"I'm sorry you feel like sh*t. I don't agree that it's MY fault that you feel like sh*t. I'm sure you can imagine how *I* feel about being responsible for an enormous debt that was incurred in part by your ex wife. I'm sure you can imagine how I'm dreading scraping this money together."

Don't let him put the guilt on you. Your feelings are normal. At the same time, don't try to guilt him. It is a reality you have to tackle as a team.

^^ what I meant to say is if you handle this situation and with the same clear perspective that you handle the ex, then you're doing great.

Ex sounds like a pill. You are handling the situation very well, OP.

Yes we have a "plan" which is basically to pull the money out of retirement funds. I hate it but there's no other way for us to suddenly liquidate $30,000+. He will absolutely not sue the ex. That would tank a coparenting relationship and ultimately we would probably end up spending the same amount in lawyers fees that we would get from her anyway even if we were to consider it. Bottom line is she will get this lien off her credit as well on our dime and then probably still stand in line with her hand out for her half of the liened property once the lien is paid off and we can sell it. Could she afford to pay some of the bill? Probably but she won't so I'm not expending energy on chasing that car.

Our best case is we do an offer of compromise, pay the bill, sell the property and hope we get somewhat of a profit so that we can "repay" ourselves what we will have to take from retirement funds.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or maybe he is trying to somehow make this all your fault.

No he's really not. I think he just thinks because he already feels bad, I shouldn't make it worse by validating that yes, it's bad.

I'm a PP. If some of your money is going into solving it, why shouldn't you be able to confirm it's bad, and not only for him but for you too? He sounds like a selfish kid. It's not all about him.

Yeah, you had just found out. You're allowed to feel what you feel, it would be strange if you weren't upset.
It doesn't sound like you berated him. Tomorrow is a new day - you just need to cool down.

Here's what I think: You are entitled to have a reaction to bad news. You are not entitled to have a reaction that, in essence, creates more bad news and a second problem in the household. You admit that you were bitchy.

No one expects you to "coo" and say "there, there" when bad news is announced. You are not a Stepford Wife. But you are a grown-up. This wasn't done TO you. Having an episode (which is what it sounds like you had) just creates even more drama.

You're entitled to have a reaction to the news. If you're angry and bitching three months from now, maybe that's different. But he can't expect you to just take it in stride. And he can't try to position you on the defensive; HE'S the one feeling defensive and probably bad that you have to deal with this.

Any chance of recovering from the ex via a subsequent legal proceeding?

Anonymous wrote:He probably feel like shit about it already and your harping about it is not helpful. I am not saying you need to coddle him but I would try to move to a problem solving stage (ie how to actually pay off all at debt, whether you can get something from his ex etc) as soon as possible.

Good advice

I am all for duking it out with DH if an outcome is up in the air. Fight for it, break dishes, yell and scream - if you have the chance to change anything.

In this case, you cannot change anything. You and DH have to pay that amount. And so, there is no benefit for being angry or upset or making him feel bad.

The poor man is already feeling bad, he is feeling he has let you down, he is angry that the ex can still mess his life up. He is feeling that his ex is dragging him back. + it will hurt his wallet and set him behind in his goals.

So, as the person, who ended up with DH (yes, you got the man, you won already), and in a situation when nothing can be done - you have the perfect opportunity to be supportive of your husband and make him eternally grateful to have gotten you..

After all there is nothing else that can be done.

He cannot magically make this disappear, OP. You have to come up with a plan to get it paid down...and maybe sue the ex

Who earns more money now annually, and how much is the difference?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or maybe he is trying to somehow make this all your fault.

No he's really not. I think he just thinks because he already feels bad, I shouldn't make it worse by validating that yes, it's bad.

I'm a PP. If some of your money is going into solving it, why shouldn't you be able to confirm it's bad, and not only for him but for you too? He sounds like a selfish kid. It's not all about him.

Anonymous wrote:Or maybe he is trying to somehow make this all your fault.

No he's really not. I think he just thinks because he already feels bad, I shouldn't make it worse by validating that yes, it's bad.

Or maybe he is trying to somehow make this all your fault.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Just wow. Did your DH lie about his financial situation before you were married or something?

Yeah, this. Why would you marry someone with such a huge debt and think it would never come to fruition?

That said, it's really his problem. You can complain all you want, but HE needs to fix it, with HIS money, not yours.

I knew of the debt in general but I think he was in denial about how big it was or that it was going to go away. He got bad tax advice and it involves a lien on a property and I think he thought when the lien was up it would just... Disappear. So I did know of the issue and we have agreed it has to be handled but yes, the discussion with the lawyer still revealed we've got no good options other than to come up with this money and pay it off to be done with it. It's nothing I wouldn't have NOT married him over and I've been understanding but I think I'm also allowed some frustration and annoyance over it. I didn't overreact or yell or scream but I basically said this was a shitty situation and I guess he expected head pats or something.

no, he probably knew you'd be upset and you have a right to be upset. what he probably didn't expect is that you'd take it out on him - or at least he feels that way and this is on top of how also feels about the situation. he most likely feels that he doesn't have your support in trying to figure out how to make this work. a good night's sleep will do wonders but offer a bit of an olive branch tomorrow - you're pissed but not at him. maybe that will help.

Good advice. I did try to explain to him that I was just upset about the circumstances and not *at him* but by then the butthurt had set in and he had scuttled off to the couch in retreat. I do feel kind of bad now.