I don't get all these people defending the MIL. What she did was totally passive aggressive, immature, and unacceptable. Unfortunately, it looks like you're not going to get to spend time with your inlaws at Christmas anymore. For me, smoking is a complete nonstarter -- no way in hell would I allow my children to be exposed to secondhand smoke. Maybe you could try to host on the 23rd or 26th next year if you would like to spend time with them, but that smoky house is a no go. I wouldn't feel the least bit guilty about it -- this is a health issue and a danger to your child. I am fortunate that no one in my family or DH's family smokes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You also shouldn't fuss if people don't come to your Xmas day dinner in the future. If people are going to Xmas eve at the mil, they might have obligations to the other sides of the family on Xmas day or maybe just want to div their own thing.

OP here, thanks. dH's siblings don't have other family around here, and they would usually just sit around MIL's and graze on leftovers from the night before, not do anything special on Christmas itself. But it's clear that MIL wants them there and adamantly does NOT want them at our house. Next year, we'll just let her do her Xmas Eve thing at her house and I'll invite whoever wants to come, to come to dinner on Christmas Day. If no one comes from DH's side, it's their loss. I can't imagine that we'll want to do the smoky house with a 1 year old either, so DH will probably just drop off a fmgift with our regrets. I just can't do the smoking thing any more, and I guess trying to have their usual gathering at our place is a no-go.

Thanks for the understanding!

But if the siblings went there this Christmas and did just that, did you ever consider that the siblings *want* to spend their Christmas that way? Maybe it's the tradition they enjoy. And complaining about a too small house and not enough room doesn't mean that the guests don't want to be there or want to really change. Part of the tradition may be complaining about the space!

Anonymous wrote:You also shouldn't fuss if people don't come to your Xmas day dinner in the future. If people are going to Xmas eve at the mil, they might have obligations to the other sides of the family on Xmas day or maybe just want to div their own thing.

OP here, thanks. dH's siblings don't have other family around here, and they would usually just sit around MIL's and graze on leftovers from the night before, not do anything special on Christmas itself. But it's clear that MIL wants them there and adamantly does NOT want them at our house. Next year, we'll just let her do her Xmas Eve thing at her house and I'll invite whoever wants to come, to come to dinner on Christmas Day. If no one comes from DH's side, it's their loss. I can't imagine that we'll want to do the smoky house with a 1 year old either, so DH will probably just drop off a fmgift with our regrets. I just can't do the smoking thing any more, and I guess trying to have their usual gathering at our place is a no-go.

Thanks for the understanding!

You also shouldn't fuss if people don't come to your Xmas day dinner in the future. If people are going to Xmas eve at the mil, they might have obligations to the other sides of the family on Xmas day or maybe just want to div their own thing.

I get it, OP. MIL was sneaky and passive aggressive. She could have been upfront about what she wanted and what her plans were. She's a poor communicator, so you have to "listen" to get actions instead, and ignore her words. Now you know that she does not want to stop hosting at her house so that won't ever change. You can still create your own traditions and even ones that include the extended family, just don't expect them to be on board with replacing their usual traditions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said you weren't going to her house. She abided by your wishes that she celebrate with your family at your house. But, she didn't want to cancel her own traditional celebration. I am not sure why you thought she should or why you would be upset that she didn't cancel her traditional celebration just because you didn't plan on showing up. I don't think you have any grounds to be pissed about that.

+1

I don't get it OP. She did everything you asked and you are pissed she didn't replace her traditional dinner with yours?

She sounds like an awesome MIL. I don't get what you are upset about.

No. She said she would host her usual Xmas Eve buffet here. Instead, she hosted her usual one at home but took over my house earlier in the day to host a pretend one here before gathering up everyone but us to bring them down to her place afterward. They left about 4 hours earlier than their traditional Xmas Eve celebration would end.

Then even though she knew I was cooking a traditional Christmas dinner and had not made Christmas dinner herself in many years, she decided this was the year to have one, not telling us until they were leaving our place early Christmas Eve. Actually, she never told us any of this. My BIL just cringed and apologized for having to back out of our dinner b/c his mother expected him at hers.

You can't see how it would be hurtful to my husband to think that his traditional family get-together was happening at is own house this year only to have everyone leave 4 hours early to go to the actual celebration which no one told him about until they were leaving? And that his wife is cooking a Chiristmas dinner to which his while family has been invited and then he finds out as they're leaving that no one is coming because his mother decided to host a "competing" dinner - not a tradition, a new thing - guaranteeing no one else in his family would come to his house on Christmas Day? It's weird, passive aggressive, controlling stuff. Not awesome.

OP, you wanted an entire family to change their tradition to suit you.
They accommodated, to a point. There was nothing fake about the meal at your house unless they were eating pretend food.
Yes, they should have communicated up front that they were still having a celebration at mom's house.
I get it, I hate,hate,hate smoke. I would not want to smell it, smell like it, or have my baby breathe it.
But really it is time to get over yourself. You wanted them to change what they usually do, you just don't the way they did it.

Anonymous wrote:You had the new baby - you win. Everyone comes to you. Period. End of. Next time tell your husband he can go visit without you, until the baby is older.

WTFREAKKKKKKK??
People have babies everyday, get over yourself .

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said you weren't going to her house. She abided by your wishes that she celebrate with your family at your house. But, she didn't want to cancel her own traditional celebration. I am not sure why you thought she should or why you would be upset that she didn't cancel her traditional celebration just because you didn't plan on showing up. I don't think you have any grounds to be pissed about that.

+1

I don't get it OP. She did everything you asked and you are pissed she didn't replace her traditional dinner with yours?

She sounds like an awesome MIL. I don't get what you are upset about.

No. She said she would host her usual Xmas Eve buffet here. Instead, she hosted her usual one at home but took over my house earlier in the day to host a pretend one here before gathering up everyone but us to bring them down to her place afterward. They left about 4 hours earlier than their traditional Xmas Eve celebration would end.

Then even though she knew I was cooking a traditional Christmas dinner and had not made Christmas dinner herself in many years, she decided this was the year to have one, not telling us until they were leaving our place early Christmas Eve. Actually, she never told us any of this. My BIL just cringed and apologized for having to back out of our dinner b/c his mother expected him at hers.

You can't see how it would be hurtful to my husband to think that his traditional family get-together was happening at is own house this year only to have everyone leave 4 hours early to go to the actual celebration which no one told him about until they were leaving? And that his wife is cooking a Chiristmas dinner to which his while family has been invited and then he finds out as they're leaving that no one is coming because his mother decided to host a "competing" dinner - not a tradition, a new thing - guaranteeing no one else in his family would come to his house on Christmas Day? It's weird, passive aggressive, controlling stuff. Not awesome.

Anonymous wrote:You said you weren't going to her house. She abided by your wishes that she celebrate with your family at your house. But, she didn't want to cancel her own traditional celebration. I am not sure why you thought she should or why you would be upset that she didn't cancel her traditional celebration just because you didn't plan on showing up. I don't think you have any grounds to be pissed about that.

+1

I don't get it OP. She did everything you asked and you are pissed she didn't replace her traditional dinner with yours?

She sounds like an awesome MIL. I don't get what you are upset about.

You had the new baby - you win. Everyone comes to you. Period. End of. Next time tell your husband he can go visit without you, until the baby is older.

OP here. It's pretty amazing - the collective responses pretty accurately picked up on the dynamic in what I didn't say and also helped me calibrate my response. So thanks!

I actually don't mind that MIL really wanted her own celebration at home (apparently...she never actually said that). I don't think we bullied them. Essentially, we said the baby can't come down, and we have all this space here, would you like to host your usual party here? I mention the smallness because it's been a complaint that everyone has had in past years...the living room is about 8" x 8" and v full of furniture, so everyone grumbles (not me, I just go along) as they bump into each other and trip over presents, etc. Anyway, I would have been FINE with, "we'll do our usual and see you another time" or "we'll stop by your house in the afternoon beforehand and do our usual without you" or "We'd rather not spend Christmas with you at all you weird asthmatic abrasive bitch", but instead we got, "Great! We'll bring all the food and presents!" and then only stayed till sundown (it's usually an evening thing) and never said anything about doing the usual at home without us. Honestly, I'd much rather have just hosted them for bruch or something totally different than have MIL puttering in my kitchen all day for a Potemkin Party when the real one was later.

Xmas dinner was mostly a poor communication or passivity issue on my husband's part, as apparently he just issued an open invite and assumed some or all would come since they usually didn't have a Chrisymas Day dinner planned.

I do appreciate them coming here. I just don't get the subterfuge, and I think my husband feels bad that everyone else was "in on" alternate plans but no one told him. It's all just weird, and I guess it was a good dry run for us to work this crap out in the next few years before the kid will notice!

Anonymous wrote:You said you weren't going to her house. She abided by your wishes that she celebrate with your family at your house. But, she didn't want to cancel her own traditional celebration. I am not sure why you thought she should or why you would be upset that she didn't cancel her traditional celebration just because you didn't plan on showing up. I don't think you have any grounds to be pissed about that.

I think the issue is more that MIL and the family didn't tell OP what they had planned, which is what seems very odd to me.

my in-laws are passive agressive too, and the real issue is between my husband and them and then my husband and me i.e. they won't be up front with what they want, and my husband won't be up front with what he wants. They certainly won't communicate with eachother. Then, Im up front with what I want, and then find out much too late that they are upset about going along with what I want(usually after the fact.) I don't care either way--just tell me!!! I'm married for 15 years and i"ve learned to just do what I want and ignore the backlash because I will never get them to change. It's a hard lesson, but you should learn it now so you don't waste time or energy on trying to guess what everyone wants going forward.

They should have been clear, but why were you hosting twice? Never offer that again! Offer one gathering at your home, don't take over MIL's traditional time (maybe Xmas eve brunch?) and realize smoking and control is more important to them than your family's health needs.

You've learns something important here, and it is time to lower your expectations of your ILs and yourself relative to them in the future. They may only live ten miles away, but they are not going to be family you can rely on in the way you might like.

Anonymous wrote:You said you weren't going to her house. She abided by your wishes that she celebrate with your family at your house. But, she didn't want to cancel her own traditional celebration. I am not sure why you thought she should or why you would be upset that she didn't cancel her traditional celebration just because you didn't plan on showing up. I don't think you have any grounds to be pissed about that.

+1 I don't see the issue. They accommodated you and then did what they wanted. What's the problem?