It sounds like you did pick your battle (parenting over pint glasses-a wise choice) and she eventually got the message.
Good for you!

Even if things don't change, you established a boundary which will make the next conversation easier, and shorter.
It takes a few coats of paint....

She may also reconsider taking for granted that she can do whatever crosses her mind in your home. SLOW CLAP.

What is your background with your step Mom? Did she break up your parents' marriage?

Anonymous wrote:

Gambit wrote:So I finally had a brief talk with SM today. I ignored all of the petty things she's done and went right to the heart of the matter. "Jen, I need you to do something for me. Can you please stop telling out child that we're doing things wrong. It's not good for him to hear that we're feeding him wrong when he feels like being bratty, or he wants something he can't have."
Her response was to completely ignore it.

She says something pertaining to what we were just discussing before hand. (She texted me asking for Tech advice and I called her back this morning) "Oh you didn't have to call me back so early I know you maybe like to sleep in on weekends."

I responded politely "oh don't worry. I was up with DS feeding breakfast. But do you understand why I'm asking you not to tell him to tell us we're feeding him wrong, etc?"

Then she finally acknowledged my request. Then we said our good byes and call ended. They're do to come visit in about 2 months. I'll know then if my talk had any effect.

and if they bring down any more personal items, I'll not only make sure they take those back, but I'll ask them to take back their dam pint glasses.

I would first think they forgot the items and have them boxed & ready to take home with them. Either way, solves the problem in the least hurtful way.

Sounds like she is just acting like family and making herself comfortable at your house, where she assumes she is welcome. Do you live in a resort or something? Near a ski slope or a beach or something? Somewhere she may be using you as a free hotel instead of visiting you and your child? Doesn't sound like it. Sounds like she anticipates visiting you because you are family.

You sound really difficult.

Gambit wrote:So I finally had a brief talk with SM today. I ignored all of the petty things she's done and went right to the heart of the matter. "Jen, I need you to do something for me. Can you please stop telling out child that we're doing things wrong. It's not good for him to hear that we're feeding him wrong when he feels like being bratty, or he wants something he can't have."
Her response was to completely ignore it.

She says something pertaining to what we were just discussing before hand. (She texted me asking for Tech advice and I called her back this morning) "Oh you didn't have to call me back so early I know you maybe like to sleep in on weekends."

I responded politely "oh don't worry. I was up with DS feeding breakfast. But do you understand why I'm asking you not to tell him to tell us we're feeding him wrong, etc?"

Then she finally acknowledged my request. Then we said our good byes and call ended. They're do to come visit in about 2 months. I'll know then if my talk had any effect.

and if they bring down any more personal items, I'll not only make sure they take those back, but I'll ask them to take back their dam pint glasses.

I would first think they forgot the items and have them boxed & ready to take home with them. Either way, solves the problem in the least hurtful way.

Anonymous wrote:She may be super annoying. But -

The thing with the car door, I didn’t care when it was my dad opening her door. I would even open it on occasion when his hands are full and she just sitting there useless.
It only bothered me when she and I went somewhere, and she expecting the same princess treatment from me.

I would be shocked if my DH or one of my sons didn't open the door for me. Of course, they always do. They were raised right.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Anyone who comes right out and says that is DEFINITELY low-class. But please go on. What else do you do to "raise" your children (I'm having a little visual of porkers at feeding time)?

Why can't you open your own door? You sit in the car until your husband or sons carry the bags inside and wait for them to come out and open the door for you?
Any woman who can't open her own door is setting us back decades.

Obviously I can. And I do when my DH isn't with me. However, when my DH is with me he always opens every door for me. I don't think I've set anyone back "decades".

Again, my DH was raised right. Sorry yours wasn't.

Anonymous wrote:Can I get the steak recipe?

Hahahaaaaa

Anonymous wrote:She may be super annoying. But -

The thing with the car door, I didn’t care when it was my dad opening her door. I would even open it on occasion when his hands are full and she just sitting there useless.
It only bothered me when she and I went somewhere, and she expecting the same princess treatment from me.

I would be shocked if my DH or one of my sons didn't open the door for me. Of course, they always do. They were raised right.

Why can't you open your own door? You sit in the car until your husband or sons carry the bags inside and wait for them to come out and open the door for you?
Any woman who can't open her own door is setting us back decades.

Op I am a woman and I think you are being completely reasonable and she is over the line. Now that you have said you are male, you are going to get lots of posters saying you are petty, you are in the wrong etc... as there is lots of male bashing on this board.

Promise that you'll post her reaction when you drive to your dad's, get out of the car and go into the house - leaving her to sit in the car! I can easily imagine your dad asking, "where's Larla?" and you responding, 'I don't know. She was in the car when I pulled in".

She may be super annoying. But -

The thing with the car door, I didn’t care when it was my dad opening her door. I would even open it on occasion when his hands are full and she just sitting there useless.
It only bothered me when she and I went somewhere, and she expecting the same princess treatment from me.

I would be shocked if my DH or one of my sons didn't open the door for me. Of course, they always do. They were raised right.

PP here. I also forgot to say, I didn't master the hotel thing until 38 when my dad got cancer and we had to be silent a lot of the time so he could sleep. My DH would take the kids to the hotel while I stayed to play the daughter role. This created a nice buffer for my spouse, in spite of the fact he had to manage 2 kids alone in a hotel. It also gave us access to things we wanted and liked, which was comforting and less stressful.

This is just another point of view, because a)I GET IT.
b) I am on your side.

Is it possible that she is trying to entrench herself into your lives and redefine her role, to one where she feels welcome/is welcome?

The behaviors you cite (all annoying, BTW) are those of someone who needs to be reminded that they have a place of permanence in your life.
1) The waffle iron (I plan to be eating breakfast at your home for years to come).
2) The robes (We plan to visit often and will be making ourselves at home
3) The glasses (We are cool buddies and will have a cold one with you from time to time-be ready for it!)
4) The steak (I recognize that your wife has a talent for this and one of the things we do together is eat this delicious thing your wife is so wonderful because she does it so well and I could never do it.)
5) The feeding the baby thing (In families, we tease and say goofy things about each other but we still love each other at the end of the day, you stinkyface.)

It sounds like you are the closest thing to a child that she has. She has never known the fatigue of life with a baby, let alone twins, and could not fathom how huge a PITA it would be to set up all of these fantasy scenarios for her because you and your DW have NO SPARE TIME, NO SPARE ENERGY, and NO EXTRA CASH (I assume....we don't).

She has an idea of how she's like your visits to be, and is trying to set the stage in your home and her own, including menu prep. (A parent of a toddler or 2 does menu prep like this: Oh crap. It is 4:45. Do we have spaghetti? A person with NOTHING TO DO takes another approach. Ahem)

I read a great book called The Explosive Child when I was in therapy re: my parent with a narcissistic personality disorder. You have kids. You have no time to read it. I say you take her stuff and put it in the "I'm totally ignoring that (the steaks....yeah. That didn't work out.)" box, the "That was annoying, I'm going to do it anyway (frost the glasses, and ask her to bring some for you 2 so you can all match)" and "No way in hell" box. (Don't smoke around my kid. Don't talk about me in front of my kid. Don't drive with my kid w/o a car seat or after having alcohol...) The NO WAY IN HELL box can be you, as a DAD/MAN, just saying, "Hey Jane. We don't do that. Just don't." If she is hurt, ignore that. Some things are your job as a parent and setting the tone and the boundary. It isn't OK for her or anyone to critique your parenting to your kid, but some mother/son relationships include a degree of "Daddy is a bumbling idiot and I know more" loving teasing. She may have seen this among her friends. She probably considers your kids her grandkids, but, she hasn't earn that with you and she is not your mom.

Someone also told me when I was about 35 "adults stay at hotels." I get that it would hurt your dad, but he may not really enjoy the earful he gets from your SM about her unappreciated advice. She is more like a mother-in-law and maybe you can detach from her demands in this way, as you would for your wife's parents, do that to give peace to your dad. You can use the whole, "The kids are bad sleepers," and "We need a pool" routine. You could also say your wife has an allergy to the cat that has been dead for 10 years or that you have "points" so you might as well. Have them come meet you at the hotel from breakfast and then plan the day. The neutralizing walls of a lobby designed by a corporation do wonders for family affairs.

She loves you. She is just bad at it. You also have all of the "cards" here, because you have your life ahead of you and you have the grandkids.
You don't have to love her back. You do owe it to your wife & kids to not go nuts, and if you separate from your dad b/c of her, your kids miss out on getting to know your dad. That would suck.

Can I get the steak recipe?

OP,

Usually I'm all for turning the other cheek and killing them with kindness, but if she's escalating, you just might have to try out the first PP's "How to Deal with a Three year old List".
Also, stay at an hotel when you visit.

Incidentally, how does your wife feel about your stepmother?

Stay strong!

Anonymous wrote:
Agree on all points. FYI-my husband always gets my door--some guys are classy like that. FYIW when I was dating I noticed if I guy got the door or picked up the check. I married a guy who did both and I am still married. My friends who didn't get about such things..are pretty much all divorced because guys who don't do that sort of stuff are lazy about other stuff and it gets old.

Yeah, I was one of those "classy" guys until we had twins. Now, when we stop, I have to get myself out, and get one or two kids out before I can help out my wife. Usually we each get out by ourselves and we each go to the door immediately behind us and take the child directly behind out seat out. The joys of toddlerhood times two.