We go to a counselor once a month to air grievances and come up with solutions with a third party's help. I find when we stop going to a counselor all together, things can turn south and we can get into a crisis mode. So we just keep up once a month maintainance visits, like an oil change every 3,000 miles.

Anonymous wrote:Do you all have scheduled sit downs with spouses to discuss issues? Such as things that you want to change in marriage, child raising or larger life issues?

Spouse and I have a great marriage and we talk frequently, but the bigger things seem to get pushed aside for later or we don't want to bring them up at the time they occur (such as in front of family). Is this a dumb idea? I'm an introspective person and spouse really isn't. I see a therapist and have really enjoyed going through lists of things that I'm thinking about.

Relationships are as exceptional and unique as the individuals involved. There are many couples out there who are rigidly organized, setting aside a specific time and day every week to address issues and air out grievances. Similarly, there are many couples out there who are strictly sporadic, having heart to heart talks and getting things off their chest whenever the mood or the moment dictates such. Neither are dumb ideas - whatever works for you...roll with it. If you'd like more structure and discipline to your discussions with your husband then make a suggestion and see what he says. He may be uncomfortable or skeptical initially but in all likelihood either there's an acceptable compromise you two can come to or at the very least its something he can "tolerate" every now and again and eventually come to appreciate in time. As we all know relationships are neither ready made nor custom fit, but its also important to remember that relationships are not set in stone either. Everything is subject to change in life and as we as individuals change so too do our relationships and both parties involved must adjust and adapt in order to sustain them.

Best of luck.

Anonymous wrote:We have our talks in bed, in a cuddling, intimate setting, followed by sex.

Us too (although they're not ALWAYS followed by sex, it is always a possibility). No scheduling or planning it out, really. Once we're snuggled up in bed we tend to talk for a while anyway, about whatever, so if something needs to be addressed that day, that is when one of us will bring it up.

I think a scheduled State of the Union address would be a great idea. Maybe once a month and you could do it over dinner/drinks? (maybe make it fun by trying someplace new?)

I'm not with my daughter's dad, but we do periodic catch-up sessions because otherwise we become total ships-passing-in-the-night and it's a good reminder that we do actually get along and enjoy conversation with each other.

We have a yearly lunch together on one of our boys birthdays in January. It's our State of the Union lunch where we talk about big picture things, goals for the future, issues with the kids or each other, family stuff, whatever is not getting addressed through our normal daily interaction (sometimes we don't have much to talk about .

It's basically a way to check in on how the other person is doing in their life (are they happy at work, at home, how can we as a team help work towards a better equilibrium).

I really love these lunches and we've been doing them since our first was 1 years old (it will be 8 times this January).

D and I have a running joke. He says that whenever I say "I want us to talk" it means "DH, here is some shit that I don't like that you have to change." He's mostly right. LOL!!

As far as scheduling time, the morning commute is normally the time. I commute 35 minutes and his commute is an hour. So if we have pressing issues, they are ususally discussed by phone in the morning. We occasionally have face to face chats about pressing issues. But we find that once the kids are in bed, it is not productive for us to get revved up for a discussion. We tend to use that time together for more pleasant interaction, whether it is watching a show, light banter or more intimate fare.

Anonymous wrote:Also, if a wife decides these sitdowns are 'a chance to air my grievances and transmit them all to my husband, and to hell with any concerns HE might have,' then they will work about as well as you'd think.

Thing is, when women are doing this, they think they're just engaging in healthy venting and that their husbands just need to be supportive. It's a terribly unhealthy dynamic IMHO, and I'm starting to be of the opinion that (1) ~80% of venting to a spouse is useless, (2) women really don't want to hear their husbands' feelings, and (3) men just want to either have sex, do something fun/useful, or be left alone.

haha I agree with most of that. 80% of venting probably is useless, but I still need someone to sit there and listen to it. And at the end, don't try to fix it. If my DH zoned out while I vented, that's fine, I just need someone to talk to and to get things off my chest.

The most dreaded phrase my wife utters is "I have to go to Target."

The second-most dreaded phrase is "I need to talk to you after the kids are in bed."