Anonymous wrote:I'm soooo glad I have a daughter!

There's no guarantee she'll stay "faithful" to you.

Nothing in life is certain.

deal

I cut mine off years ago.

best decision ever

I'm soooo glad I have a daughter!

Anonymous wrote:You don't need to suck it up--you can politely and calmly stand up for yourself when she makes rude comments directed at you or your kids. You do not have to tolerate being mistreated. On the other hand, if she's not mistreating you, you should be civil, since she is your husband's mother. And your husband should either stand up to her when she badmouths you or you guys should agree together that ignoring her nasty comments is the best strategy.

+1 Agreed. The simplest way to handle this is to say, "that's rude" or "that's a loaded comment." Or even lightly tease her about comments made. You are teaching her how to treat you. It's important to have boundaries with MIL.

Anonymous wrote:When my MIL says some hurtful comment, I stop and look at her and ask "Why did you say such a hurtful thing? Did you know that it made me feel very bad". That's all I say. I don't fight or make a scene. I will however not let it go without saying the above if she makes a hurtful comment. I will do that even if company is present.

It shames her and she has started treating me with politeness. It also shames her kids and her husband. She is not my mother and she is welcome to have a relationship with my DH and kids. I do not advocate on her behalf either.

I wish I knew you IRL. Everyone I know thinks they have the worst (fill in the blank with bad habit here) MIL; but when MILs are downright mean spirited, it is indeed the worst! Thanks for your awesome post, seriously.

My MIL does not get excited about anything, except maybe one lame a^^ once a year thing that she plans, that everyone hates but feels obligated to attend. If she is not depressed, I don't know who is. It is difficult to be around. I really like your retort, and have been looking for something like this for years, so thank you. Some people need to be brought down a few pegs.

When my MIL says some hurtful comment, I stop and look at her and ask "Why did you say such a hurtful thing? Did you know that it made me feel very bad". That's all I say. I don't fight or make a scene. I will however not let it go without saying the above if she makes a hurtful comment. I will do that even if company is present.

It shames her and she has started treating me with politeness. It also shames her kids and her husband. She is not my mother and she is welcome to have a relationship with my DH and kids. I do not advocate on her behalf either.

PP here. Since you asked, I would fully expect the MIL to be warm and welcoming, and quite frankly, feel it is her job. If she wants or deserves any kind of respect in the family, she better act the part!

Meh. Its difficult if you have nothing in common and the MIL INSISTS on dwelling on the differences. Add in the antagonistic bridge club who hate their DILs too, and you have a recipe for a MIL who gets what she asks for. In which case, one learns to ignore it. Like me. MIL thought no one was onto her, but she only made herself look bad, in the end. She refused to take the high road and thought everyone "owed" (???!!!) her. Not my problem.

Anonymous wrote:Because your DH loves her and wants her included. You're putting up with her because of him.

The problem with MILs is that they want all of the slack from being "Mom" but don't realize that that their DIL doesn't care. She's not MY mom.

Hmm. You're onto something here. She talks to me like she talks to her own daughter, but I don't think she talks nicely to her either, and I don't have a lifetime of being family to make me feel like I have to take it from her.

Anonymous wrote:So the example she is setting is "Grandma can be rude to Mom and no one says anything".

I agree so much with you. This is the reason why I barely talk with my in-laws. My MIL is ok, but BIL is an a**hole, narcissistic idiot. Everyone puts up with him including my MIL who has made snarky remarks because I don't get along with this idiot.

OP, I think you should't put up with her. Your DH needs to say something. Why you have to respect her when she does;t respect you. You are setting a bad example for your children - basically saying it's ok to treat people like doormats.

No, it's not typical. Mine rocks! Supports us to show she cares(will fly here for her first grandson's birth), but has stayed out in every other way.
FIL rocks too-old class, polite and modest!

My MIL is on me because it's somehow my fault H didn't move back home...even though he had a job here in DC long before we married, I'm not from here either, and moved here to be with him. She was also on us for years to have children and now pretty much ignores the one we have.

She's on her other DIL about not being the same religion and is constantly trying to baptize the children behind her back. She also gets on her about not working for many reasons.

I think it's not us, if she can't get along with either of us.

In my case, my MIL is mentally ill (diagnosed, medicated when she deigns to take her meds) and an alcoholic. She expects me to continue all the denial and walking on eggshells behavior around her that her kids do because they grew up in a household with a mentally ill alcoholic. It is incredibly important to me not to teach my own children that pattern of living and relating, so I stick up for myself and don't tolerate her BS. Which makes me the bad guy rocking the boat. Oh well.

Anonymous wrote:You don't need to suck it up--you can politely and calmly stand up for yourself when she makes rude comments directed at you or your kids. You do not have to tolerate being mistreated. On the other hand, if she's not mistreating you, you should be civil, since she is your husband's mother. And your husband should either stand up to her when she badmouths you or you guys should agree together that ignoring her nasty comments is the best strategy.

+1000

I love my MIL. We don't talk on the phone, but we text and Facebook. Once a year we go on a vacation where everyone skis except MIL and me. She and I go to the spa, gym, snow shoeing, shopping, etc. We have a nice time and my DH and SILs are happy to have someone make sure she's not bored.