Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I'm not a troll. And I'm not a single parent. I'm a SAHM with two daughters and have a husband who travels a lot for work. My brother would come over a lot to give me a break with the girls so I could get my hair, nails, errands done and give my husband and I a date night. Once married, that went out the window. I thought them having kids would do babysitting swapping, but no interest. No more cards, lunches, just the relationship we had is not there anymore. I'm not being selfish- I expect family to be there for each other.

Yes, you are being selfish. he was there for you. Now he needs you to give him space. Family should understand that. So what, his wife doesn't want to do "babysitting swapping." I don't blame her. Perhaps she prefers a situation where the babysitter is clearly an employee, so she can be very specific in instructions. Perhaps she disagrees with your style of parenting and would prefer someone else watch her child.

Family does not get to exploit each other. Grown siblings don't get to make demands on each other. If your relationship with your brother were truly one of friendship and not exploitation, you would be more concerned with whether or not he is happy now, not how much time he has for you.

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I'm not a troll. And I'm not a single parent. I'm a SAHM with two daughters and have a husband who travels a lot for work. My brother would come over a lot to give me a break with the girls so I could get my hair, nails, errands done and give my husband and I a date night. Once married, that went out the window. I thought them having kids would do babysitting swapping, but no interest. No more cards, lunches, just the relationship we had is not there anymore. I'm not being selfish- I expect family to be there for each other.

So, are you sitting for his niece so your brother and SIL can get a date night? So your SIL can get her hair done? So they can run errands?

Your brother has his own family now and they come first. You and everyone else are secondary.

OP Here. I'm not a troll. And I'm not a single parent. I'm a SAHM with two daughters and have a husband who travels a lot for work. My brother would come over a lot to give me a break with the girls so I could get my hair, nails, errands done and give my husband and I a date night. Once married, that went out the window. I thought them having kids would do babysitting swapping, but no interest. No more cards, lunches, just the relationship we had is not there anymore. I'm not being selfish- I expect family to be there for each other.

1445++ Of cOUrse he's more busy and has less time to babysit/socialize now that he has a wife & kids of his own! His family should be the priority.

I really hoped this was a troll thread. Really, your brother did all this stuff for you and now you're upset because he has his own family to take care of and doesn't have time to babysit for you or buy you lunch anymore? That sounds awfully selfish...

Oh, and did you really expect your brother to continue to see you several times a week once he started a family of his own? That seems unreasonable. It's natural for friends and family to have less time for each other when they're deep in the child-rearing years. It may very well come back around.

I agree, of course you should call. And once a week phone calls are pretty darn good amidst the responsibilities of balancing work and raising small children.
Your family of origin didn't have "typical" boundaries and it seems you are under the impression that most families operate that way but your SIL's perspective is more "normal".
I understand missing that connection with your brother and there's no reason you can't find a way to maintain it in a way that is comfortable for everyone - which means you must respect their "boundaries".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Title says it all. Before my brother met her, he would come over all the time, babysit for me, play with my daughters, take us to lunch, call at least two-three times a week, then he meets her, gets married, and bam, we never see him anymore. He only calls maybe once a week, never comes over, and doesn't bring his daughter over, claiming they are "too busy." The last two years have been so incredibly crushing losing this relationship. I have no relationship with my neice either- for they are always doing stuff with SIL's sisters. She wants "boundaries", which my family thinks is outrageous. No one should have to call to see family.

I think I see her problem with all of you. I'm on her side.

Yep, Team SIL here. Good grief, of course you should call.

OMG -- u are complaining about talking to someone only 2x a week...if u are not a troll...you are loony!

Anonymous wrote:Title says it all. Before my brother met her, he would come over all the time, babysit for me, play with my daughters, take us to lunch, call at least two-three times a week, then he meets her, gets married, and bam, we never see him anymore. He only calls maybe once a week, never comes over, and doesn't bring his daughter over, claiming they are "too busy." The last two years have been so incredibly crushing losing this relationship. I have no relationship with my neice either- for they are always doing stuff with SIL's sisters. She wants "boundaries", which my family thinks is outrageous. No one should have to call to see family.

OP, this is nothing new. I lost my brother to my SIL also. This phenomenon is similar to the MIL issues. Man's relationship with his mother and sister changes after he marries. If the new wife does not get along with the family, then they will not be close. I am so glad I have a daughter!

The sad truth, OP, is that most men gravitate towards their wives' social circles because it is mostly women who keep contact, initiate invitations and stay close to their families.

It is an issue with mothers and their sons as well.

Accept that your brother has a right to prioritize his nuclear family (wife and child), and rue the fact that his wife prefers to spend time with *her* family and friends instead of yours. It is extremely common. Have you made overtures to do something with both families that she would like as well, like a picnic to the zoo, etc?
And be grateful for the time your brother spent in your family before that!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she break your brother's arms, and now he can't pick up a phone? He has 100% control over whether he contacts his family and how much time he spends with you. Stop blaming the woman.

I agree 100% percent. It's the BROTHER'S responsibility to maintain a relationship. Women in DCUM seem to blame SILs constantly. It makes you wonder why women hate each other so much.

He calls once a week. That's more than I speak to my own siblings who aren't even married yet.

Spin the bottle

He calls you once a week and that's not enough? I think the only thing he's " failed" at is not getting his daughters together with your girls more frequently. All of the other things are a part of being married. I assume that he works. Think about this. The average working man spends about 4 waking hrs a day with his family. I'm sure when the weekend comes he devotes the majority of time to spending time with his family or for any home projects he may have. You can't really expect to see him on a weekly basis c? If so you and your family are being unreasonable. As far as family calling before dropping in, there's nothing wrong with it. I think most families with little ones appreciate this. Perhaps as they get older and their daughter has friends and 1/2 the neighborhood coming and going then they may be willing to loosen up at bit. This is 2014, drop ins are a thing of the past like borrowing sugar, being in the closet and skin the bottle.