I wonder if the posters who think DD is in the wrong are divorced.

Your DD is 21 and very definitely an adult. Tell your ex if he has an issue with her to discuss it with her.

Your kid is too old to need you to navigate her relationship with her dad.

Stay out of it.

Your DD is being a brat and needs to grow up.

As a mom, and an adult, you need to guide your adult child in how to act because she clearly hasn't learned.

The situation you describe sounds like how a teenager acts - sulky and obnoxious because it her dad's "girl friend" and so she isn't going to be nice, blah, blah, blah. An adult should be able to come home, be polite to their family members- make small talk, be considerate of their time and space, and spend time with them to build relationships. If she doesn't desire that, that's fine, but it's called getting a roommate and paying rent.

Sure she is tired and all that but sitting down to half hour of tv or dinner isn't going to make or break anyone's schedule.

I think your DD is the unreasonable one. The GF has been around for two years (which is a long term relationship, despite what the PP said). DD will never establish a relationship with her if she retreats to her bedroom everytime the GF shows up.

But, having said that, if she would rather relax with her dad on the nights when she sees him, she can just tell him that. A compromise would be to go out to dinner with the GF -- that way there is a definitive start and stopping time to the visit with the GF, but your DD is at least making an effort to bond with someone important to her father. I bet if your DD had a BF she would expect her dad to spend time with him.

I have a 21-year-old DD (college senior), and I don't think going to her room to study or do whatever is either unusual or unreasonable. Personally, I don't think the GF should be making any demands of the 21-year-old -- overtures, fine, but not demands.

However, I would just listen to my daughter and try not to get caught in the middle. Just empathize, and ask open-ended questions. It's for she and her dad to work out.

It doesn't sound like OP's daughter is being impolite. Her father wants her to BEFRIEND his GF. You can't force these things. OP, the GF sounds like a wackadoodle. I bet the GF's flipping because she views the DD as an obstacle to getting your ex to commit. But he'd commit if he wanted to commit. Your daughter is better staying out of this triangulation. Can she tell her father she loves him, and respects his relationship, and will have a meal or do something with her but not hang all afternoon or whatever because she has other demands on her time? The worst thing a parent can do in these situations is force things! Good luck to you and to her, OP!

He should marry or live with her after two years, I would think. Maybe the daughter knows it's not going to last...

They both sound a little unreasonable. They need to learn to share Dad. DD should tell her Dad that she wants to have some weekends that are just her and her Dad. She should also tell him that she doesn't like sharing her Dad, but she is willing to do it. Then she should spend some time with GF on other weekends.

Well, if all is as you state, the GF and your ex are quite unreasonable. I particularly dislike the way her father accuses your DD of being ungrateful for all he's done. All he's done is his duty as a parent - why on earth should that come with strings? That is a very unhealthy view of the situation and quite immature, IMO. He needs to understand that being best friends with his GF is NOT an obligation, and that it has to come naturally and could take many years. And sorry, a 2 year relationship is not a long one in my book.

However OP, you should be not be running interference. Your DD should be the one telling all this to her father. This is a father-daughter conversation that needs to happen in private without you or the GF.

"Why does the GF need to come over while the daughter is visiting her dad once a week? Maybe the daughter wants some dad time without the The dad needs to get a clue."

If that is the case, then OP needs to teach her daughter how to not be a doormat and express here feelings to her dad.

As an adult in my 30's when I'm at my parents house 1 or so times per year. I stil "hide" in my childhood bedroom when anyone comes over. No big deal. If I don't know the people or don't want to be around them I act like I'm not there. Her behavior seems normal to me as that's what I would do

Without the GF

Why does the GF need to come over while the daughter is visiting her dad once a week? Maybe the daughter wants some dad time without the The dad needs to get a clue.

She's an adult, which means she needs to learn to not act rudely. Right now, she is being rude by hiding in her room. She doesn't need to put effort into maintaining a relationship with the GF during the rest of the week (such as emails, calls, texts), though it would be nice for her dad's sake that she consider doing that if GF stays a part of dad's life. But she does have to interact politely with GF when she's at dad's house. If she feels that GF is pushing too hard (asking personal questions, for instance), then she needs to be an adult and talk to dad about having GF back off. I think your job is to educate her about what being a polite adult entails, and how to work through these issues in an adult manner.

There is no reason for her to spend time with anyone she doesn't want to. She's an adult, she doesn't need to justify her behavior to anyone.

Of course, the consequence of that is that she may not be invited back to Dad's house.