He has OCD. Run!

Abusive to be pissed about the pen cap being off, the lotion mess, etc.? No.

Abusive to say he doesn't want the kids to grow up like their own mother, for any anger-based reason? Absolutely.

Something tells me there's more to this story. Meticulous people paired with more casual people can be a volatile mix. While it sounds like OP's spouse is prone to overreacting, it also sounds like OP doesn't do the best job of communicating (events or needs). For example, a simple conversation about the bread paddle, or a note with a warning, would've prevented that problem.

Still no reason to play the "I hope the kids aren't like you" card. That's just shitty. Angry, frustrated, or otherwise, that's below the belt.

Counseling, OP. Get to the heart of whatever's got him so stressed out that he's flipping out over pen caps. Get some better communication skills for both of you, and learn to compromise. This isn't about the pen cap at all.

Anonymous wrote:Abusive. Especially with OP getting up in the night to nurse a baby. He should be bending over backwards to make her life easier. Chiding her about a pen cap? WTF?

He gets therapy. Now.

Yes! OP, please don't take his crap for another day. You are on your way down a very sad, painful road with this man.

Abusive. Especially with OP getting up in the night to nurse a baby. He should be bending over backwards to make her life easier. Chiding her about a pen cap? WTF?

He gets therapy. Now.

Oh god OP. I am another voice echoing the posters who've experienced abusive relationships who believes your relationship is headed there. Saying he doesn't want the baby to grow up to be like you?! F HIM! He shouldn't have married you, then.

I don't have any advice except 1) start standing up for yourself NOW and don't take any more crap, even if that means not making him dinner and letting him stew about it and 2) if he doesn't relent...please consider a divorce while your child is still young enough not to remember. "D"H is only going to be more of a monster as the chaos of toddlerhood descends on your home and neither you nor your child deserves that.

Wow, this sounds like my ex-boyfriend. He's actually a really good guy but he has OCD, undiagnosed. He would get irritated at me about stuff like hanging the towel on the wrong rack, not closing the bathroom door when no one was using it (?), not properly replacing the couch pillows exactly where he wanted them. He actually thought that I should go to therapy so that I would learn more about structure and systems. He thought that the way he did things was right and the rest the world was wrong. I broke up with him because of it. I discussed all this with a therapist while we were dating. Apparently it is pretty hard to treat OCD. But medication can help. I also have another friend who has a OCD, but she knowledges that as her own flaw, rather than acting like she's superior and everyone else is wrong.

Anonymous wrote:Oh my god are you kidding me PPs? This is far from emotionally abusive territory. What an insult to women who have actually been abused. OP you're clearly stressed and he seems stressed too. Stress magnifies sensitivity. Out of the 3 things you listed only the moisturizer incident would bother me. Explain your stress to him and flat out ask him to be more patient and tell him you'll try harder to remember to put things back when you're done.

PP, you really need to read up on emotional abuse. It is insidious and difficult to spot. There are many ways to emotionally abuse, control and manipulate someone. OP's husband is negatively effecting her self esteem. Love should not feel this way. Seriously, do your research because it is not as simple as you think. He doesn't have to curse and swear and throw things at her to cut away at her self image. And in fact, the longterm effects of emotional abuse are very serious.

I'm a guy, but I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a woman for like four years.

This sounds exactly like abuse to me - I agree completely with anonymous at 12:58. Tell him to F.O. now.

Do not tolerate this and do not let him internalize this. His behavior is unacceptable whether or not you are "unsystemmatic" or in some other way not "competent" as a parent/adult. The only acceptable thing for him to do (if it were true, which it almost assuredly is not) is to gently try to help you, not run you down.

Something is way off here. Don't waste years like @16:13 trying to placate him.

Good luck to you.

I so understand where you are coming from OP. I dealt with the pen issue too. And similar tirades about leaving on lights, etc. It got so bad at my house that despite my working full time, doing lionshare of child duties (and child has autism), and 80% of housework that no matter what I did, he was always going to say something or complain. I could take a PTO day and clean all day and he'd complain that I left a pen out without a top.

It only gets worse. After four years of trying and therapy and whatnot, I finally realized that this was never going to change. He used my lack of systems as an excuse for him not to help with anything in house. Can't do dishes as he can't understand my disorganized system for where things go, can't shop or put away food from shopping as I have "boobytrapped" the cabinets and he doesn't know where things go. Can't help with straightening up as he has no clue where things should go. Then I got even more tired and fed up and it just snowballed.

I went to therapy and started to realize that I HATED walking on eggshells with him, that I could not be my normal self and that I constantly was anxious around him. We are separating now.

So while my example is extreme this type of crap does erode the strength of your marriage.

Hope you find a better ending!

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you have reversed traditional roles. Usually it is the wife nagging the husband over every little they do that isn't quite right. I am sure many women on here have been frustrated with their spouses over things left on the floor, tops left off containers etc, and were annoyed by their husband's disorganization and/or absent mindedness.

Um, Okaaaaaaay.

New poster here. I do think it is abuse. It is not just making a remark, it is putting the OP down as a person and mother.

It seems like you have reversed traditional roles. Usually it is the wife nagging the husband over every little they do that isn't quite right. I am sure many women on here have been frustrated with their spouses over things left on the floor, tops left off containers etc, and were annoyed by their husband's disorganization and/or absent mindedness.

I've been in an abusive relationship, and don't find this conversation "an insult to women who have actually been abused" at all.

The stuff about him not wanting their child to grow up "not putting on pen covers like her"...not only is that *mean,* it's indicative of a desire for control that is really disturbing. Especially because he apparently takes these tiny incidents as excuses to repeatedly berate her about how dysfunctional she is. That's fucked up.

Anonymous wrote:Oh my god are you kidding me PPs? This is far from emotionally abusive territory. What an insult to women who have actually been abused. OP you're clearly stressed and he seems stressed too. Stress magnifies sensitivity. Out of the 3 things you listed only the moisturizer incident would bother me. Explain your stress to him and flat out ask him to be more patient and tell him you'll try harder to remember to put things back when you're done.

No, I wasn't kidding. When someone takes a minor thing and blows it up to be indicative of an overarching character flaw on a regular basis, that's bordering on emotional abuse. People who have been emotionally abused would very likely see that in this scenario. She lives in the house too. If she doesn't want to put a damn pen cap on, she shouldn't have to. In your world, she's cow-towing. Oh, I see where you're coming from now....

He sounds like an ass. I'm kind of anal, but I'd never fight over a stupid pen cap. I would get annoyed if the caps were always left off of markers and they dried out, though. There's got to be a threshhold for what's worth fighting about, and if he's picking over stuff that's this small, he really needs some actual problems.