Anonymous
Post 02/27/2014 06:26     Subject: What is your plan to take care of elderly parents?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My parents have some money saved. They are only in their 50's, so ideally we'll have a while before it becomes a serious need (although there is a history of alzheimers in my dad's side). It's going to be rough though--they live in a resort town in California, my sister's in Seattle, and I'm in DC. Not exactly easy to pop over to check in, nor will they be thrilled with such a huge move.

Definitely a conversation to have over the next few years. At least they finally made a will.


Wow, they are young. Mine are in their eighties and we are in (or nearly for me) our 50s.


OP here. Depends on the attitude of the parents. Some parents "get old" at 50. Some parents find 50 is the beginning of life. Or a new beginning. That attitude really changes the timeline we have to prepare for. at 32, my 55 year old mother is going to be in an exponentially degraded place at 60.


it wasn't meant to be a comment that people cannot get sick in their 50's. More of a comment that DH and I could be your parents. We are family late bloomers and have children in our 30's and 40's. In our family, 50's means having children in HS. My mother was a grandmother for the first time at age 67 (her parents died when she was 9 and 14). Her father was born in 1888.

I am sorry you are having to go through that so early in your life.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2014 23:51     Subject: What is your plan to take care of elderly parents?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My parents have some money saved. They are only in their 50's, so ideally we'll have a while before it becomes a serious need (although there is a history of alzheimers in my dad's side). It's going to be rough though--they live in a resort town in California, my sister's in Seattle, and I'm in DC. Not exactly easy to pop over to check in, nor will they be thrilled with such a huge move.

Definitely a conversation to have over the next few years. At least they finally made a will.


Wow, they are young. Mine are in their eighties and we are in (or nearly for me) our 50s.


OP here. Depends on the attitude of the parents. Some parents "get old" at 50. Some parents find 50 is the beginning of life. Or a new beginning. That attitude really changes the timeline we have to prepare for. at 32, my 55 year old mother is going to be in an exponentially degraded place at 60.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2014 21:55     Subject: What is your plan to take care of elderly parents?
Anonymous wrote:Medicaid.

DH's parents only have $250K in savings despite two solidly middle class careers. Vacations, excessive shopping, lavish dinners out, luxuary cars, two homes, a boat, etc. Live paycheck to paycheck. Did not pay anything towards college for DH - which is fine and he has done well arguably becuase of the struggle, but illustrates their spending habits.

We have a child with severe medical needs and I had to leave my job to deal with therapies, surgeries, hospitalizations, etc. I refuse to help financially given that they squandered and flittered away two good salaries. They are both not doing well medically and have moved in with DH's grandma. (She is 90!!!)

I have heard about Elder Care laws and how some states (PA, maybe others?) are trying to go after children to pay nursing home costs. I cannot imagine any judge would say we should pay for the care of two people we have no control over and did almost nothing to save for their own care. My situation could easily be the poster child for why these "laws" are unconstitutional and immoral.


My DH's parents are EXTREMELY financially irresponsible and have debt and no savings; despite a significant inheritance several years ago and a home that should be fully paid off, but was mortgaged to the hilt that they are now underwater on. Both are able bodied and do not work. Not sure what their plan is, but I can confirm it does not involve money coming from me. We will do everything in their power to make sure they have food, shelter and the necessities, but the extravagances that they feel they "deserve" are simply not going to happen on my dime.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2014 21:46     Subject: What is your plan to take care of elderly parents?
Anonymous wrote:Medicaid.

DH's parents only have $250K in savings despite two solidly middle class careers. Vacations, excessive shopping, lavish dinners out, luxuary cars, two homes, a boat, etc. Live paycheck to paycheck. Did not pay anything towards college for DH - which is fine and he has done well arguably becuase of the struggle, but illustrates their spending habits.

We have a child with severe medical needs and I had to leave my job to deal with therapies, surgeries, hospitalizations, etc. I refuse to help financially given that they squandered and flittered away two good salaries. They are both not doing well medically and have moved in with DH's grandma. (She is 90!!!)

I have heard about Elder Care laws and how some states (PA, maybe others?) are trying to go after children to pay nursing home costs. I cannot imagine any judge would say we should pay for the care of two people we have no control over and did almost nothing to save for their own care. My situation could easily be the poster child for why these "laws" are unconstitutional and immoral.


You do realize that is a decent amount to save and Medicaid only pays when your savings is under $2500. It is very hard to find a Medicaid bed.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2014 21:34     Subject: What is your plan to take care of elderly parents?
I am the middle child. My mom loved my brother best and so she will live with him. My dad loved my sister best and will live with her. That's THE PLAN - they just don't know it yet!
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2014 21:14     Subject: What is your plan to take care of elderly parents?
Medicaid.

DH's parents only have $250K in savings despite two solidly middle class careers. Vacations, excessive shopping, lavish dinners out, luxuary cars, two homes, a boat, etc. Live paycheck to paycheck. Did not pay anything towards college for DH - which is fine and he has done well arguably becuase of the struggle, but illustrates their spending habits.

We have a child with severe medical needs and I had to leave my job to deal with therapies, surgeries, hospitalizations, etc. I refuse to help financially given that they squandered and flittered away two good salaries. They are both not doing well medically and have moved in with DH's grandma. (She is 90!!!)

I have heard about Elder Care laws and how some states (PA, maybe others?) are trying to go after children to pay nursing home costs. I cannot imagine any judge would say we should pay for the care of two people we have no control over and did almost nothing to save for their own care. My situation could easily be the poster child for why these "laws" are unconstitutional and immoral.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2014 14:08     Subject: What is your plan to take care of elderly parents?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
So it is okay for your parents to live with you but not DH's?


This is pretty common if conversations with friends are any indication. Not specifically that "my parents are ok, his are not" but rather "one set of parents are ok, others are not."

Sometimes there are poor relationships or simply enough differences in being that living together would be a terrible mistake. Within my own family, I could live with my mother but not with my father. Assuming my mother and father wish to continue living with each other, they cannot live in my house. My husbands parents could live with us.

I have a friend who moved her parents in and almost immediately started looking for another alternative because she wanted to preserve the relationship she had with them and she could see if they had to live under the same roof their relationship would be destroyed.


I originally made the top comment. I think the PP's response is spot on. DH doesn't want to live with his parents, either, but is willing to live with mine. It's all about the close relationship we have with my parents and not as much with his. I would live with DH's father, but not his stepmother (who doesn't exactly speak to us for whatever reason, she has her issues). DH's mom & stepdad march to the beat of a different drummer and living together would ruin our relationship with them.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2014 13:29     Subject: Re:What is your plan to take care of elderly parents?
My in laws will drink themselves to death.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2014 13:14     Subject: What is your plan to take care of elderly parents?
Keep good relations with your siblings. Minimize any finger pointing/keeping score regarding your parent's care. Never add any unnecessary drama.

Signed ~ child of two 90 yr old parents.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2014 12:19     Subject: What is your plan to take care of elderly parents?
Anonymous wrote:
So it is okay for your parents to live with you but not DH's?


This is pretty common if conversations with friends are any indication. Not specifically that "my parents are ok, his are not" but rather "one set of parents are ok, others are not."

Sometimes there are poor relationships or simply enough differences in being that living together would be a terrible mistake. Within my own family, I could live with my mother but not with my father. Assuming my mother and father wish to continue living with each other, they cannot live in my house. My husbands parents could live with us.

I have a friend who moved her parents in and almost immediately started looking for another alternative because she wanted to preserve the relationship she had with them and she could see if they had to live under the same roof their relationship would be destroyed.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2014 12:07     Subject: What is your plan to take care of elderly parents?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My parents have some money saved. They are only in their 50's, so ideally we'll have a while before it becomes a serious need (although there is a history of alzheimers in my dad's side). It's going to be rough though--they live in a resort town in California, my sister's in Seattle, and I'm in DC. Not exactly easy to pop over to check in, nor will they be thrilled with such a huge move.

Definitely a conversation to have over the next few years. At least they finally made a will.


Wow, they are young. Mine are in their eighties and we are in (or nearly for me) our 50s.


I was thinking the same thing! A lot of the time when you hit 50 you have the dual worry of taking care of your aging/elderly parents while assisting your fledgling offspring...

Anonymous
Post 02/26/2014 12:05     Subject: What is your plan to take care of elderly parents?
Anonymous wrote:My parents plan well and should be able to pay for their own long term care. Although, they know when it comes to it, I'll be the one making decisions when they can't and they're welcome to come live with us.

My inlaws are another story. The one set, I don't know what their finances are like, but they're more likely to take care of themselves. The other set, I know hasn't planned for crap. Luckily, both of them have a closer relationship with DH's brother (who lives near them) and he owes a lot of favors to the less well off set. So he'll be on the hook for taking care of them and figuring it all out. There is no way I want to be responsible for either set and neither DH or I want them living with us. I'm going to stick my head in the sand and hope we get off the hook.


So it is okay for your parents to live with you but not DH's?



Anonymous
Post 02/26/2014 12:02     Subject: What is your plan to take care of elderly parents?
Anonymous wrote:My parents have some money saved. They are only in their 50's, so ideally we'll have a while before it becomes a serious need (although there is a history of alzheimers in my dad's side). It's going to be rough though--they live in a resort town in California, my sister's in Seattle, and I'm in DC. Not exactly easy to pop over to check in, nor will they be thrilled with such a huge move.

Definitely a conversation to have over the next few years. At least they finally made a will.


Wow, they are young. Mine are in their eighties and we are in (or nearly for me) our 50s.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2014 11:58     Subject: What is your plan to take care of elderly parents?
My parents have some money saved. They are only in their 50's, so ideally we'll have a while before it becomes a serious need (although there is a history of alzheimers in my dad's side). It's going to be rough though--they live in a resort town in California, my sister's in Seattle, and I'm in DC. Not exactly easy to pop over to check in, nor will they be thrilled with such a huge move.

Definitely a conversation to have over the next few years. At least they finally made a will.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2014 11:51     Subject: What is your plan to take care of elderly parents?
Anonymous wrote:
Is it possible to take out LTC on my parents without them knowing about it?


No--- apart from other things, I think they need medical records/exam.