I think it's important enough that we actually changed our will. Our first choice, DH's brother and his wife, accepted the role happily and then never paid one second's interest to the kids even though we lived 1.5 hours away. I instigated all get-togethers and they rarely showed up or agreed to get together. When my older child was 5 we arrived to a family event and he pointed at DH's brother and said "Hey, that guy looks like Daddy!" My child didn't even know who he was!

We changed the wills the next week to my sister who is younger and unmarried and a little flakey but is a good, loving aunt who will try her best. I thought that was more important than the "stable" BIL and SIL. Love was more important.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my god, INCREDIBLY important! I would NEVER ship my kids off to a foreign country to live within a different culture and with people who are strangers to them after I died! They would be going through way too much trauma to have their world turned upside down and be ripped away from EVERYTHING familiar to them.

The west coast isn't really a foreign country.

You're right, sorry. I was so thrown at the idea of a child having to go live with a stranger I thought it said in a different country rather than across the country. But I stand by my overall statement - it's incredibly important for a child to know the person they'd have to live with if their parents died. It'd be bad enough they'd be leaving their friends, neighbors, school, etc. - their entire support system.

Get off your soap box. We're talking bout a situation where there are no local options.

Why would you think the choice is local options or a stranger to the child? Everyone here is talking about developing a relationship between the chosen guardian and the kids.

Not everyone has the luxury of choosing from more than one potential guardian. I don't even really have one. So I'd be grateful for even the one on the west coast. I'd try to help develop a relationship with that person, if possible.

None of our siblings were great options - we adore them, but the best match for us by far is our good friends. They know us and our child well and would be the closest match in parenting. Unlike our relatives, they live locally (so the kiddo wouldn't need to change schools, lose her neighbor friends, etc.) but still know and love both sides of our family and would make sure that DC got to visit with them. We also discussed it with family when we were doing our estate planning so that there wouldn't be any issues down the road. (BTW - it's wise to do this with any potentially tricky decision. For example, even if you are a declared organ donor, if any family member objects then the hospital won't harvest your organs because the donor organization centers don't want to be viewed as vultures.)

We had considered another couple first, but they moved out of the area and we rarely see them so they got moved to backup.

OP, if your chosen guardian for your kids is someone who could (although unlikely would of course) be in permanent care of your kids, I guess I don't understand what seems to be resistance on your part that they should get to know her over time. At the very least, morbid reasons aside, if she's such a great and close person wouldn't you want to see her sometimes? Even via skype if visits are too far/expensive?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my god, INCREDIBLY important! I would NEVER ship my kids off to a foreign country to live within a different culture and with people who are strangers to them after I died! They would be going through way too much trauma to have their world turned upside down and be ripped away from EVERYTHING familiar to them.

The west coast isn't really a foreign country.

You're right, sorry. I was so thrown at the idea of a child having to go live with a stranger I thought it said in a different country rather than across the country. But I stand by my overall statement - it's incredibly important for a child to know the person they'd have to live with if their parents died. It'd be bad enough they'd be leaving their friends, neighbors, school, etc. - their entire support system.

Get off your soap box. We're talking bout a situation where there are no local options.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my god, INCREDIBLY important! I would NEVER ship my kids off to a foreign country to live within a different culture and with people who are strangers to them after I died! They would be going through way too much trauma to have their world turned upside down and be ripped away from EVERYTHING familiar to them.

The west coast isn't really a foreign country.

You're right, sorry. I was so thrown at the idea of a child having to go live with a stranger I thought it said in a different country rather than across the country. But I stand by my overall statement - it's incredibly important for a child to know the person they'd have to live with if their parents died. It'd be bad enough they'd be leaving their friends, neighbors, school, etc. - their entire support system.

Anonymous wrote:A bit off-tangent, but I have a question for those who designated friends as guardians as opposed to relatives.

Is it even legal?

As I understood from reading a thread on this board a couple of weeks ago, you can 'designate' whomever you want in your will, but there's no guarantee that your wish will be granted, and that judges still prefer to appoint blood relatives as caregivers, unless they are seriously 'unfit'.

Of course it's legal to designate whomever you choose. A child's custody is, however, always subject to the jurisdiction of the court. Judges aren't normally switching guardians willy nillly; however, relatives who preferred to have been chosen have been known to wage fights and win.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Helpful but not necessary. I think it is far more important to select the best possible caregiver and if that person doesn't know your children well, that's OK. In our case, our options also are limited (ok, we have lots of siblings, but not lots of options). I have a very near and dear friend who would make the best, most amazing guardian for our children. She is loving and kind. She sees our kids once a year, but certainly doesn't know them nearly as well as aunts/uncles, but that is OK with me. We do have a family member as the first guardian and my friend is our back-up, but I have been thinking about switching to my friend.

Hope that helps.

But if your kids don't know her, and she doesn't know them, her ability to care for them the way you would like is diminished.

In what way?
If the person is financially secure, loving and open to raising the child.

Sure. So pick a parenting expert out of a book and ship them off! You really think that an existing relationship with your kids is not essential to their being able to cope with helping your children through the huge trauma of losing you? That a virtual stranger can relate better to them than someone they love who loves them back? Are you planning to give everyone an instruction manual that describes how each one tends to react to every situation? Describes personality type to make sure they all can learn to get along? Bizarrely short-sighted.

Also, poor planning on your part to focus on financial stability of the guardian. My kids would be the beneficiaries of several million dollars of life insurance. Because of the large amounts involved, we have a financial trustee to advise and approve outlays for the kids' benefits.

No body will be able to replace mom + dad. No one you choose will know the exact right thing to do in any given situation, so I'm not relating to your examples.

Then I feel sorry for your children. You clearly are less concerned with their emotional well-being than you are with their physical care. That's a shame.

I think it's very important! Can you imagine the trama of losing both of your parents then being shipped off to live with a stranger?

My kids are 24, 21, 20, 18, and 12. When they were younger they would have gone to my sister and her husband. Now that my oldest is out of college and married, we've selected him to be guardian of our youngest. I think it's critical that it be someone your child knows and trusts.

Anonymous wrote:A bit off-tangent, but I have a question for those who designated friends as guardians as opposed to relatives.

Is it even legal?

As I understood from reading a thread on this board a couple of weeks ago, you can 'designate' whomever you want in your will, but there's no guarantee that your wish will be granted, and that judges still prefer to appoint blood relatives as caregivers, unless they are seriously 'unfit'.

Do you have a will?

A bit off-tangent, but I have a question for those who designated friends as guardians as opposed to relatives.

Is it even legal?

As I understood from reading a thread on this board a couple of weeks ago, you can 'designate' whomever you want in your will, but there's no guarantee that your wish will be granted, and that judges still prefer to appoint blood relatives as caregivers, unless they are seriously 'unfit'.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Helpful but not necessary. I think it is far more important to select the best possible caregiver and if that person doesn't know your children well, that's OK. In our case, our options also are limited (ok, we have lots of siblings, but not lots of options). I have a very near and dear friend who would make the best, most amazing guardian for our children. She is loving and kind. She sees our kids once a year, but certainly doesn't know them nearly as well as aunts/uncles, but that is OK with me. We do have a family member as the first guardian and my friend is our back-up, but I have been thinking about switching to my friend.

Hope that helps.

But if your kids don't know her, and she doesn't know them, her ability to care for them the way you would like is diminished.

In what way?
If the person is financially secure, loving and open to raising the child.

Sure. So pick a parenting expert out of a book and ship them off! You really think that an existing relationship with your kids is not essential to their being able to cope with helping your children through the huge trauma of losing you? That a virtual stranger can relate better to them than someone they love who loves them back? Are you planning to give everyone an instruction manual that describes how each one tends to react to every situation? Describes personality type to make sure they all can learn to get along? Bizarrely short-sighted.

Also, poor planning on your part to focus on financial stability of the guardian. My kids would be the beneficiaries of several million dollars of life insurance. Because of the large amounts involved, we have a financial trustee to advise and approve outlays for the kids' benefits.

No body will be able to replace mom + dad. No one you choose will know the exact right thing to do in any given situation, so I'm not relating to your examples.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Helpful but not necessary. I think it is far more important to select the best possible caregiver and if that person doesn't know your children well, that's OK. In our case, our options also are limited (ok, we have lots of siblings, but not lots of options). I have a very near and dear friend who would make the best, most amazing guardian for our children. She is loving and kind. She sees our kids once a year, but certainly doesn't know them nearly as well as aunts/uncles, but that is OK with me. We do have a family member as the first guardian and my friend is our back-up, but I have been thinking about switching to my friend.

Hope that helps.

But if your kids don't know her, and she doesn't know them, her ability to care for them the way you would like is diminished.

In what way?
If the person is financially secure, loving and open to raising the child.

Sure. So pick a parenting expert out of a book and ship them off! You really think that an existing relationship with your kids is not essential to their being able to cope with helping your children through the huge trauma of losing you? That a virtual stranger can relate better to them than someone they love who loves them back? Are you planning to give everyone an instruction manual that describes how each one tends to react to every situation? Describes personality type to make sure they all can learn to get along? Bizarrely short-sighted.

Also, poor planning on your part to focus on financial stability of the guardian. My kids would be the beneficiaries of several million dollars of life insurance. Because of the large amounts involved, we have a financial trustee to advise and approve outlays for the kids' benefits.

I think a relationship with the person(s) who might suddenly be taking over all management of your life, emotional well-being, support in time of crisis, etc... is pretty darn important.

If you're selecting someone who is a stranger to your child then I think you need to change that and build a relationship.

BTW, the guardian doesn't have to be a relative you know. Our guardians are friends - precisely because they're better parents than our family options would offer, and because they have a wonderful relationship with our kids.

The relationship is critical. Think of your child's experience in the event of your death. Being shipped off to a stranger is a preventable event.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Helpful but not necessary. I think it is far more important to select the best possible caregiver and if that person doesn't know your children well, that's OK. In our case, our options also are limited (ok, we have lots of siblings, but not lots of options). I have a very near and dear friend who would make the best, most amazing guardian for our children. She is loving and kind. She sees our kids once a year, but certainly doesn't know them nearly as well as aunts/uncles, but that is OK with me. We do have a family member as the first guardian and my friend is our back-up, but I have been thinking about switching to my friend.

Hope that helps.

But if your kids don't know her, and she doesn't know them, her ability to care for them the way you would like is diminished.

In what way?
If the person is financially secure, loving and open to raising the child.