First you need to figure out what the heck is going on. Hire a PI. it shouldn't be difficult.

1) Grow a backbone. Your husband know you lack one.
2) You already know what's going on. Maybe you haven't investigated because then you'd have proof to deal with. You've been married to him long enough and he clearly doesn't care enough to exercise discretion.
3) Start looking for work.
4) Start working out if you aren't already
5) Find some real friends or a life outside of home so that you have some semblance of a life outside of your husband.

Start there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16:14 here. Actually my assumption is that he is cheating on you. Why would you raise your children in a home where you are giving tacit approval to that? Why would model for them that marriage is a loveless sham?

And what's worse is, he's putting her and the kids last. Someone outside of their marriage/family is the priority, whether its a lover or his friend. They call and he drops everything? Means he can drop you someday. He's probably staying for image purposes and obligation.

He stays because he is weak. He stays because he can. Wife isn't challenging him to come clean or leave. There's no way I'd let my husband get away with disappearing for hours and no explanation. I'd rather take the children and be alone than sit home being a fool with a pretend marriage regardless of whether I was a SAHM or WOHM.

That's why she needs to step up and be the strong parent for her kids. Clearly the husband chooses not to fulfill his role as either parent or spouse.

Ok, got it. So, suggestions? What is the first step?

1. Find a therapist so you can figure out why you've given up on yourself and allowed this shit to go on.
2. See a lawyer about what your options are. Going back to work may or may not be the best option.
3. Based on what lawyer says, get a plan in place. Get your ducks lined up.
4. Tell your husband you're done with the lies, disappearing and secrecy. He needs to leave.

^^ Get back to work first?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16:14 here. Actually my assumption is that he is cheating on you. Why would you raise your children in a home where you are giving tacit approval to that? Why would model for them that marriage is a loveless sham?

And what's worse is, he's putting her and the kids last. Someone outside of their marriage/family is the priority, whether its a lover or his friend. They call and he drops everything? Means he can drop you someday. He's probably staying for image purposes and obligation.

He stays because he is weak. He stays because he can. Wife isn't challenging him to come clean or leave. There's no way I'd let my husband get away with disappearing for hours and no explanation. I'd rather take the children and be alone than sit home being a fool with a pretend marriage regardless of whether I was a SAHM or WOHM.

That's why she needs to step up and be the strong parent for her kids. Clearly the husband chooses not to fulfill his role as either parent or spouse.

Ok, got it. So, suggestions? What is the first step?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16:14 here. Actually my assumption is that he is cheating on you. Why would you raise your children in a home where you are giving tacit approval to that? Why would model for them that marriage is a loveless sham?

And what's worse is, he's putting her and the kids last. Someone outside of their marriage/family is the priority, whether its a lover or his friend. They call and he drops everything? Means he can drop you someday. He's probably staying for image purposes and obligation.

He stays because he is weak. He stays because he can. Wife isn't challenging him to come clean or leave. There's no way I'd let my husband get away with disappearing for hours and no explanation. I'd rather take the children and be alone than sit home being a fool with a pretend marriage regardless of whether I was a SAHM or WOHM.

That's why she needs to step up and be the strong parent for her kids. Clearly the husband chooses not to fulfill his role as either parent or spouse.

Anonymous wrote:16:14 here. Actually my assumption is that he is cheating on you. Why would you raise your children in a home where you are giving tacit approval to that? Why would model for them that marriage is a loveless sham?

And what's worse is, he's putting her and the kids last. Someone outside of their marriage/family is the priority, whether its a lover or his friend. They call and he drops everything? Means he can drop you someday. He's probably staying for image purposes and obligation.

I am not a person who thrives on conflict either. And regardless of what I say in anger, I will not do anything not kosher. So, no consequences for DH. Going back to work seems to be the only thing right now that will change the routine.

Anonymous wrote:
Wow, OP. Either you're a troll or you're really in the ditch. You "tackle this issue" by actually talking about it with your husband, not by running some experiment with you getting a job. Grown-ups talk to each other, hash it out, exchange words.

OP here. Not a troll. Obviously talking hasn't helped. No answers are forthcoming. As a wohm I had not seen this behavior. Or maybe it was more hidden? As a sahm I noticed this a lot more because I knew when he was home and when he wasn't. I have read in another thread that there is a loss of power once someone becomes a sahm. I did not feel as if I have less power - in every other way he has not changed. I do know that he does not have to pitch in as much at home, as when I was working. So maybe when i go back to work, he will need to be here and present to help out and will have less leisure time to take off.

So, what should be my first step? I may be really in the ditch.

Anonymous wrote:^^ Let me pose it another way. If I go back to work, will that change his behavior?

That could be perhaps one way to tackle this issue? Maybe I start with that and then have a discussion about leaving him if he does not change?

Wow, OP. Either you're a troll or you're really in the ditch. You "tackle this issue" by actually talking about it with your husband, not by running some experiment with you getting a job. Grown-ups talk to each other, hash it out, exchange words.

Anonymous wrote:PP has to be one of the dumbest women I've ever met. Hoping she's a troll

Sorry I mean 18:33 and all of her posts, not the other one who responded above me

PP has to be one of the dumbest women I've ever met. Hoping she's a troll

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guaranteed that she has no means to make an income. I'd bet money she is a dependent.

I am SAHM right now, but I do have my own money, and ability to go back to work. Do you think this has played a role? Are SAHMs more prone to be cheated on?

Why don't you ask your husband? I'd love to hear his answer.

^^ Let me pose it another way. If I go back to work, will that change his behavior?

That could be perhaps one way to tackle this issue? Maybe I start with that and then have a discussion about leaving him if he does not change?

Anonymous wrote:Guaranteed that she has no means to make an income. I'd bet money she is a dependent.

I am SAHM right now, but I do have my own money, and ability to go back to work. Do you think this has played a role? Are SAHMs more prone to be cheated on?