Anonymous wrote:She cannot understand your experiences until she has similar ones of her own. She does not believe in the seriousness of the situations and thinks you are making a big deal over something easily dealt with. All you can do is ignore her and understand that she lacks these experiences. We all do it to one another at some point.

This is exactly it. It's as if she has no ability to empathize

My mother use to try to egg me on like this. One day I just snapped and told her to STFU. I got a shell shocked look and she never tried it again.

That's not bullying for Christ's sake.

You wanna shut her down? Fake smile, say "That's nice" and change the subject or leave the room.

"What have you been eating? You look like you've put on weight!"
*fake smile* "That's nice. Who want's some more punch?"

"Dear you're spoiling that baby! He'll never ___ if you keep ___"
*fake smile* "That's nice. I think someone needs a new diaper" *leave the room*

"I'm not sure that hairstyle suits you, hon"
*fake smile* "That's nice. I'm gonna go [insert excuse here]" *then leave the room*

If you really want to be bitchy you can substitute any of the following:

"How nice for you!"
"I'm sorry you feel that way"
"Wow. I can't believe you said that out loud"

The point is to use the same response over and over and over again until she gets that she's not going to get the satisfaction of a response from you anymore. If you engage her and let her drag you into a *discussion* about your issues with her again then she wins. Don't let her win. And when she leaves, have a big pan of brownies and a glass of wine to wash em down with.

She cannot understand your experiences until she has similar ones of her own. She does not believe in the seriousness of the situations and thinks you are making a big deal over something easily dealt with. All you can do is ignore her and understand that she lacks these experiences. We all do it to one another at some point.

NP here. She's a narcissist and will always say this kind of stuff because she can't stand that she doesn't have it worse (if that's what's getting attention) or better (if that's what's getting attention) than everyone else in the room. No suggestions, I distance and minimize contact with relatives like this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm not trying to change her, I want her to know that she's acting like a bully when she says these things. I don't know if its a getting older thing, but she thinks she can just say whatever she wants to me. I've tried to explain to her how these comments (specifically in the examples provided) are ridiculous, but not that they're insulting and mean.

Lawyer PP, I can definitely relate. I do think she has some insecurities. I know that she was bullied when she was younger and projected some of that stuff onto me with her backhanded complements (the good hair/bad hair crap)

OP, you've stated that you have tried to address this head-on. That approach eggs her on. Completely ignore her, as other posters have suggested. You are feeding into her need for attention.

+100000
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

You keep trying to come up with that magical phrase or line that will cause her to see how ridiculous her statements are. THAT WILL NOT HAPPEN. The only way to deal with this is to stop engaging her and ignore. Just say "okay," and move on.

re "I want her to know she's acting like a bully…"

Listen to 18:00 above and the comical shampoo dialog by PP on page 1 and a few more above.

Wanting her to know ANYTHING is playing into it. Stop engaging this behavior. Stop trying to teach her anything--you want to teach her about yourself, who you are, where you are coming from--just stop. She is invested in NOT seeing you or your DD or the peanut allergy or the anxiety the way you want her to see it. For some sick reason, for her to see it the way you see it, and give it the gravity you give it, is for you to WIN--and she doesn't want that, so she won't do it. Understanding and agreement, for greater intimacy between you is YOUR goal, not hers. One-upping and winning is her goal, at the expense of the closeness of your relationship.

If you realize this, and adapt to it, you will be much calmer around her. Side-benefit. As a PP said, you will have to mourn the loss of your ideal to be closer to her.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm not trying to change her, I want her to know that she's acting like a bully when she says these things. I don't know if its a getting older thing, but she thinks she can just say whatever she wants to me. I've tried to explain to her how these comments (specifically in the examples provided) are ridiculous, but not that they're insulting and mean.

Lawyer PP, I can definitely relate. I do think she has some insecurities. I know that she was bullied when she was younger and projected some of that stuff onto me with her backhanded complements (the good hair/bad hair crap)

OP, you've stated that you have tried to address this head-on. That approach eggs her on. Completely ignore her, as other posters have suggested. You are feeding into her need for attention.

Also, I know that in a few years, she will be in really bad end-of-life state because she does not take care of her health... visualizing her in that awful state, through her own silly inaction, makes me want to have the best relationship with her I can possibly have while she's there.

NP here.
We have the same mother

Seriously, some of it may be due to age, but most of it is just a cry for attention and poor self-esteem: "Let me invent some problems because I'm tired of listening to yours and I don't want to actually spend effort in fixing my REAL problems, like chain-smoking and not going to the physical therapist like I should!".

I do my best to rise above it, but fail pretty often because my brain interprets these insensitive comments as a proof that she doesn't understand nor cares about me. Which is not true - my mother adores me, but I'm her punching bag as well. It's complicated.

I know that over the phone, i can hang up any time. We only visit her for less than 2 weeks at a time once every year or once every 2 years. Only way to stay amicable.

OP is disrespectful to Mom. If you were my daughter I'd never visit or call you. Ungrateful drama princess.

OP here. I'm not trying to change her, I want her to know that she's acting like a bully when she says these things. I don't know if its a getting older thing, but she thinks she can just say whatever she wants to me. I've tried to explain to her how these comments (specifically in the examples provided) are ridiculous, but not that they're insulting and mean.

Lawyer PP, I can definitely relate. I do think she has some insecurities. I know that she was bullied when she was younger and projected some of that stuff onto me with her backhanded complements (the good hair/bad hair crap)

My mom does this - tells me about the new diet trends and how she's soy, dairy, egg, and gluten free - and now vegan. She's very sanctimonious about it and loves to tell me what to eat - but she's 50lbs overweight, doesn't exercise, and constantly makes exceptions when she wants to. She'll be fastidious if I'm cooking and then tell me 2 days later that she and my father has cheesecake or French toast.

We all just ignore her when she says this crap because we know she's deluded.

Ignore or blank stare, or as a last ditch...okay, yep, you are right, end of conversation....