Anonymous wrote:I have a great relationship with my ex SIL, much to my brother's chagrin. My parents still treat her as the SIL, as the mother of the children. The new SIL does not like it, tough.

Of course she wouldn't like it. Unless you're Mormon, you can only have 1 SIL. Your brother's ex wife is your ex SIL.

I have a great relationship with my ex SIL, much to my brother's chagrin. My parents still treat her as the SIL, as the mother of the children. The new SIL does not like it, tough.

This is the OP. Thanks to all of you for your perspectives and sharing what has worked. There was some good advice here. Just to be clear, as I said in my original post, I fully expect my ILs to fully support my husband. But I think he and I have hopes that we can be amicable about this, so here's hoping that extends to both our families.

I think it likely depends on the realities and the perceptions of the break-up. My mom remained great friends with her ex-ILs (my grandparents) for their entire lives (30+ years), but everyone was well aware that my dad broke up the marriage and was a general tool at the time. If he had been a good guy, or if people had thought of him as a good guy, I'm not sure how it would work, but I hope it does work out for you.

My ex-SIL is still my SIL and the mother of my nieces and the aunt of my children despite having divorced my brother about 10 years ago. She is remarried and he is getting married to a long-time girlfriend this year (they both had children from previous marriages and both wanted to wait until all of the kids were out of high school and on to college before getting married). My nieces consider themselves very lucky to have two sets of loving and devoted parents who don't fight. My brother and ex-SIL divorced due to money incompatibility and they found that they got along much better when they weren't married and fighting over money. Because of this, they maintain an excellent relationship between them. They live about 25 minutes apart and the girls went back and forth between the two houses a lot. And both sets of parents spend most of the holidays together and see each other regularly, so it's very amicable. I think what sets the tone of the relationship of any ex-IL situation is how the divorcing couple gets along and what rules they set on the relationship. The better your relationship with your ex, the better your relationship with his family will be. Always remember that while they love you as the mother of their grandchildren/nieces/nephews and former partner to their family member, they love your ex as their son/brother. If you treat your ex- well, they will usually treat you well.

We divorced amicably a couple years ago. When we told our families that we were separating, everyone's families communicated with everyone. When his dad came to visit shortly after I moved out, we had lunch without my ex. We'd always been close and he just wanted to make sure that I was doing okay, wasn't losing my marbles, etc. Before the divorce, I sent "dear extended family" emails to my parents, his parents, my siblings and his siblings. I still do that, and I still call it "dear extended family" because they ARE my extended family. I had breakfast with his dad a couple weeks ago, and it was quite lovely. During that conversation, I mentioned that I would be in his city for work later this spring and he invited me to stay at his house. I don't know that I will do that (as I don't know if my ex would be comfortable with that and also my fiance is accompanying me on that trip and I don't know if ex OR exFIL will be comfortable with that), but certainly we do not have an acrimonious relationship.

When and if my ex remarries, I don't know that it will change much. We are friends and co-parents. I suspect that any woman who would not be okay with his dad inviting me out for breakfast or lunch when he's in town would also not be okay with my ex and I having the friendship we have, and such a woman would not get a ring from him in the first place.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're being unrealistic and putting them in a difficult position. They're not going up be friends with you, they're going to side with their son/brother. They doesn't mean they stop seeing the kids.

This

I don't know...I'll share what's happened in my family.

Five years ago, BIL initiated a fairly amicable divorce to SIL. Two young children.

XMIL and XDIL do everything together; drop by each other's houses, call, email, Facebook friends. SIL purposely relocated nearer MIL so that MIL could help with grand kids more often and more conveniently. XMIL and her XDIL are closer now than when XDIL was married to her son.

Yet, MIL and XDIL are so close that it blurs the boundaries, especially for her son. He's dated a number of women who quickly break things off when they realize how very close and actively involved the MIL and XSIL are. XSIL has moved on, too - in a live in relationship.

So, XDIL has new, nice cushy life with available babysitting and support, but her X (who is a total wimp) is hindered from moving forward because of his XW omnipresence. MIL invites X to big family functions w/o advising her own son, etc. weird.

So, yes, you can remain close, but establish some boundaries.

Anonymous wrote:You're being unrealistic and putting them in a difficult position. They're not going up be friends with you, they're going to side with their son/brother. They doesn't mean they stop seeing the kids.

This

It may work until he remarries, his new wife is not going to like it.

Anonymous wrote:I am fortunate to have a good relationship with my ex-inlaws, though contact is dictated (rightfully, I think) through my ex. In part it's because my ex and I are civil, but I'm also the mother of their grandchild.

My ex MIL passed away recently, and I was very torn up about it. I attended the funeral. She still had a picture of me in her bedroom. I miss her dearly.

This is right on. I've had several friends divorce and have the knee-jerk reaction to "reach out" to the ILs pretending to be the "better parent" when it's clearly just to be plain spiteful and mean to their ex. It's a strong runner up to immediately dating, IMO. Healthy families don't respond to this kind of overture.