Anonymous
Post 02/05/2014 17:02     Subject: Why do I need everyone to love me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:New poster here, very similar reactions to men as OP. I flirt constantly and crave attention from men.

My dad was only moderately engaged when I was a kid - travelled a lot - but we have a fantastic relationship now.

For those who have gone through therapy for this - what does it actually do for you? Does it teach you coping mechanisms, or do you really re-train yourself to not crave this attention? I find it hard to believe that I could ever stop liking the feeling of being desired!


The goal isn't to stop liking feeling desired, the goal is to understand why you crave it and see if there's another way to fulfill your need. Many of you posting sound like you have a hole to fill and you fill it with male attention. What you want to do is to figure out why you have that hole and how it got there. Once you have identified that, you may find better/healthier/more effective ways to address it. The healthiest and longest lasting relationships are between people who are complete and whole on their own. That's what you are aiming for.


Doesn't everyone crave attention though?

Not at all. I couldn't care less if a man ever looked my way.
That's my thought, too. Don't all straight women want attention from men?


I'm the "The goal..." poster. Do I like positive attention from people (men or women)? Sure. Do I crave it? Nope. When I was single I sought out male attention only as far as I was searching for a long term partner. Now, I am married. If no man ever flirted with me ever again, it would make no difference to me at all.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2014 16:58     Subject: Why do I need everyone to love me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:New poster here, very similar reactions to men as OP. I flirt constantly and crave attention from men.

My dad was only moderately engaged when I was a kid - travelled a lot - but we have a fantastic relationship now.

For those who have gone through therapy for this - what does it actually do for you? Does it teach you coping mechanisms, or do you really re-train yourself to not crave this attention? I find it hard to believe that I could ever stop liking the feeling of being desired!


The goal isn't to stop liking feeling desired, the goal is to understand why you crave it and see if there's another way to fulfill your need. Many of you posting sound like you have a hole to fill and you fill it with male attention. What you want to do is to figure out why you have that hole and how it got there. Once you have identified that, you may find better/healthier/more effective ways to address it. The healthiest and longest lasting relationships are between people who are complete and whole on their own. That's what you are aiming for.


Doesn't everyone crave attention though?

Not at all. I couldn't care less if a man ever looked my way.
That's my thought, too. Don't all straight women want attention from men?
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2014 16:43     Subject: Why do I need everyone to love me?
Anonymous wrote:Op seems self aware. But many women who are like this are not. They says stuff like, "I'd rather be friends with guys! Women are so bitchy" and "I'd rather work with men than women," which is bad for other women.


I think people of either sex who do not have same-sex friends, it's a red flag. But yes, there's an archtype of woman who hates and is hated by other women, almost instinctively and always seems to have a circle of men. Avoid, avoid, Danger Will Robinson, Danger.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2014 16:41     Subject: Why do I need everyone to love me?
Anonymous wrote:A few months of quality therapy could take you a long way. Seriously.


+1

I'm a guy, but I did a bunch of stuff that made people say "mommy issues" - well, my mother was kind of cold, manipulative and used conditional love/approval to control people (she is herself a black hole of emotional need - and no I don't hate her, but I feel kinda bad for her). I hated it when people said that because it was insulting and cliche. But cliches exist because they are true. So, I had rescuer/white knight syndrome and I was a doormat.

Anyway, I finally got some quality therapy, and suddenly, Poof, I quit being drawn to toxic women and actually became a lot more attractive to the other sex, as well as just generally being a heck of a lot happier.

It was well worth it, in terms of pride and money, suck it up, scrape it together, and go. Be willing to hear things that might be hard on your ego. Totally worth it.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2014 16:25     Subject: Why do I need everyone to love me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:New poster here, very similar reactions to men as OP. I flirt constantly and crave attention from men.

My dad was only moderately engaged when I was a kid - travelled a lot - but we have a fantastic relationship now.

For those who have gone through therapy for this - what does it actually do for you? Does it teach you coping mechanisms, or do you really re-train yourself to not crave this attention? I find it hard to believe that I could ever stop liking the feeling of being desired!


The goal isn't to stop liking feeling desired, the goal is to understand why you crave it and see if there's another way to fulfill your need. Many of you posting sound like you have a hole to fill and you fill it with male attention. What you want to do is to figure out why you have that hole and how it got there. Once you have identified that, you may find better/healthier/more effective ways to address it. The healthiest and longest lasting relationships are between people who are complete and whole on their own. That's what you are aiming for.


Doesn't everyone crave attention though?[/

That's my thought, too. Don't all straight women want attention from men?


quote]

No, not to the same degree. If I want to date a man, I want his attention. If I don't want to date him, I actually would rather not have his attention.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2014 16:23     Subject: Why do I need everyone to love me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow. This is fascinating for me to read. I am not like this, but I work with the woman who is. It really annoys me and frankly makes me not like her. She always directs her attention to the men in the room. She pretty much ignores women. Even if the only man in the room is an intern, she focuses on him. She flirts a lot with men and doesn't seem to like women very much. It's like she sees women as competition.

I guess my point is, it's good that you are aware that you do this. I suggest you make a concerted effort not to do this in the workplace.

There are men who are like this too. I dated one and now know that I do not want to date this type anymore. Some people just crave attention from the opposite sex and like to flirt with people even if they don't want to date them. Interestingly, his mother abandoned his family when he was preteen.


I understand your frustration with her behavior, but please try to understand she hates it more than you do. None of us want to feel like this.


Op seems self aware. But many women who are like this are not. They says stuff like, "I'd rather be friends with guys! Women are so bitchy" and "I'd rather work with men than women," which is bad for other women.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2014 16:21     Subject: Why do I need everyone to love me?
Answer: low self-esteem. When you seek validation from outside sources, you will always lose because by definition, it's fairly sporadic at best, then you're always hunting for the next attention "high." When you feel good about yourself you take good and bad attention with a grain of salt because you know that no one else can tell you what you're worth.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2014 16:09     Subject: Why do I need everyone to love me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel exactly the same way. I'm married but I'm currently feeling mopey because my crush has put the kibosh on any flirting and now I feel like there's nothing to look forward to every day. My marriage is great - truly - but I already know he loves me, so there's no excitement there.

I've always been this way. I HAVE to have a crush on someone, anyone. If there's only one average-looking guy in the room, he's suddenly an Adonis in my mind.


14:00 here. This is me, exactly.


I'll go you one "better." I usually have multiple crushes, at various stages of flirtation. The football dad, who I know will never do more than glance meaningfully at me and perhaps pay me a compliment or two. The cute guy down the hall at work, who's definitely too young, but great eye candy. The old boyfriend who's now single and will ask me to lunch once in a while. It's all part of the tapestry of life.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2014 16:01     Subject: Why do I need everyone to love me?
Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel exactly the same way. I'm married but I'm currently feeling mopey because my crush has put the kibosh on any flirting and now I feel like there's nothing to look forward to every day. My marriage is great - truly - but I already know he loves me, so there's no excitement there.

I've always been this way. I HAVE to have a crush on someone, anyone. If there's only one average-looking guy in the room, he's suddenly an Adonis in my mind.


14:00 here. This is me, exactly.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2014 15:57     Subject: Why do I need everyone to love me?
OP, I feel exactly the same way. I'm married but I'm currently feeling mopey because my crush has put the kibosh on any flirting and now I feel like there's nothing to look forward to every day. My marriage is great - truly - but I already know he loves me, so there's no excitement there.

I've always been this way. I HAVE to have a crush on someone, anyone. If there's only one average-looking guy in the room, he's suddenly an Adonis in my mind.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2014 15:42     Subject: Why do I need everyone to love me?
I don't crave attention from every guy I meet. I want some men to pay attention to me--mostly my husband. And if I meet someone that I find really attractive, I might enjoy a sign that he also finds me attractive. But most guys--no, I don't want, let alone seek, that kind of attention from them. I don't need constant validation from every guy around me that I'm desireable. Certainly, it's not a craving.

Plus, there's a difference between a woman who likes knowing that men find her attractive and a woman who craves that attention and feels compelled to flirt with men and win them over.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2014 14:27     Subject: Why do I need everyone to love me?
It's more than simply wanting it.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2014 14:00     Subject: Why do I need everyone to love me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:New poster here, very similar reactions to men as OP. I flirt constantly and crave attention from men.

My dad was only moderately engaged when I was a kid - travelled a lot - but we have a fantastic relationship now.

For those who have gone through therapy for this - what does it actually do for you? Does it teach you coping mechanisms, or do you really re-train yourself to not crave this attention? I find it hard to believe that I could ever stop liking the feeling of being desired!


The goal isn't to stop liking feeling desired, the goal is to understand why you crave it and see if there's another way to fulfill your need. Many of you posting sound like you have a hole to fill and you fill it with male attention. What you want to do is to figure out why you have that hole and how it got there. Once you have identified that, you may find better/healthier/more effective ways to address it. The healthiest and longest lasting relationships are between people who are complete and whole on their own. That's what you are aiming for.


Doesn't everyone crave attention though?


That's my thought, too. Don't all straight women want attention from men?
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2014 14:00     Subject: Why do I need everyone to love me?
I had a good relationship with my dad but I have this problem too. I think it's because I always felt so ugly as a kid.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2014 13:56     Subject: Why do I need everyone to love me?
Anonymous wrote:Wow. This is fascinating for me to read. I am not like this, but I work with the woman who is. It really annoys me and frankly makes me not like her. She always directs her attention to the men in the room. She pretty much ignores women. Even if the only man in the room is an intern, she focuses on him. She flirts a lot with men and doesn't seem to like women very much. It's like she sees women as competition.

I guess my point is, it's good that you are aware that you do this. I suggest you make a concerted effort not to do this in the workplace.

There are men who are like this too. I dated one and now know that I do not want to date this type anymore. Some people just crave attention from the opposite sex and like to flirt with people even if they don't want to date them. Interestingly, his mother abandoned his family when he was preteen.


I understand your frustration with her behavior, but please try to understand she hates it more than you do. None of us want to feel like this.