Anonymous
12/02/2013 07:40
Subject: Lost all Control in My Marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why do you not have a job? I don't get it.
Did you read her posts? About how her husband's job needed to take priority and the child care costs for three kids wouldn't make it worthwhile for her to work?
Yes, and OP, since you decided to do the "home things" (meals, kids, etc.) instead of work, just think of this as one of the home things that fall under your jurisdiction. It is a great way to feel more in control, because it's part of what you signed up to do. So do it, and pay for it like you would food, bills, etc., from the family income.
Anonymous
12/02/2013 07:33
Subject: Lost all Control in My Marriage
Anonymous wrote:This might be the end of the road in my 20 year marriage. I am so angry with my husband I could scream.
He does the bare minimum in our marriage. No date nights, no one on one time together, no initiative to help around the house, even basic safety issues. If I ask him to help me with something, he balks and will sulk like a child. I work very part time and regret that I do not have my own stash of cash to just hire someone and get this stuff done. I'm not at all materialistic, but I do like my home to be clean, attractive and have everything work. Oh, I also reduced my hours to support his worldwide travel. Daycare and babysitting was too expensive and I was paying out about what I made. He's the breadwinner.
So, I'm trapped. I'm sick of crying, screaming, even tried calming discussing how I need more of his help. He works and I do absolutely everything else...shopping, organizing, cleaning, driving, laundry, cooking...and I'm sick of it.
Tempted to go totally passive aggressive and simply stop doing everything...maybe if he doesn't have clean clothes, lightbulbs, a clean house and food he'll care? how do I crawl out of this hole?
Are you a task master? Do you both tell him what to do and how to do it? Do you second-guess him constantly? It's very interesting that you said you "lost control" in the marriage -- if you've been trying to control him for the last 20 years, it doesn't surprise me in the least that date nights dried up, etc.
Anonymous
12/02/2013 07:30
Subject: Lost all Control in My Marriage
I assume, of course, your mortgage is under $550k... if it's more, there really may not be the money and a move to a less fashionable or further out area may be in order.
With that said, no date night + whirlwind travel job? That sounds like a husband who's checked out. Doing everything at home is worth it IF it's for a guy that loves and appreciates you - which you don't appear to have.
With that said, no date night + whirlwind travel job? That sounds like a husband who's checked out. Doing everything at home is worth it IF it's for a guy that loves and appreciates you - which you don't appear to have.
DS63
12/02/2013 06:20
Subject: Lost all Control in My Marriage
NP here. All these suggestions for a handyman...well we have tried it (I am DH, and am not good at a lot of problems, plus, have medical issues limiting my energy). We have yet to find a competent handyman that will take on small jobs. We paid people to do things a few times, and each time, within a month or two, the problems reappeared.
I have no useful suggestions....we are in the same boat, and this could have been written by DW, except she knows why nothing is getting done. (I did fix dd's computer yesterday, though).
I have no useful suggestions....we are in the same boat, and this could have been written by DW, except she knows why nothing is getting done. (I did fix dd's computer yesterday, though).
Anonymous
12/02/2013 06:11
Subject: Lost all Control in My Marriage
Anonymous wrote:Why do you not have a job? I don't get it.
Did you read her posts? About how her husband's job needed to take priority and the child care costs for three kids wouldn't make it worthwhile for her to work?
Anonymous
12/02/2013 05:45
Subject: Re:Lost all Control in My Marriage
I am so sorry you are dealing w/all of this OP. I feel your pain. Your husband is acting selfish, irresponsible + very inconsiderate and it is very obvious to me he is taking you for granted. He is of the mindset that just because he is the primary breadwinner, you are supposed to keep the home fires burning. I say rubbish.
I like your idea about becoming passive aggressive. I say you "Go on strike."
Let he see what it will be like w/no clean underwear and wrinkly shirts. How about when he goes to the fridge and there is no juice for breakfast? Or God forbid the poor guy would have to wash his own plate if he wanted to have anything to eat off of.
Please keep us posted on what happens.
I can't wait to see.....
I like your idea about becoming passive aggressive. I say you "Go on strike."
Let he see what it will be like w/no clean underwear and wrinkly shirts. How about when he goes to the fridge and there is no juice for breakfast? Or God forbid the poor guy would have to wash his own plate if he wanted to have anything to eat off of.
Please keep us posted on what happens.
I can't wait to see.....
Anonymous
12/01/2013 22:54
Subject: Lost all Control in My Marriage
Why do you not have a job? I don't get it.
Anonymous
12/01/2013 22:27
Subject: Lost all Control in My Marriage
Are you depressed? It sounds like you are. What is the big deal about getting a handy man to fix things that need fixing. You are obviously in charge of the house. So what if your DH complains about the cost? Houses always need maintenance.
Maintenance costs are a given if you own your house.
Now, you should go see a doctor about being so unhappy. People need maintenance too. Good luck!
Maintenance costs are a given if you own your house.
Now, you should go see a doctor about being so unhappy. People need maintenance too. Good luck!
Anonymous
12/01/2013 22:24
Subject: Lost all Control in My Marriage
Look for a Handyman service that takes credit cards.
Anonymous
12/01/2013 22:21
Subject: Lost all Control in My Marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just call a handyman and get it all fixed?
Tried it. Husband says we can't afford to spend that kind of money or worse, he'll do it...sometime.
1) "Honey, we need to get this lock fixed before _____(insert anything here). So if you like, you can do it this weekend or next, and if it's not done by then I'll just call a handyman and get it done."
This is called a "fading opportunity" and is a real motivator, and if it fails, you get the lock fixed anyway.
or
2) Just call the handyman, get it done, write the check, all while he's traveling or at work. Especially traveling. He may not notice. Or, you say: "Honey while you were away the X broke and I needed to call a handyman. Well he was here anyways and has a minimum, so I just told him to fix the lock and repair the windowsill."
Please note these are fixes for the little things; sounds like the bigger things --your marriage--is another story. But at least you'll have the little things not biting at your heels.
Anonymous
12/01/2013 22:20
Subject: Lost all Control in My Marriage
And I can't work - I'm on a no-work spouse visa. Wonderful.
Anonymous
12/01/2013 22:19
Subject: Lost all Control in My Marriage
Oh God, OP, I am one dark entry way and lock away from you!
Hang in there. My parents lived very happily on one income, and I never imagined I could not trust my husband to pay for basic necessities and pay me a minimum of attention (hello, date night?).
The worst is that he always insists he will do the work himself, and that we cannot trust any handyman to do it. When he finally gets around to doing something, it's done perfectly too. I just have to wait several years for it. So I've started to do things myself, except that I resent being on duty 24/7 when he has a relatively non-stressful 9-5 job, gets home and does nothing except browse the internet. No child care, no cooking or washing up, NOTHING.
It did not use to be this way and I will have to get to the bottom of why things have changed for the worst. I need a break too occasionally, otherwise I can just as well go out by myself and hook up with someone else.
Hang in there. My parents lived very happily on one income, and I never imagined I could not trust my husband to pay for basic necessities and pay me a minimum of attention (hello, date night?).
The worst is that he always insists he will do the work himself, and that we cannot trust any handyman to do it. When he finally gets around to doing something, it's done perfectly too. I just have to wait several years for it. So I've started to do things myself, except that I resent being on duty 24/7 when he has a relatively non-stressful 9-5 job, gets home and does nothing except browse the internet. No child care, no cooking or washing up, NOTHING.
It did not use to be this way and I will have to get to the bottom of why things have changed for the worst. I need a break too occasionally, otherwise I can just as well go out by myself and hook up with someone else.
Anonymous
12/01/2013 22:18
Subject: Lost all Control in My Marriage
Your husband sounds uncaring, but I do agree that you will feel better if you take some control. It may not fix him, but I hope it fixes you. Your post makes me sad. I wish I knew you and could help.
Anonymous
12/01/2013 22:15
Subject: Lost all Control in My Marriage
Don't cry. Tomorrow is a new day, and you will feel much better taking control and getting it done!
Anonymous
12/01/2013 22:12
Subject: Lost all Control in My Marriage
Write checks for a handyman.
Make sure you have all passwords for all online bills and all joint accounts.
Your kids are all in school now, so get back to working full time.
Make sure you have all passwords for all online bills and all joint accounts.
Your kids are all in school now, so get back to working full time.