Anonymous
01/30/2014 21:25
Subject: Re:If you are a woman and don't have sex with your husband often (not explicit)
1) his hygiene could be better and, unlike me, he has gained weight after kids and doesn't work out. I am desperate to work out more than I do, but I rarely have a free morning or night so squeeze it in when I can.
2) he makes no effort to seduce. his 'foreplay' is reaching over and sticking his hand under my shirt in bed, no mental seduction, no romance, no playfulness, no massages, no exploration of my (rather nice) body. the last time we had sex 'foreplay' was under 2 minutes and then he was sticking it in.
3) he is a rather boring, vanilla lover. he has shot down or never acted on any of my requests/fantasies, so sex is basically missionary with lights off. I have, or used to have, a more experimental streak, but have gotten rejected or ignored so many times that i feel too alone about this to act on it any more.
4) he is a great dad, but not an equal partner in other ways. I pull the weight, run the house, make the decisions, execute the tasks, take care of dinner, bills, plans, cleaning, kids, etc. At least he could fucking take charge in bed--that is what I've asked. Take charge, take me, be a man! seduce me, thrill me, run your hands down my back, whisper how much you'd love to do XYZ to me. But don't just roll over and stick a cold hand under my shirt and wonder if that's going to work and wonder why I am stifling a yawn.
5) all that being said, I do not turn DH down, because I am not interested in making things worse and want to maintain our marriage/family/household. I just don't initiate and feel that my sexual side is hibernation. I wonder if when our kids get older we can deal with it, or I leave, or take a lover, or open the marriage...I don't know. for the moment, I just put it aside.
Here's the thing that really gets me. We are generally a compatible cople, with our issues. DH seems to find me attractive, and I love sex. It would not be that hard for us to have banging hot sex! I would like DH to occasionally make an effort--cook dinner maybe once every couple weeks, run once or twice a week, brush his goddam teeth, and then take charge---whisper to me that he wants to do me six ways until sunday...and then do it!
2) he makes no effort to seduce. his 'foreplay' is reaching over and sticking his hand under my shirt in bed, no mental seduction, no romance, no playfulness, no massages, no exploration of my (rather nice) body. the last time we had sex 'foreplay' was under 2 minutes and then he was sticking it in.
3) he is a rather boring, vanilla lover. he has shot down or never acted on any of my requests/fantasies, so sex is basically missionary with lights off. I have, or used to have, a more experimental streak, but have gotten rejected or ignored so many times that i feel too alone about this to act on it any more.
4) he is a great dad, but not an equal partner in other ways. I pull the weight, run the house, make the decisions, execute the tasks, take care of dinner, bills, plans, cleaning, kids, etc. At least he could fucking take charge in bed--that is what I've asked. Take charge, take me, be a man! seduce me, thrill me, run your hands down my back, whisper how much you'd love to do XYZ to me. But don't just roll over and stick a cold hand under my shirt and wonder if that's going to work and wonder why I am stifling a yawn.
5) all that being said, I do not turn DH down, because I am not interested in making things worse and want to maintain our marriage/family/household. I just don't initiate and feel that my sexual side is hibernation. I wonder if when our kids get older we can deal with it, or I leave, or take a lover, or open the marriage...I don't know. for the moment, I just put it aside.
Here's the thing that really gets me. We are generally a compatible cople, with our issues. DH seems to find me attractive, and I love sex. It would not be that hard for us to have banging hot sex! I would like DH to occasionally make an effort--cook dinner maybe once every couple weeks, run once or twice a week, brush his goddam teeth, and then take charge---whisper to me that he wants to do me six ways until sunday...and then do it!
Anonymous
01/30/2014 21:05
Subject: Re:If you are a woman and don't have sex with your husband often (not explicit)
Anonymous wrote:I have read the post on this thread and based on the descriptions I can appreciate why some DW will not have sex with their DH.. But if there is nothing wrong with your DH and you will not have sex with him.. Why not just let him go?
Sex with my DW started out bad and got worse after each child was born. Now we have had no sex or any form of intimacy for over 8 years. We have had talks and I have pointed out that she does not even hug me, but she walks away from the conversation. She will not go to counseling.
I am in shape and I do more than my fair share around the house. I have a job that allows me to make a high salary while still being flexible to be home to help with the family when needed.
I basically feel like I have been putting in a lot more than I have been getting in return from my marriage.. For at least 10 of our 20 year marriage. I use to think that I would wait till my youngest was in college and get a divorce. But now I am thinking of doing it sooner.
I am done with her as a spouse, but I need to still be friendly with her because I need to have a good co-parenting relationship with her..
PP, this sounds like an awful situation, and I'm one of the PP wives who doesn't often have sex.
I don't understand what the bolded sentence means. Are you waiting for her to say to you "Please leave me?" Have you asked for a divorce or told her that you are moving out? The way you phrase this makes it sound like she has all the power and you can't make a decision.
I'm definitely not advocating ending a marriage, but I'm not sure what it is you are looking for her to do.
Anonymous
01/29/2014 08:04
Subject: Re:If you are a woman and don't have sex with your husband often (not explicit)
I have read the post on this thread and based on the descriptions I can appreciate why some DW will not have sex with their DH.. But if there is nothing wrong with your DH and you will not have sex with him.. Why not just let him go?
Sex with my DW started out bad and got worse after each child was born. Now we have had no sex or any form of intimacy for over 8 years. We have had talks and I have pointed out that she does not even hug me, but she walks away from the conversation. She will not go to counseling.
I am in shape and I do more than my fair share around the house. I have a job that allows me to make a high salary while still being flexible to be home to help with the family when needed.
I basically feel like I have been putting in a lot more than I have been getting in return from my marriage.. For at least 10 of our 20 year marriage. I use to think that I would wait till my youngest was in college and get a divorce. But now I am thinking of doing it sooner.
I am done with her as a spouse, but I need to still be friendly with her because I need to have a good co-parenting relationship with her.
.
Sex with my DW started out bad and got worse after each child was born. Now we have had no sex or any form of intimacy for over 8 years. We have had talks and I have pointed out that she does not even hug me, but she walks away from the conversation. She will not go to counseling.
I am in shape and I do more than my fair share around the house. I have a job that allows me to make a high salary while still being flexible to be home to help with the family when needed.
I basically feel like I have been putting in a lot more than I have been getting in return from my marriage.. For at least 10 of our 20 year marriage. I use to think that I would wait till my youngest was in college and get a divorce. But now I am thinking of doing it sooner.
I am done with her as a spouse, but I need to still be friendly with her because I need to have a good co-parenting relationship with her.
.
Anonymous
01/29/2014 07:49
Subject: If you are a woman and don't have sex with your husband often (not explicit)
I am 38, he is 44 and we've been married 15 years.
He's gained a lot of weight, his stomach is enormous and it's a huge turn off. He wears old underwear and t shirts with holes in it. He wears cargo pants with cowboy boots. It's just not attractive at all.
He's intentionally destroyed his career. I don't want to get too specific but basically he has repeatedly pissed off various bosses/supervisors under the pretense of "protecting the little guy" (employees under him) which might seem admirable that he is looking out for others, but these "little guys" end up fine and Dh kills his career. He will have no job in 2 months because of this.
I am the man in the relationship, or at least I feel like it. *I pay the bills--he has no understanding of what we take in/what we pay out. If anything were to happen to me, the electricity would get shut off and our house would go into foreclosure because he literally has no idea how to pay those bills.
*He never takes me out on dates. If we go anywhere, it's because I've suggested it, I have to remind him to go the ATM or to use a credit card to pay, etc.
It's just not worth the effort. Sex with him isn't good. Since this is non explicit, I won't go into details--but size and grooming issues here.
We don't use birth control for religious reasons. I am VERY fertile and he has always been VERY angry whenever I've gotten pregnant, telling me it's my fault. With 4 kids, I've never once had that happy, excited "we're having a baby!" moment that you see on tv/movies. I've only been screamed at. Why should I have sex that is not enjoyable when I'm going to be "punished" for it a few weeks later?
Anonymous
01/29/2014 06:49
Subject: If you are a woman and don't have sex with your husband often (not explicit)
I have zero libido and the docs I've talked to are nit helpful, refuse to do hormone testing, etc.
My husband has let himself go. The extra 90+ pounds aren't helping to boost my libido.
He's no longer romantic at all. Affectionate yes, but not romantic. He hasn't planned a date, bought me flowers, commented in how I look without being asked, and I guarantee you he won't plan anything for Valentine's day. I usually don't care, but it's a Friday this year so it's perfect timing, and we have a ton of cheap babysitting options within our family.
I have a demanding job with lots of evening events and travel, and I do more around the house than he does. He does a lot, but to get him to split it equitably means nagging and putting up with his bitching. It's not worth it.
I truly love my husband but there it is. I'd like it to be different but my low libido means that I just don't care about the lack of sex all that much. I know he does, but I can't fake it and I won't be pressured to have sex just to please him.
My husband has let himself go. The extra 90+ pounds aren't helping to boost my libido.
He's no longer romantic at all. Affectionate yes, but not romantic. He hasn't planned a date, bought me flowers, commented in how I look without being asked, and I guarantee you he won't plan anything for Valentine's day. I usually don't care, but it's a Friday this year so it's perfect timing, and we have a ton of cheap babysitting options within our family.
I have a demanding job with lots of evening events and travel, and I do more around the house than he does. He does a lot, but to get him to split it equitably means nagging and putting up with his bitching. It's not worth it.
I truly love my husband but there it is. I'd like it to be different but my low libido means that I just don't care about the lack of sex all that much. I know he does, but I can't fake it and I won't be pressured to have sex just to please him.
Anonymous
01/29/2014 05:45
Subject: If you are a woman and don't have sex with your husband often (not explicit)
After the birth of our second child my DH really let himself go. Weight gain...sloppy clothes. I had ZERO sex interest in having his big belly hanging over me at night. I could barely bring myself to do it.
I told him that I was not attracted to what he became. His eating habits disgusted me, lack of exercise and resulting appearance was not doingit for me. It also made me feel that he did not give a crap about pleasing me. I has no sympathy for his condition since I had the babies and worked hard to get my body back.
Luckily my DH took it seriously. He lost 50lbs, ran a marathon, and is now focusing on pumping weights. Our sex life is back up to 2-3xs a week which is a huge improvement.
I told him that I was not attracted to what he became. His eating habits disgusted me, lack of exercise and resulting appearance was not doingit for me. It also made me feel that he did not give a crap about pleasing me. I has no sympathy for his condition since I had the babies and worked hard to get my body back.
Luckily my DH took it seriously. He lost 50lbs, ran a marathon, and is now focusing on pumping weights. Our sex life is back up to 2-3xs a week which is a huge improvement.
Anonymous
01/29/2014 00:02
Subject: Re:If you are a woman and don't have sex with your husband often (not explicit)
Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of reasons I don't have sex with him. Here are several:
1. when we met, he had rock hard abs & worked out 3-4 times a week. he flossed. he's let himself go physically, gained significant weight & i'm not physically attracted to him anymore.
2. he used to have really good manners. I was very open about being a bit prudish and not finding any sort of toilet humor funny and he respected that when we were dating. Now he'll turn the music down in the car or mute the tv when he farts, he'll scratch and adjust his balls and ass in front of me, will say things like "That log was bigger than the Titanic!" when he exits the bathroom. he belches loudly.
3. he's taken to picking his nose. he doesn't always brush his teeth and I don't think he flosses at all anymore.
4. I'm exhausted. I am "on" from 6am to 10pm or later to get everything done. If the other things weren't an issue I'd rally, but ...
5. I'm angry at him. He never does ANY housework unless other people will clap for him. Which means that if I want him to do anything I need to have company over. Then he'll loudly announce "Sorry to step away; the wife is begging me to empty the trash." He'll tell the kids he's too tired to play after I manage to talk him into putting away the leftovers after dinner or something.
6. He used to be so complimentary and protective in public of me. That's changed. In December we were out with two other couples for dinner, and I got a phone call that my aunt who was like a second mother to me had died unexpectedly. I knew I was going to cry as I apologized to the table for leaving for having taken a call, and again excused myself to the restroom. As I walked away DH told everyone I must be on the rag. He says things like this ALL THE TIME. And ANY time I get upset he asks if I have my period, as if my negative feelings are invalid. Once, just for shits and giggles, I tracked each time he said it and then asked him "Do you realize if I really DID have my period each time you asked that I'd have had my period for 84 straight days?"
7. He brags about "babysitting" the kids. If I leave them all in the den while I go take a shower he will immediately start calling people to announce his babysitting status, post about it on FB, etc. This is after we had lots of talks about equal parenting pre-kids, and what that meant. We have three girls, and almost any time they ask him for anything he will redirect them to me claiming it's a "woman's job" as if real men can't do pigtails or tie shoelaces or put a broken toy back together. I am terrified my girls will grow up thinking this is what marriage should be like and will seek out a man like him.
If he'd stayed the man I got engaged to, I'd be giving it up a few times a week for sure. But I hate this man, and don't even want to hold his hand let alone be naked in front of him.
To each their own. I worked on improving myself. Sex has been on the decline. I can't believe it. I don't regret being a better man that I was a few years ago, not that I was ever in terrible form. Nevertheless, I feel that people should always strive to be better. I did that. Lo and behold, wife seems to be less and less interested in sex. It sucks. I hate it. I don't know why. Just a tid bit. When we were first dating I was fairly fit, but no six pack abs. Now I do. Imagine that. I am also a gourmet chef at home as a hobby I picked up, so now wife no longer has to cook. It just goes to show that after a while, it can happen that women loses interest. I do wonder if she is just disinterested in me personally. but seriously, I tried to be the opposite of what you posted. No avail. Sometimes, life sucks.
Anonymous
01/28/2014 23:51
Subject: If you are a woman and don't have sex with your husband often (not explicit)
Because he's so fat.
Anonymous
01/28/2014 22:00
Subject: If you are a woman and don't have sex with your husband often (not explicit)
Sounds like some of you could use this: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Sex-101
Anonymous
01/28/2014 21:47
Subject: If you are a woman and don't have sex with your husband often (not explicit)
He doesn't take great care of himself. He hasn't been to the dentist in over 10 years and I don't like kissing him anymore. All I can think about is bacteria. Sorry.
Anonymous
01/28/2014 21:36
Subject: Re:If you are a woman and don't have sex with your husband often (not explicit)
Anonymous wrote:Two reasons.
1. I hate my body right now. 3yr post-baby and I'm horribly out of shape and very very self conscious about my size 12 body.
2. He isn't high touch except when he wants sex. I've tried to tell him that I'd appreciate the every day types of hug, kiss, caress for no reason as that generally makes me feel treasured and attractive. Even pre-baby this wasn't him. now that I'm more self conscious, I feel like I need more than ever to know that I am attractive to him not just when he really wants sex.
I love him. He's handsome and in shape but our sex life is a mess.
I'm with you on #2, and I've told DH this over and over again. I can always tell when he wants to have sex because he's suddenly very physically affectionate. It doesn't feel genuine--it feels like I'm back in college and some guy at the bar is trying to get me to go home with him.
I also SAH, and my kids are young and all over me all day. I have someone hanging on me most of the day. Once they're in bed, I just want to be alone and have my body to myself. I'm also pregnant, so that magnifies the feeling of just wanting my body to myself for a few hours. I'm trying to make sure we have sex once a week, but some times it's a struggle and I know DH wishes I would initiate things once in awhile.
Anonymous
01/28/2014 21:15
Subject: Re:If you are a woman and don't have sex with your husband often (not explicit)
Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of reasons I don't have sex with him. Here are several:
1. when we met, he had rock hard abs & worked out 3-4 times a week. he flossed. he's let himself go physically, gained significant weight & i'm not physically attracted to him anymore.
2. he used to have really good manners. I was very open about being a bit prudish and not finding any sort of toilet humor funny and he respected that when we were dating. Now he'll turn the music down in the car or mute the tv when he farts, he'll scratch and adjust his balls and ass in front of me, will say things like "That log was bigger than the Titanic!" when he exits the bathroom. he belches loudly.
3. he's taken to picking his nose. he doesn't always brush his teeth and I don't think he flosses at all anymore.
4. I'm exhausted. I am "on" from 6am to 10pm or later to get everything done. If the other things weren't an issue I'd rally, but ...
5. I'm angry at him. He never does ANY housework unless other people will clap for him. Which means that if I want him to do anything I need to have company over. Then he'll loudly announce "Sorry to step away; the wife is begging me to empty the trash." He'll tell the kids he's too tired to play after I manage to talk him into putting away the leftovers after dinner or something.
6. He used to be so complimentary and protective in public of me. That's changed. In December we were out with two other couples for dinner, and I got a phone call that my aunt who was like a second mother to me had died unexpectedly. I knew I was going to cry as I apologized to the table for leaving for having taken a call, and again excused myself to the restroom. As I walked away DH told everyone I must be on the rag. He says things like this ALL THE TIME. And ANY time I get upset he asks if I have my period, as if my negative feelings are invalid. Once, just for shits and giggles, I tracked each time he said it and then asked him "Do you realize if I really DID have my period each time you asked that I'd have had my period for 84 straight days?"
7. He brags about "babysitting" the kids. If I leave them all in the den while I go take a shower he will immediately start calling people to announce his babysitting status, post about it on FB, etc. This is after we had lots of talks about equal parenting pre-kids, and what that meant. We have three girls, and almost any time they ask him for anything he will redirect them to me claiming it's a "woman's job" as if real men can't do pigtails or tie shoelaces or put a broken toy back together. I am terrified my girls will grow up thinking this is what marriage should be like and will seek out a man like him.
If he'd stayed the man I got engaged to, I'd be giving it up a few times a week for sure. But I hate this man, and don't even want to hold his hand let alone be naked in front of him.
sorry
Anonymous
01/28/2014 21:04
Subject: If you are a woman and don't have sex with your husband often (not explicit)
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Re: the touching.
My wife would probably tell you I'm not a big toucher except in relation to sex. But, in my case, that's her perception just not matching up with reality. I touch her more often in a nonsexual manner when sex is completely off the table. But, she really only seems to register the touch - in a negative manner - when they are associated with sex. So, in her mind, the only time I ever touch her is for sex.
When I'm feeling neglected, I'll bet she could point to a million ways that she shows her love that I just don't pick up on.
Do you hold her hand when you are walking through a parking lot?
Absolutely. Plenty of hugs and foot massages, too.
Anonymous
01/28/2014 20:02
Subject: If you are a woman and don't have sex with your husband often (not explicit)
Anonymous wrote:Re: the touching.
My wife would probably tell you I'm not a big toucher except in relation to sex. But, in my case, that's her perception just not matching up with reality. I touch her more often in a nonsexual manner when sex is completely off the table. But, she really only seems to register the touch - in a negative manner - when they are associated with sex. So, in her mind, the only time I ever touch her is for sex.
When I'm feeling neglected, I'll bet she could point to a million ways that she shows her love that I just don't pick up on.
Do you hold her hand when you are walking through a parking lot?
Anonymous
01/28/2014 19:58
Subject: If you are a woman and don't have sex with your husband often (not explicit)
Re: the touching.
My wife would probably tell you I'm not a big toucher except in relation to sex. But, in my case, that's her perception just not matching up with reality. I touch her more often in a nonsexual manner when sex is completely off the table. But, she really only seems to register the touch - in a negative manner - when they are associated with sex. So, in her mind, the only time I ever touch her is for sex.
When I'm feeling neglected, I'll bet she could point to a million ways that she shows her love that I just don't pick up on.
My wife would probably tell you I'm not a big toucher except in relation to sex. But, in my case, that's her perception just not matching up with reality. I touch her more often in a nonsexual manner when sex is completely off the table. But, she really only seems to register the touch - in a negative manner - when they are associated with sex. So, in her mind, the only time I ever touch her is for sex.
When I'm feeling neglected, I'll bet she could point to a million ways that she shows her love that I just don't pick up on.