Your mom only acts this way because it gets results. Everyone clearly cows to her, except this SIL, who wasn't brought up in your dysfunctional family dynamic. Yes, an entire family who lets themselves be ruled but a tyrant is dysfunctional. I am guessing you are the golden child in your family and your brother (SIL's husband) is the scapegoat?

I agree with the PPs on boundaries - just tell you mom you don't know how to help her, but you do know that kids do best when they have lots of adults in their lives to love them - and because that is what is best for them, that's what you are doing...I'm curious, though, what up with your brother?

Anonymous wrote:My mom's wrong, I know this. But no one in the family ever stands up to her, she had always been the matriarch ruler. She doesn't ever listen to reason, even when she's wrong she's right.

This is exactly why one of the first PPs hit the nail on the head when they told you to "Set boundaries - and if you can't do that yourself, see a therapist". Your situation sounds like your mom has had this role/control/victim strategy your whole life, and it can be very hard to set boundaries but it is a MUST.

As others have said, being able to do this with her is key to your own wellbeing and ability to stand up for yourself and protect yourself as well, not just about whether you see your nephews or not.

Find whatever support you need (outside of your family, most likely, i.e. therapist) to be able to stand firm and say "Mom, this is an issue between you and SIL. It does not involve me and I'm not going to talk about it further." and keep seeing your nephews.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom's wrong, I know this. But no one in the family ever stands up to her, she had always been the matriarch ruler. She doesn't ever listen to reason, even when she's wrong she's right.

Is this OP? If so, it really doesn't matter. No one here is suggesting that you convince her she's wrong or to reason with her. The unanimous consent is that you need to NOT engage with her about this. Don't share details, don't answer questions, don't get involved. If your mother starts grilling you, simply end the conversation. Talk less, disengage more.

Right? So what if you can't convice her she's wrong? She can lay all the guilt on you that she wants--you just shrug and say "I don't see how spending time with my nephews hurts you. I'm sorry you and SIL don't get along, but that's between the two of you." Then stop telling her when you see your SIL and nephews. Just don't engage.