I'm a 51 year old man, married 15 years with two kids. I started to feel like an adult when I became a Dad. I've taken a turn toward anxiety-torn teenager since I got laid off last year and we struggle to keep the house and have cut back pretty much everything. No longer feeling like a competent adult.

I didn't feel completely like an adult until I was 28 and left the area where my family lived to go to grad school. Up until that time, I was supporting myself but often went home to visit my parents and felt like I could always fall back on them if I had an emergency. Living a six-hour drive away made me feel like I was really on my own for the first time. This was, of course, back when the internet was in its infancy (early 80s) and my parents would never have been on email (yes, we had it back then but only a few people used it!).

But I also have to say that I didn't have my daughter until I was 38 and I always felt like other people with kids were more grown up than I was. I think maybe that's because I didn't feel like I was very good at "girl" things and being a mom was a "girl" thing. And maybe because it was my husband who really wanted children. I was happy to go along but it wasn't a big goal for me.

So I can't speak to your feelings, OP. My mom was a stay-at-home mom for many years but she was also a civic volunteer and was on the town council. At some points my parents bought an office supply business so she was very much involved in running that with my dad helping her out. But that wasn't until we were in high school so we definitely grew up with the stay-at-home mom model. But, while I have a lot of respect for anyone who chooses to stay home and take care of their kids, that was never a goal for me. I always wanted to work outside my home.

I'm early 40s and almost losing my child during delivery shocked me into real adulthood. Before then, I felt like I was playing a bit at all of it, despite very real responsibilities and many of the trappings of an adult life. But seeing her almost not make it (she's fine now), then have to make medical decisions and sign consent paperwork. Well, DH and I had to be the adults in the room for all of that, so to speak. And it changed us completely.

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually weirdly comforted by this thread. I didn't know anyone else felt like I do. I don't feel like an adult. I feel like I'm a 50 year old on the outside but an 18 year old on the inside. I am super-responsible. I've been married almost 27 years. I was a SAHM when my kids were younger, but have a good job now. We have one child out of college and about to get married, two in college, and two very soon to follow. To people looking at me from the outside, I definitely look like the epitome of a responsible adult.

But I feel like I'm faking it all the time.

Me too

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Its a boomer thing. (I am 57) We played at being adults for awhile in our 20s then the thing was to act like an adolescent. There is not the "grown up" thing that our parents had. Be a man; be a woman. That concept is not really part of it. I guess be a professional does imply being grown up.

I think you are right that it's a changing gender thing. The things that make some of us feel grown up (high heels, staying home in the middle of the day) are traditional female roles. Maybe our generation is destined to feel a little torn between two worlds since gender roles have changed so much over our lifetime. What it means to be a grown up woman is very different from what it meant in the 1960s.

I think this is true. Most of us have no blueprint for being a working mother, so we make it up as we go along.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was 28 when I lost my mother. Navigating all that death entails forced me to feel like an adult.

Exactly. Losing my mother is what caused me to feel adult.

Agree with this. I lost my mother at 14 and have sort of felt "adult" ever since.

Anonymous wrote:You People on the 50+ are awesome. No snark, with caring and thoughtful responses. I'm staying over here!

Maybe it is because we are adults after all. Or, at least we do a good job of faking it.

You People on the 50+ are awesome. No snark, with caring and thoughtful responses. I'm staying over here!

When I realized I was responsible for the lives of three other people (my kids) I felt like an adult. When I see super young mothers (especially teenage mothers) I am a little disturbed because they should be adults, but they clearly aren't (when they are teenagers).

Anonymous wrote:I was 28 when I lost my mother. Navigating all that death entails forced me to feel like an adult.

Exactly. Losing my mother is what caused me to feel adult.

Thanks for starting this thread, I think about this all the time. I'm 38 and feel like it's been SO much harder than I expected to launch into adulthood. I went to an ivy for undergrad, have had a doctorate for more than 10 years, and still feel like I am scraping by (despite a 6 figure salary...in other parts of the country I know I'd be more comfortable). I can't help but feel like the American dream--work hard, earn things--was a LIE

I'm the same age as OP and some of the posters, and I am just not following. I feel like an adult at work. I feel like an adult all the time. Have for many years. Anyway OP, what about meeting with a therapist? These sound like identity issues worth exploring.

I'm actually weirdly comforted by this thread. I didn't know anyone else felt like I do. I don't feel like an adult. I feel like I'm a 50 year old on the outside but an 18 year old on the inside. I am super-responsible. I've been married almost 27 years. I was a SAHM when my kids were younger, but have a good job now. We have one child out of college and about to get married, two in college, and two very soon to follow. To people looking at me from the outside, I definitely look like the epitome of a responsible adult.

But I feel like I'm faking it all the time.

I began feeling like a very competent adult after I started reading DCUM!! The silliness that's posted and mess that some make of their lives. (Fifty & Over Forum doesn't apply)

A different thought ~ taking care of one's elderly parents, and making/owning the hard decisions certainly makes us adults.

Anonymous wrote:
Its a boomer thing. (I am 57) We played at being adults for awhile in our 20s then the thing was to act like an adolescent. There is not the "grown up" thing that our parents had. Be a man; be a woman. That concept is not really part of it. I guess be a professional does imply being grown up.

I think you are right that it's a changing gender thing. The things that make some of us feel grown up (high heels, staying home in the middle of the day) are traditional female roles. Maybe our generation is destined to feel a little torn between two worlds since gender roles have changed so much over our lifetime. What it means to be a grown up woman is very different from what it meant in the 1960s.