OP, have you been very straight forward with your DH about what you need from him? My DH often likes to whine to me about stuff and I tend to be the kind of person who likes to find solutions as opposed to just hearing complaints. When he doesn't want my feedback, he specifically says "I just need to vent" and I know to just listen and nod and feel bad with him (even though this is against my natural tendencies). I would try this with your DH so that he knows what you need from him when you're sad about this situation.

I would probably also take the same approach with your brother's ex. Tell her you're sorry he was such a bad husband or made bad decisions and then say "but he's my brother and we grew up together and I still love him. We would love to bury a small amount of his ashes with my mother and brother. We would love any memoriabilia that might still be around." If you empathize with her and validate her feelings, then you can possibly ask her for some of these things in a less charged way.

I'm sorry, OP. This sounds tough.

Anonymous wrote:She has no interest or patience for anyone who wants to say anything nice about him or memorialize any of his nice attributes in any way. As I said, I understand she is very hurt and angry at him.

Sorry for your loss, OP. I agree with the pp that YOU can memorialize him--that's not the place of the ex-wife. Have a memorial service or party, bring together the people who loved him, and honor him as you see fit. If his daughter can be included, great. If not, ask people to write or record positive memories of your brother for his daughter. (You might want to save these for your niece for when she is older and can appreciate them more.)

In the long run, being on good terms with the ex-wife will be your best bet, particularly if you want to remain close to your niece. But remember that your brother's death is not her loss--it's your loss and her daughter's loss. She can't and shouldn't be chief mourner here, as her feelings about his death are going to be very mixed. Don't hold her to a certain standard of mourning. And if you can, try to get past her inappropriate decisions about what to do with his belongings, for example. It's possible that at this point she sees your brother's death as just as another thing she and her daughter have to blame him for. She has new, additional responsibilities (being a solo parent, dealing with his estate, helping your niece work through her grief), and while it sounds like she has made some unkind decisions, I don't see that calling her on them is going to improve your relationship with her.

Nothing says you can't have your own memorial service for your brother and invite people who remembered him fondly. If his is buried you should even be able to do this at the grave site. If not, you can simply blow up some great pictures of your brother and have a little party. I'm sure it would make you family and his friends feel a lot better too. Of course, you may not be able to have his DC there (which is a shame) but maybe you could hire a vidiographer to tape it and you can share it with your niece when she gets older. I'm so sorry for your loss.