Really fucked up situation, but maybe the best arrangement for all involved. If the father is really such an ass that he would marry a woman who refused to allow his kids in her home, then I seriously question his judgment, and the stepmother seems like an evil bitch. In this situation, then it is better for the kids to keep them away from a toxic stepfamily but still get to see their dad. My only question is what happens when the "old wife" meets someone (and sounds like she deserves to!) Will the new stepdad acquiesce to having the dad staying in their home?

Anonymous wrote:Can a father actually be a parent when he sees his kids 2 days every two weeks? I don't think so.

This was standard for many years for many families.

Definitely messed up.

One a person has children, they are part of a package. If the next gf or bf doesn't get that, then there is no relationship.

Dad should not date a woman who doesn't want kids.

The father sounds like a total loser and a wimp. I'm sorry the kids have such a weak man for their father.

What if the new wife wants her own kids, or starts resenting even the alternate weekends her husband is visiting his kids?

I would say, yes this is weird. There is no part of it that makes for good parents putting their kids first. Dad marries someone who doesn't want his kids? Ex wife/mom is OK with playing house with Dad for alternate weekends. That's f'ed up, no matter how you cast it or who says they want it. You're married, you're divorced, figure it out. I second the, "poor kids!"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can a father actually be a parent when he sees his kids 2 days every two weeks? I don't think so.

Unless you were just born since the 1990s, you will remember that in the history of divorcing parents in the US, this was the arrangements for almost ALL Dads! My parents got divorced in 1978ish. I and all my friends whose parents divorced in that era had the same experience - Mom got the kids, Dad took the kids every other weekend plus maybe two weeks in summer. Dad and Mom split holidays.

I see your point, but still don't think it's possible to be a real parent under such an arrangement.

OP here. What would you say if the old wife agrees -- actually, if the old wife first suggested it (perhaps knowing that the man is a crappy father)

If I were the ex wife I would never agree to this. Hell if I were a man I would never marry a woman who doesn't want my kids around. This is not going to last for long if it does at all.

All I can say is that I feel so, so sorry for kids who are being "parented" by these selfish whackos.

Anonymous wrote:Can a father actually be a parent when he sees his kids 2 days every two weeks? I don't think so.

Unless you were just born since the 1990s, you will remember that in the history of divorcing parents in the US, this was the arrangements for almost ALL Dads! My parents got divorced in 1978ish. I and all my friends whose parents divorced in that era had the same experience - Mom got the kids, Dad took the kids every other weekend plus maybe two weeks in summer. Dad and Mom split holidays.

FWIW, I know plenty of parents who have their kids full time (Moms and Dads) and still manage to do a shitty job. My Dad had the above arrangement and he was (and still at age 82is) a GREAT father, better than my full time Mom ever had the capacity to be.

Anonymous wrote:Plus, it won't take long before the new woman/wife starts to resent the time spent in his ex wife's house.. or there's a new kid.. and just like that these two children are abandoned by their father. He needs to find a backbone.

+1

This is all kinds of f-ed up. The new woman is wretched, but the husband is a terrible dad for even considering this.
I think ultimately he will be an absentee dad, as PP said.
Especially when he has kids with the new woman.
Poor kids.

Does he sleep in bed with the ex-wife and try to give the kids the impression that they are still together? Or does he stay in the guest room and call it a visit? It still seems too infrequent to see his kids but the idea of sleeping at the house does not in and of itself bother me if everyone is clear about what it means.