I wish I had a good answer for you, OP. Distance is your friend. Limiting contact with your mom can help. If she stirs up your issues, you need to have less contact with her, even if it means your kids have less contact with her. You are much more important to your kids than is your mom, so you need to be in strong emotional health as much of the time as possible. If your mom disrupts your emotional stability, then you need to limit your time with her.

I've had to cut people out of my life that were damaging to me. I feel better, but I feel the loss too. It's sad, but you have to make the best of an imperfect situation. Your mom will never change, and you may never entirely be rid of the anger, but in time you will put it into perspective. Forgiving your mom for her bad behavior is not the same is saying what she did is OK. Forgiving really means you are letting go of it, putting it into the past and cutting loose its hold on your emotions. Good luck, OP.

I have the same mum, OP. Try to remember that your mum is involved in your DC's life in a positive fashion, that helps.

Sometimes it is easier to be a good grandparent than parent, unfortunately.

DH's and also my own mum was neither, so that's that It would be nice if one was normal, KWIM?

Pray for her everyday. Pray that she is happy and that she has peace and that she gets everything she wants in life. Pray that she gets everything you would want for yourself.

It will be hard at first, but eventually the practice of forming good intentions for her will get easier and then you will let your anger and hurt and resentment go. The prayer will drive it out.

You know OP. I tend to think it is NOT your fault. I don't understand people willing to blame innocent children for greedy, selfish parents who put themselves before their children more often than not.

And they expect those children NOT to put them in a nursing home? For real?

All you can do is work to be the opposite. Emulate only the good you have had in your life. 99% of the time it will NOT be your mom, and that is a great thing. You can do it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just grew out of it, I guess. At a certain point I realized that my mother will never admit all the wrongs she had done to me as a child/teen - she still believes that she did the best she could. We have a good relationship now (she is my only relative other than my husband and children and she loves her grandkids), but it took me consciously deciding, as an adult, that I just needed to move on - the hatred hurts the hater, not the hated.

This only works if the issues are in the past. But glad it's worked for you, PP.

I agree with you - it is very hard to move past your feelings when her behavior continues. I've been dealing with this for years and years and years! Her behavior continues to be hateful, mean spirited, slighting, etc. My head has told me that I need to move on and get past it, but my feelings have continued to be hurt (her treatment of me and of my kids in particular). That said, recently I've understood that I just have to look at her (alternating) outbursts, mean comments, and deliberate ignoring of my kids as reinforcement that my decision to distance myself and to protect myself/kids is the right decision.

There is power in changing how you look at the situation. I understand how you feel and I wish you luck in dealing with your situation to the best of your ability. It is hard and I get that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just grew out of it, I guess. At a certain point I realized that my mother will never admit all the wrongs she had done to me as a child/teen - she still believes that she did the best she could. We have a good relationship now (she is my only relative other than my husband and children and she loves her grandkids), but it took me consciously deciding, as an adult, that I just needed to move on - the hatred hurts the hater, not the hated.

This only works if the issues are in the past. But glad it's worked for you, PP.

PP here. My skin got thicker with age. And distance helps - I would never live in the same city.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just grew out of it, I guess. At a certain point I realized that my mother will never admit all the wrongs she had done to me as a child/teen - she still believes that she did the best she could.

Do you think she *didn't* do the best she could at the time?

No she did not. Home life was so impossible I left home at 16 and we could not talk to each other without it degenerating into a fight until my early 20s.

Anonymous wrote:I just grew out of it, I guess. At a certain point I realized that my mother will never admit all the wrongs she had done to me as a child/teen - she still believes that she did the best she could. We have a good relationship now (she is my only relative other than my husband and children and she loves her grandkids), but it took me consciously deciding, as an adult, that I just needed to move on - the hatred hurts the hater, not the hated.

This only works if the issues are in the past. But glad it's worked for you, PP.

Anonymous wrote:I just grew out of it, I guess. At a certain point I realized that my mother will never admit all the wrongs she had done to me as a child/teen - she still believes that she did the best she could.

Do you think she *didn't* do the best she could at the time?