OP again. I felt I should mention, MIL changes her destination, so it is not as if the vacation is in one house or place that means anything to them. If it did, wouldn't they go to the same place every year? I am just thinking that maybe they need someplace they can better afford, to live within their means, since they refuse any help from us.

Anonymous wrote:Suck it up; you sound like a snob. Many families cram into a too small house for vacations. You are not being very gracious. If most of your friends have vacation homes; why is it that you are so strapped you cannot afford an additional vacation?

OP here. We have a vacation home, I did not want/intend to sound like a snob by announcing it. I guess one can not care too much what others think. The vacation home is the same distance and seemingly bigger (in space usage and layout, perhaps not actual square footage) with more amenities. I have always offered it sincerely, along with listings for the area (cheaper) if they did not want to stay with us for any reason, they did not have to feel obligated. Though everyone that stays with us returns, happily (for both sides). It is an all around more positive and pleasant vacation experience - less depressing, in many ways. It has (truly) world class golfing in the actual neighborhood, and that is what MIL enjoys, for example. Not many things get MIL excited or enthusiastic, in fact, I can't think of anything at all. You can walk to everything - safely. For obvious reasons, I will not say where. (It can not be Googled as such. Our choice was deliberate, after too many so called "vacations" where sheeple tend to go.) We like to be around positive.

Most of the grandchildren are grown, so they refuse to sleep together. There are other issues that have been mentioned. MIL refuses to allocate fairly, which is the real issue. DH is thinking he might not go this year, so I am wondering what got into him, as we only discuss it when we are there.

For those who insist on trying to antagonize, we take our own vacations our own way and there are a huge range of accommodations. We are in no way travel snobs who have to have the best of anything, and have clearly been good with money, as they say. Again, I guess one can not care too much what others say or think.

Perhaps MIL is on this board?

Suck it up; you sound like a snob. Many families cram into a too small house for vacations. You are not being very gracious. If most of your friends have vacation homes; why is it that you are so strapped you cannot afford an additional vacation?

Anonymous wrote:In other words, no way in hell MIL really wants us there if she keeps insisting on reserving a house that is too small, right?

P.S. We don't really spend much time together, MIL is "too busy" to see her grandchildren, so it is not that she has anything to remark upon. I do my best to stay out of it, but have offered my opinion to DH when asked. MIL's opinion is/was not respected, for various reasons.

I've learned long ago not to try to guess other people's motives. Since there were other invited guests that ended up in the hallway, and technically if you could get there early you could get a decent size room, who knows what motivates MIL to play a game of musical chairs at the beach house where there are clearly not enough beds for the number of people.

Good Luck.

OP here. I should have taken bets! Last year, it was 6 BR when 10 were needed. This year, it is 7 when 10 are needed. I asked DH to insist on pitching in for a bigger house. How many of us here think: 1.) DH will not step up to the plate and spell out the obvious and 2.) Nothing will be done about it. If you disagree, and I am wrong, I owe you ten bucks. Hell, make it an even million, and we'll call it another day in my world.

When our friends and our family vacation together, we rent houses near each other (actually most of us have our own vacation homes, so it is a non issue); and it is done. Is this too easy to comprehend? It's obvious to most people, right?

In other words, no way in hell MIL really wants us there if she keeps insisting on reserving a house that is too small, right?

P.S. We don't really spend much time together, MIL is "too busy" to see her grandchildren, so it is not that she has anything to remark upon. I do my best to stay out of it, but have offered my opinion to DH when asked. MIL's opinion is/was not respected, for various reasons.

I think she just confirmed the hotel idea.....that's certainly something she can tell all her friends.....with her propensity to sh*t stir over nothing......

I have never seen this, so clearly I am baffled!

A "host" does not invite people to a beach house and make them sleep in the hallway! Wow....

I would not care how late it is, I would be gone that night.

And the spoiled teens with rooms to themselves???? Who allows this? No one has the nerve to speak up?

Just make it stop OP - tell husband he can't keep doing this to himself and subjecting his kids to this. If he insists on going, he can go alone. Talk about glutton for punishment.

Anonymous wrote:It's not clear to me if MIL is inviting you and you stay for free or everyone is paying for the vacation home. If you are there as a guest of your MIL, I think it is tough to advocate for the bigger room. To some extent it is either first come, first serve or looking for the host to make a logistical/somewhat equitable decision on where the guests stay.

As someone mentioned you can shorten your time I.e. 3 days instead of a week, stay someplace else the whole time, stay someplace else part of the time ...maybe on the back end so if there isn't enough space by day 2 you can stay at the hotel, don't go every year...

If you are feeling bold you can mention how thankful you are that MIL has been inviting your family but now that the kids are growing up you all can't fit in the small room so you are going to get a hotel nearby this year and stop by the house in the morning. Unless MIL offers to change the sleeping arrangements, what can she say? Not to say she hasn't realized this is happening but how can she insist you stay at the house with a straight face knowing people will be sleeping in the hallway and it isn't a case of everyone sleeping in the hallways/floors.

I like this, OP!

FWIW, MIL pays. She will not take money from anyone, we have tried. She is "proud" to do it. Is that the right word?

MIL is the "host", and insists on being the host, but she refuses to count how many are actually in the family? Who does this?

We know people with beach houses that are nicer and closer, so we have every reason not to go. DH somehow feels compelled to hang onto he abuse??? Like an enabler??? I am at a loss, since he will not work with therapists. His family refuses to talk about or acknowledge the elephants (plural) in the room. You simply do NOT discuss or acknowledge the obvious issues in DH's family. It is NOT done. My family is the opposite, so to sit back and watch the BS is pretty unbelievable.

The guests leave after one night (they don't realize until bedtime that they are sleeping in the hallway), so you would THINK most people would take the hint. I think that is part of MIL's MO, and always has been: "If we don't acknowledge what everyone sees, it must not exist"??!! Yeah, right - keep telling yourself that!

It's not clear to me if MIL is inviting you and you stay for free or everyone is paying for the vacation home. If you are there as a guest of your MIL, I think it is tough to advocate for the bigger room. To some extent it is either first come, first serve or looking for the host to make a logistical/somewhat equitable decision on where the guests stay.

As someone mentioned you can shorten your time I.e. 3 days instead of a week, stay someplace else the whole time, stay someplace else part of the time ...maybe on the back end so if there isn't enough space by day 2 you can stay at the hotel, don't go every year...

If you are feeling bold you can mention how thankful you are that MIL has been inviting your family but now that the kids are growing up you all can't fit in the small room so you are going to get a hotel nearby this year and stop by the house in the morning. Unless MIL offers to change the sleeping arrangements, what can she say? Not to say she hasn't realized this is happening but how can she insist you stay at the house with a straight face knowing people will be sleeping in the hallway and it isn't a case of everyone sleeping in the hallways/floors.

In terms of hotel options, I would just book the nearest AirBnB place to your in-laws and not leave it up for discussion. AirBnB has postings pretty much everywhere - we've never been more than 5-10 minutes away from the rest of the group. Cheaper and roomier than a hotel - win win for everyone.

If your husband protests and wonders what to say to his family, tell him you'll take care of it. When your SIL tries to show you to the closet room, just say you've arranged for your family to stay some where with enough space and you'll be back first thing in the morning. If she has any snarky comments to make, just say "Sorry to hear you're upset but this is what works for us" and keep the convo moving - what time is breakfast?

My husband doesn't have the greatest time visiting my family, so sometimes I go without him. When we're all there for at least a week or more, DH & I go out of town for a day or two to get our own time and feel like at least some of the vacay is actually relaxing for him.

I enjoy some of the time with my ILs but not all, but visits are so infrequent (they're on the other side of the world) that I can't just not go and I wouldn't want to leave my kids there without me due to safety concerns. We do a lot of family activities but try to get out of my IL's house as much as possible where there are fewer power struggles, less smoking and drinking, etc. We also do a few mini-trips within the visit so we can get a little vacation time to ourselves. I guess that's our common tactic when visiting either side of the family - we build in little breaks for ourselves so it's not just 7-10 days straight of being cooped up with the same people.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have tried to get DH the help he needs, he just gets worse with age, and his abusive family depends on that. Its like he is tap dancing for them, hard to describe.

I have given up caring about the repercussions to him (frankly), but for our kids? There is no reason at all they should be subjected to it, and the SIL's DC CERTAINLY were not subjected to it. Most of the teenage grandchildren have their own separate (!!!) rooms, when they instead should be sharing (by gender, of course).

One BIL always ends up on the couch - and he travels extensively to get there. I would be fuming!

And the SIL who has delusions of grandeur needs to get with the program, especially.

I don't think DH would agree to staying somewhere else, so I think it is best for me to stay behind than put myself through that torture. If I do, what do I do with a week to myself? I've never had that before.

I feel grimy and cramped just thinking about it!

A week by yourself with the kids, right? I wouldn't send them with DH to be subjected to that alone.

OP here. I have tried to get DH the help he needs, he just gets worse with age, and his abusive family depends on that. Its like he is tap dancing for them, hard to describe.

I have given up caring about the repercussions to him (frankly), but for our kids? There is no reason at all they should be subjected to it, and the SIL's DC CERTAINLY were not subjected to it. Most of the teenage grandchildren have their own separate (!!!) rooms, when they instead should be sharing (by gender, of course).

One BIL always ends up on the couch - and he travels extensively to get there. I would be fuming!

And the SIL who has delusions of grandeur needs to get with the program, especially.

I don't think DH would agree to staying somewhere else, so I think it is best for me to stay behind than put myself through that torture. If I do, what do I do with a week to myself? I've never had that before.

I feel grimy and cramped just thinking about it!

Sounds like you are renting a large beach house, is that correct? When I was a kid, our extended family would rent a large beach house, all th adults got rooms, and kids slept in cots in the hall or even on the large screened in porch. Now that I think about it, seems kind of weird but at the time wasn't an issue for us kids. Would a set up of kids together, adults together work?

Or could you take charge of renting the house, you get to pick it so you can find one large enough. Then that would mean you get the keys and get to pick the rooms.

Shorten your stay - the most fun is usually the first 24hrs after arrival anyway. How about staying only 2nits, 3 max.

Have your family stay somewhere else. And pay for it yourself. Don't make a big deal out-of-it or ask extended family to weigh-in.

Husband can always go alone.

Go as usual, but factor in a lot for time alone for yourself.