Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. We have similar problem with our ILs. They live overseas, are totally irresponsible with money and extremely stubborn and ungrateful. So far they milked us for more than 10k and are still angry we are not sending more (and are occasionally denying that we have in fact given them the money we did). Its so frustrating, it's driving us crazy. They were, btw, professionals with successful careers and have gotten a lot of help from their parents. But they made a lot of foolish decisions (of which we warned them, but that just made them angry) and keep living beyond their means.

I don't have a solution for you - when they ask for money, we stall and then send much less than what they asked for. Still a lot of money over the years, though. We have another baby on the way so this will hopefully diminish further.

Hope is not a plan.

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. We have similar problem with our ILs. They live overseas, are totally irresponsible with money and extremely stubborn and ungrateful. So far they milked us for more than 10k and are still angry we are not sending more (and are occasionally denying that we have in fact given them the money we did). Its so frustrating, it's driving us crazy. They were, btw, professionals with successful careers and have gotten a lot of help from their parents. But they made a lot of foolish decisions (of which we warned them, but that just made them angry) and keep living beyond their means.

I don't have a solution for you - when they ask for money, we stall and then send much less than what they asked for. Still a lot of money over the years, though. We have another baby on the way so this will hopefully diminish further.

Anonymous wrote:
Ethically, you cannot let your family member starve in the gutter, however irresponsibly and ungrateful they are.

Case in point: my grandmother. Inherited a ton of money, blew through it without helping her 7 children who were all in financial difficulty as young adults, then SUED her children for financial support once her money ran out. Her middle-aged children sold all her stuff, and with that capital and an agree-upon allowance pooled from all their income, she managed to live the rest of her life very frugally, but decently.

So OP, don't stop helping your mother, but be firm as a rock. Make a plan with your husband and agree to let her have an allowance every month for $X. No more, no less. Help her out by pulling all administrative strings she could be eligible for (Medicare, SS, etc?). You could also make a larger plan with all of your siblings so that everyone understands what the goal is - let your mother live decently but minimize the enabling.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:
Ethically, you cannot let your family member starve in the gutter, however irresponsibly and ungrateful they are.

Case in point: my grandmother. Inherited a ton of money, blew through it without helping her 7 children who were all in financial difficulty as young adults, then SUED her children for financial support once her money ran out. Her middle-aged children sold all her stuff, and with that capital and an agree-upon allowance pooled from all their income, she managed to live the rest of her life very frugally, but decently.

So OP, don't stop helping your mother, but be firm as a rock. Make a plan with your husband and agree to let her have an allowance every month for $X. No more, no less. Help her out by pulling all administrative strings she could be eligible for (Medicare, SS, etc?). You could also make a larger plan with all of your siblings so that everyone understands what the goal is - let your mother live decently but minimize the enabling.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:My mother was like this. When I was struggling in college, she was calling and asking me for my financial aid money. When I got my first job "real" job, she called with a sob story and I sent her my rent money. She used it for a vacation. She called with another sob story a month later. I told her no. She never called back. Not in 12 years.

She did, however, milk her mother for everything she had once I stopped the gravy train. My grandmother was widowed at young age and both of her parents died when she was young. She struggled to support 3 girls on an LPN's salary. She was very frugal, and managed to accumulate enough retirement savings to get by in her old age. My mom knew she couldn't say no, so now nearly all those savings are gone and my grandmother spends the little that is left for her heart medication, and worries that she can't afford it much longer. Now that she is broke, my mom doesn't call her either. I'd help my grandmother any time she asked, but my mom, never. Sometimes you just have to let people go.

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. I feel guilty because my DH and I do make a very good income. But who knows about the future and our savings come from living below our means.

Anonymous wrote: My sister is furious because my husband and I make $X a year (she is guessing the amount) and she can't help right now herself since she is saving for a wedding (but she would if she could).

think it's different when parents want to work but can't or are past they ages where they should be working, and are frugal. If she was just asking for cash and blowing through it without sense, you may feel differently. There is a responsibility to help in both situations, but it is "easier" to help someone who is sensible and just in an unfortunate situation. With the latter, you have to make sure that the money you give them isn't just thrown away on some random business or investment or something.

Anonymous wrote:

I'd get a job cleaning toilets before I'd ask my kids for money even if I were sick.

This is my mother. But I am her son and I won't let her work in her 70's. She messed herself up financially but is very frugal. She gets a check every month. Who lets their mother starve? Lighten up, folks.