19:36 - wanted to add il's probably call me the B$@&#!!! my son/brother married.

I've been married 20 years. When we were first married, I called MIL 'Joan' shortly after she said to DH not to call her that, that she wanted me to call her mom. (No MIL waws divorced and FIL was not involved in DH's life.) Sorry - but she wasn't my mom and I did not feel at all close to her that I wanted to call her that. Two years into our marriage, the DRAMA on DH's side of the family was too much. I was considering divorce. I decided to have nothing to do with my il's. Holidays were spent with my family or with friends.

After 8 years of marriage I tried to participate with il's again. The attempt to control us was beyond any benefit of being around them and we moved 2500 miles away.

SO, il's don't call me anything...

Since "in-law" has such a negative connotation, maybe they are just trying to avoid that?

Anonymous wrote:"her" or "she". I guess I should be grateful it isn't worse. My in laws have never addressed me by name - just "you". Occasionally I am referred to as "that one" when I've done something they like. Also, when they are talking to my children I get to be "your mother". I knew when we got married it would be that way, I am not the same race or religion and I think they secretly hope the marriage will fail, although after 17 years, their hope must be wearing a little thin.

I'm not sure how my in-laws refer to me, as I don't understand the fine points and complex familial terms of their language. I do know that even after almost 20 years, they're still trying to fix my partner up with someone from their culture, and I'm seen as that American, as if I were not fully human, and totally disposable, even to my children and to him. I've always been a sweetheart with them, and brush off every insult with a pleasant smile, but inside, their level of bigotry and superiority disgusts me.

Sounds like a European thing, maybe. My in-laws and husband all refer to people in third person. As in "this is your son," or (when talking about his sister) "have you spoken with your daughter today?" I think it is weird and affected, but seems what the German parents think is normal.

Among many cultures, there are specific names for each relationship. So, I am lucky that I belong to one of those cultures.

So my DH's younger siblings will call me " (My Name) Elder Brother's Wife"

My MIL and FIL call me by by name but introduce me as their DIL.

My MIL introduces me as "Our eldest daughter-in-law". I really like that. I am that to her.

My MIL in law introduces me and my wife as "my girls" to people. As in, "these are my girls." She is a kind person, and means to include me as her daughter, but it comes out seeming like she's trying to hide that fact that I'm her GAY daughter's GAY wife.

I don't mind, because I know she doesn't feel that way, but it's funny to watch people try to work it out in their brains after she's said it.

Can't win for losing.

MIL/FIL call me all sorts of things, including by name or DH's wife. They adore him, so probably they see it as a compliment. BIL by name, then may throw in connection if folks don't get it. SIL avoids referring to me at all. In fact, has basically instructed her DCs to call her brother 'Uncle Y" but me by first name only.

to 20:32 -- i am the post before you! i sympathize. it is really sad, isn't it. it does make me feel bad. but it makes me thankful for other things. (i'm glad i don't have cancer, etc etc).

"her" or "she". I guess I should be grateful it isn't worse. My in laws have never addressed me by name - just "you". Occasionally I am referred to as "that one" when I've done something they like. Also, when they are talking to my children I get to be "your mother". I knew when we got married it would be that way, I am not the same race or religion and I think they secretly hope the marriage will fail, although after 17 years, their hope must be wearing a little thin.

get this -- my MIL spent the first 10 YEARS identifying me, to my face and to the rest of the world as "xxx" (the ACTUAL NAME of my husbands ex-wife! i did not break them up. i came after. also, the ex-wife was (and still is) very mean to him. (pathologically manipulative, overly dramatic constantly, abusively judgemental and harsh, etc). she said it was habit and didn't mean it. whatever. my SILs admit that she never liked me but that i had nothing to do with it. she was mad at my husband for divorcing, but took it out on me, etc. she spent the next 10 years identifying me as his "lady" or "lady friend", like i was a stripper or something. i'm cute, but not cute enough to be a stripper. now she doesn't identify me at all. she's old and prefers to ignore my existence. i've never ever been mean or rude. but i can't win because it's easier on her to blame me for her perfect son's divorce than him. (but he would have been an idiot victim to NOT get divorced). i just try to stay off the radar and be polite. at this point, my kids are old enough that they even say "grandma is mean to mom!" they kind of joke about it. not what i ever expected as a MIL relationship, but i'm thankful for the rest of my life!