Anonymous
01/27/2014 23:34
Subject: Disappointed in your parents as grandparents?
I just want to thank op and most of the other commentators (other than the weird petulant child one) for this. I am going through the same with both my parents and my inlaws. It's very hurtful and sad to go through this, and frankly, a bit embarrassing too.
We are about to have a second child and neither my parents nor my inlaws are going to visit. My parents told me flat out they don't like to travel (they live 2.5 hours away) and they need a full night sleep (no newborn wake ups), and my inlaws told me since we saw them at Christmas they don't want to spend money on another ticket (they live on the west coast). They also do similar stuff as the other commentators have outlined (don't call, rarely or never visit, don't contact my child on important days, etc).
I do think it's because they are selfish boomers, and also it's how they are. Neither of them were particularly good parents either. We aren't surprised, just disappointed.
Thank you for making me realize we are not alone.
We are about to have a second child and neither my parents nor my inlaws are going to visit. My parents told me flat out they don't like to travel (they live 2.5 hours away) and they need a full night sleep (no newborn wake ups), and my inlaws told me since we saw them at Christmas they don't want to spend money on another ticket (they live on the west coast). They also do similar stuff as the other commentators have outlined (don't call, rarely or never visit, don't contact my child on important days, etc).
I do think it's because they are selfish boomers, and also it's how they are. Neither of them were particularly good parents either. We aren't surprised, just disappointed.
Thank you for making me realize we are not alone.
Anonymous
01/27/2014 22:11
Subject: Disappointed in your parents as grandparents?
This problem is common. And it can extend to uncles, aunts, etc. etc. It is a sad, but true, fact that nobody really cares about kids other than their parents.
I deeply love my kids. I care somewhat about my nieces and nephews. All other kids are pretty much irrelevant.
Having said that, I do plan to be an excellent grandparent.
I deeply love my kids. I care somewhat about my nieces and nephews. All other kids are pretty much irrelevant.
Having said that, I do plan to be an excellent grandparent.
Anonymous
01/27/2014 21:57
Subject: Disappointed in your parents as grandparents?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:How do you handle/reconcile your feelings if you are really disappointed in your parents as grandparents? In our case, my parents and DH's parents are each divorced, so we have 4 sets of grandparents. Each set is disappointing and uninvolved! Is it a baby boomer thing? I don't know but it upsets a lot. For example, one set basically never visits or even calls the kids. Another calls occasionally and visits a couple of times of years but just doesn't connect beyond that. One of my parents have depression issues (I think), so I give them a pass for lack of involvement, but it still disappoints. The final set is very involved with a sibling and his kids - think visiting for weeks at a time, going to all the kids big events and birthdays, etc. and knowing/caring about all sort of things in their lives.
I supposed because we're coming off a holiday season where my parents didn't visit us at all - but visited each of my siblings - there is a lot of hurt. My parents don't even know enough about my kids to pick out a X-mas gift for them, so they sent cash inside a card. I hated that - it felt like they were checking a box, like, "ok, sent those kids a gift" but there was nothing festive or personal about it. After finalizing plans with the siblings, my dad would say "oh, we should come and see the kids sometime" but wouldn't commit to even a vague time frame. And, well, here we are at the end of Jan. and the holidays are long over and no visit and no mention of actually doing it.
It isn't a boomer thing. My parents are pre-war. They decided to be vacation and holiday grandparents. Can't change what kind of grandparents they want to be. If you want your children to have a decent relationship with them, you have to be the one who travels (around their schedules) to them 4 times out of 5. We tell them what to buy for Christmas and Birthdays. Now, at 14 and 16, they just send a check. There is also a discrepancy between how much time and frequently they visit us verses my sibling which makes it even more difficult, but it is what it is.
No amount of wishing things were different or talking to them asking for a bit more has helped. They are who they are and I have tried to accept that. I have been successful for the most part, but every once in a while it will bubble up again.
DH's parents were burned out of being grandparents and MIL was in the early stages of dementia when eldest was born.
If it is any consolation, since they don't develop strong bonds, they don't have a hard time when they die.
Look around, there are tons of grandparent local material, adopt them.
OP here. Thank you for your comments/insights. I think you "get" what I'm talking about. It's hard for some of the PPs to understand that this isn't about not inviting or not traveling to see them, or about making them feel uncomfortable, or any of the other suggestions on previous posts. It isn't even about trying to change them or being angry all the time. It is more about sadness and understanding that they have - on whatever level - chosen or created an environment where they don't have a relationship with my kids. It is also about having it "bubble up" periodically as you say.
It is so tempting to try to defend yourself on these threads - especially toward some of the pp.'s who name call (petulant child, etc.), but in reality this is just about knowing that this is a sad situation. Thanks for your comments - I appreciate your words and agree that maybe adopting some interested grandparent types is the way to go.
Anonymous
01/27/2014 16:46
Subject: Disappointed in your parents as grandparents?
Also try to reflect on how you receive them when they do come. My relatives who keep their distance just don't have the stomach for a lot of family functions. When they do show up, people give them a hard time about how they missed the last XYZ function. Of course they don't want to return and only do the minimal after being received like that.
I had a friend who every time we met would complain that I hadn't returned some phone call or that we could only meet for 2 hours instead of the full day, why couldn't she get two days of my 6 day vacation instead of one . . . we're not really friends any more. If family did that to me, I would be putting in the minimum to keep the peace.
I had a friend who every time we met would complain that I hadn't returned some phone call or that we could only meet for 2 hours instead of the full day, why couldn't she get two days of my 6 day vacation instead of one . . . we're not really friends any more. If family did that to me, I would be putting in the minimum to keep the peace.
Anonymous
01/27/2014 16:36
Subject: Disappointed in your parents as grandparents?
Do you proactively invite them? I wonder if this is just a thing of them not wanting to impose and maybe your other siblings invite them over more often. Since they're all divorced and remarried, they may have a lot of family to tend to and the squeakiest wheel gets the most attention.
I wouldn't take their lack of engagement as a sign of anything other than you need to invite them over when you want to see them. My parents don't just invite themselves over to my home and they were initially very sheepish of suggesting visits. I gave a blanket endorsement for a rough schedule throughout the year and they've been more proactive in coming out since then. In some circles, it's rude to just invite yourself. Maybe you have polite grandparents. It could be worse.
I wouldn't take their lack of engagement as a sign of anything other than you need to invite them over when you want to see them. My parents don't just invite themselves over to my home and they were initially very sheepish of suggesting visits. I gave a blanket endorsement for a rough schedule throughout the year and they've been more proactive in coming out since then. In some circles, it's rude to just invite yourself. Maybe you have polite grandparents. It could be worse.
Anonymous
01/27/2014 14:28
Subject: Re:Disappointed in your parents as grandparents?
My parents divorced when i was 5. My mom's parents lived around the corner, and took care of us for free for years. They helped my mom with everything. My mom lives a short plane ride away, but expects that we (there are five of us now) will travel to her. Financially and time-wise, she can afford to visit. Whether we visit her or she visits us, she expects to be waited on. There is always lots of drama. I believe she has a narcissistic personality disorder. I have mourned that she will not be remotely engaged with her grandkids. Now, I keep visits short, and help my kids develop healthy relationships with other adults. It's sad, but if you accept the reality and find other positive people for your kids, it does get better.
Anonymous
01/27/2014 13:17
Subject: Disappointed in your parents as grandparents?
Anonymous wrote:I was surprised how important your family is when you have children of your own. But, my family is not the helping type. Both my mom & MIL are retired and live in the area, but they rarely go out of their way to help out. My mil has never changed my DC's diapers, ever. She interacts more now that DC has "grown out of the baby stage". But she rarely spends more than 2 hours at a time. They both want the postcard version of xmas. For this xmas, my mom gave Thomas the Train for a non-toddler. It was similar to the one she gave couple of years ago. She gave me the store receipt saying that she didn't know what to buy.
I have come to terms with this while back. Just accept and control what you can. I really would have appreciated the help during the infant/toddler stage. Now that DC is little older and it's getting easier, I am looking forward to getting back to normal. I don't plan to play a big part in mil and my mom's retirement. They are on their own.
Wow
Anonymous
01/27/2014 10:35
Subject: Disappointed in your parents as grandparents?
I'm frustrated with my parents. They live 10 minutes away but we don't see them more than once a month or so. Their house is full of fragile and expensive things and it's hard for my now 2.5 and 5yo to be there. They also have a large dog that jumps on the kids. It was even harder when they were younger. They don't ever play with my kids. I invite them to come to the zoo with us or other museums but they decline. On my husband's side - his parents are divorced. His dad hasn't met the kids (he lives in LA) and he seems very uninterested. His mom gets along with the kids but she lives in SF and has some severe financial problems. We see her once a year when we go to her.
Anonymous
01/27/2014 10:27
Subject: Disappointed in your parents as grandparents?
Anonymous wrote:How do you handle/reconcile your feelings if you are really disappointed in your parents as grandparents? In our case, my parents and DH's parents are each divorced, so we have 4 sets of grandparents. Each set is disappointing and uninvolved! Is it a baby boomer thing? I don't know but it upsets a lot. For example, one set basically never visits or even calls the kids. Another calls occasionally and visits a couple of times of years but just doesn't connect beyond that. One of my parents have depression issues (I think), so I give them a pass for lack of involvement, but it still disappoints. The final set is very involved with a sibling and his kids - think visiting for weeks at a time, going to all the kids big events and birthdays, etc. and knowing/caring about all sort of things in their lives.
I supposed because we're coming off a holiday season where my parents didn't visit us at all - but visited each of my siblings - there is a lot of hurt. My parents don't even know enough about my kids to pick out a X-mas gift for them, so they sent cash inside a card. I hated that - it felt like they were checking a box, like, "ok, sent those kids a gift" but there was nothing festive or personal about it. After finalizing plans with the siblings, my dad would say "oh, we should come and see the kids sometime" but wouldn't commit to even a vague time frame. And, well, here we are at the end of Jan. and the holidays are long over and no visit and no mention of actually doing it.
It isn't a boomer thing. My parents are pre-war. They decided to be vacation and holiday grandparents. Can't change what kind of grandparents they want to be. If you want your children to have a decent relationship with them, you have to be the one who travels (around their schedules) to them 4 times out of 5. We tell them what to buy for Christmas and Birthdays. Now, at 14 and 16, they just send a check. There is also a discrepancy between how much time and frequently they visit us verses my sibling which makes it even more difficult, but it is what it is.
No amount of wishing things were different or talking to them asking for a bit more has helped. They are who they are and I have tried to accept that. I have been successful for the most part, but every once in a while it will bubble up again.
DH's parents were burned out of being grandparents and MIL was in the early stages of dementia when eldest was born.
If it is any consolation, since they don't develop strong bonds, they don't have a hard time when they die.
Look around, there are tons of grandparent local material, adopt them.
Anonymous
01/26/2014 23:44
Subject: Disappointed in your parents as grandparents?
Anonymous wrote:My parents are divorced, and one of them has never even met my daughter at all. My father has, he lives an hour and a half plane ride away and we see each other about 4 times a year. It's fine.
OP, honestly you sound like a petulant child who is whiny and unpleasant to be around. If you are teaching your children to be like you maybe the grandparents find your family unpleasant to be around as a whole. If all four couples keep away from you, maybe YOU are the problem you know?
You sound like a future shitty grandparent.
Anonymous
01/26/2014 23:36
Subject: Re:Disappointed in your parents as grandparents?
I grew up so close to all of my grandparents - they all lived within a 45 min drive of my house and we saw them frequently - they attended some of my school functions, all the big ones like graduations, we met for dinner every couple of weeks and saw each other on every minor and major holiday. More than all that, I visited with them one on one frequently - my sib and I would sleep over our grandparents' houses, when I was a teen and older I'd drive over myself to have dinner with my grandparents. None are still alive, and fast forward to now I'm an adult with my own kids and neither my ILs nor my own parents (it's just my dad) are very involved in my kids' lives. I don't "expect" it, but it makes me very sad since I consider my own grandparents to have been such an important part of my life. I vow to do different - I just hope I am alive to be a part of my grandchildren's lives. (darn it on me for having kids later in life!)
Anonymous
01/26/2014 20:32
Subject: Disappointed in your parents as grandparents?
My husband's mother was wonderful. His father and stepmother are mostly hands-off, save for holidays. They live nearby.
It was always my fault. I was too bitchy. I was crazy, anything my husband could find as an excuse for his father's behavior. I remember the first time he blamed it on me, our son was under a month old. I called his father in tears, apologizing profusely for being as difficult as my husband said I was. I'll never forget my father in law's confused tone, and his own apologies for not getting out to see us due to time constraints.
I realized then, that my husband was upset with his Dad and in denial about his indifference.
He finally woke up to this years and years later. But the damage done to our marriage in the meantime is irreparable.
It was always my fault. I was too bitchy. I was crazy, anything my husband could find as an excuse for his father's behavior. I remember the first time he blamed it on me, our son was under a month old. I called his father in tears, apologizing profusely for being as difficult as my husband said I was. I'll never forget my father in law's confused tone, and his own apologies for not getting out to see us due to time constraints.
I realized then, that my husband was upset with his Dad and in denial about his indifference.
He finally woke up to this years and years later. But the damage done to our marriage in the meantime is irreparable.
Anonymous
01/26/2014 20:25
Subject: Disappointed in your parents as grandparents?
Is it possible that because there are 4 sets of GPs, that each one feels like they only need to be around for a fractional part of GP stuff?
I've found that it usually either feels like too much or too little with GPs and they're going to do whatever tf they want and their feelings are very easily hurt.
I've found that it usually either feels like too much or too little with GPs and they're going to do whatever tf they want and their feelings are very easily hurt.
Anonymous
01/26/2014 19:18
Subject: Disappointed in your parents as grandparents?
My parents are divorced, and one of them has never even met my daughter at all. My father has, he lives an hour and a half plane ride away and we see each other about 4 times a year. It's fine.
OP, honestly you sound like a petulant child who is whiny and unpleasant to be around. If you are teaching your children to be like you maybe the grandparents find your family unpleasant to be around as a whole. If all four couples keep away from you, maybe YOU are the problem you know?
OP, honestly you sound like a petulant child who is whiny and unpleasant to be around. If you are teaching your children to be like you maybe the grandparents find your family unpleasant to be around as a whole. If all four couples keep away from you, maybe YOU are the problem you know?
Anonymous
01/26/2014 19:02
Subject: Disappointed in your parents as grandparents?
My parents are not terribly involved in my kids' lives and they live only 25 miles away. They actually prefer to spend holidays with friends rather than family. Guess it must be us! They will invite a bunch of other people over first and THEN they'll call and invite us, so there's no chance for me to ask them to come to our house for a holiday. I've stopped inviting them to recitals and games because they act so bored and can't wait to get home afterward.