all funny flirtation. If it continues, let him know he will end up paying lots of money to see his kids part time, and whence and Jane begin having problems, what then? He needs to grow up and work on his marriage. I suggest bringing this up in therapy IF your therapist can be tough with him.

Anonymous wrote:No, not appropriate. He's likely having at least an emotional affair, if not on its way to physical.

+1. Men who seriously want to work on their marriage don't do this. You knew the answer to this before you even posted.

I know this is hard, but based on everything you have said, I would confront him IN therapy lay out your concerns clearly. I would not be emotional or over-dramatic about it because I think he will use that as ammunition and it will be a distraction. I think with the therapist's input you should set up some boundaries/limits. If he is willing to agree with this and does not continue to lie or hide things I think your marriage could survive. If he continues to argue semantics and what he wants, then that would be a huge warning sign.

Secondly, take care of yourself. This is so important. Spend time with your kids one-on-one. Schedule a day out for just yourself and friends. DO not contact this lady. At the end of the day this has NOTHING to do with her. The responsibility lies fully with your husband, do not turn this into an issue about her you will just complicate things.

Protect your feelings, pull back a little in the relationship- be open to talking and discussing but do not lose hold on your priorities (self-care) and the limits and boundaries that you have agreed on. If he wants to argue, say your piece and stop. Say you are open to discussing more in therapy.

This is completely, absolutely inappropriate. His relationship with this woman is a major problem and the tip-off is that he kept his interactions with her hidden from you. I am so sorry. I really am. I recently went through something like this in our marriage (actually, worse) and it nearly broke us. The only reason we survived was because he cut off all contact with her and went to counseling for what seemed like forever. If he did not cut off contact with her, I was willing to walk out the door and I would have.

Op very sorry to say I have been in your shoes and it was an affair. I know the urge to contact her is strong but there's no point. She doesn't care about your marriage.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he's gas lighting you.

Otherwise, he would react differently to your claims.

Yup. You are not crazy, he should not feel puzzled or confused.

It sounds like he's gas lighting you.

Otherwise, he would react differently to your claims.

I'm sorry...I happen to think he's already cheating. He's just letting the truth dribble out.

Anonymous wrote:Have you checked his phone records? Does he call/text her a lot?

I just told him I wanted to do this and he said I was blowing this way out of proportion. So i don't know what to do..he seems upset and puzzled why I am upset and concerned.

OP here - should I call Jane or write her a note on fB expressing my dismay and asking her to stay away from dH or is that insane?

Or, should I do as my mother suggested and say nothing more because if I nag and complain about this issue, it will only drive DH into her arms and he will resent me.

I am so upset. He clearly has been lying to me about how much he sees her. And he did not invite me to his office Christmas party and later mentioned she was there.

Have you checked his phone records? Does he call/text her a lot?