First of all, your parents or in laws had no say in you choosing to have babies close together despite a (serious?) medical condition. Maybe that in and of itself is scary to them. If they shutdown with medical crisis then that would explain why they don't want to be there after birth.

Second, you DO have a right to be upset about the situation, but try not to let the bad feelings pour over into your relationship with your husband. That will only make things worse because he is all the support you have.

Finally, reach out and ask them to visit. Stop being so passive. If they turn you down then you've lost nothing, but my guess is they are waiting for your lead. After all, new Mom always calls the shots on family visits after birth.

Did they visit with your first? How did you or they arrange that?

I had a c-section with my second and was fine without help past my husband's two-week paternity leave. Sorry for the dysfunction you have to deal with, OP, but you should be ok if there aren't some unexpected complications. And in that case, there are people avaiable for hire. Good luck.

Typo! I meant what I love about DCUM not live.

And I still maintain 14:40 is a piece of shit. No typo there.

I hope you're sick one day and no one shows up to help.

What I live about DCUM is how quickly assholes jump on the back of people who are down.

PP you sound like a real piece of shit.

Your ILS are under no obligation to wait on you. Hire someone and this petson does have an obligation to help you but I doubt this petson will stick around very long. You sound impossible.

Agree friends can be much better than family, but here inlaws promised they would come and reneged on that promise. That's messed up if you ask me.

Don't know why everyone seems to give the inlaws a pass despite that.

Also not everyone has tons of friends they can rely on, frankly. DC isn't the friendliest city, especially to newcomers. Just read most DCUM responses- not a friendly bunch.

Maybe It

Anonymous wrote:Ooh and I also love the repeated advice to "lean on friends" because that's who you can really count on these days, not blood relations!

That is pretty sad if you ask me.

Yes it is sad. But, I think I think it sad for a different reason. You obviously haven't met anyone like my family of origin. One of the first lessons I learned was that I can't depend upon my family for anything. Yet, I have some really great friends who have been with me through thick and thin.....As an adult, I believe I get to choose my family. Some blood member are in it, some aren't. It's so much better this way!

Ooh and I also love the repeated advice to "lean on friends" because that's who you can really count on these days, not blood relations!

That is pretty sad if you ask me.

I love the advice given here. I don't like hospitals and sick people, so the next time I have a sick relative I'm just going to say "hospitals overwhelm me, I'm going on an art retreat!". And then once the relative is better, I will be back to socialize again. But only when it's more fun for me. Not during the icky "sick phase"!

Thanks DCUM!

Damn woman. Your husband will see you well through the recovery. You're very lucky he gets 2-3 weeks off. Why on earth are you having a second child if you depend on so much help?

Troll.

In original post OP says "my other child," meaning there's only one, and in a subsequent post she says her in-laws feel overwhelmed around "my children." I doubt the ILs feel overwhelmed around the fetus because it's "high energy."

So let me get this straight ...

You are cutting off your parents and sister and want nothing to do with them! They are terrible people who shouldn't be around children and didn't treat you well as a child. But you expect them to come stay with you and help you out after the birth of your child and are very disappointed that they are not doing so.

Your IL's are overwhelmed by the care of small children making them poor candidates for someone to assist with the care of small children. But you expect them to come and stay with you and help you out after the birth of your child and your are very disappointed that they are not doing so.

You are mad at your DH for accepting that his parents don't do well with small children by themselves as well as the fact that they have their own life. But you expect him to not be accepting and tell his parents they are miserable grandparents and people.

Honestly, it sounds as if having any family around would be more stressful than helpful. Hire someone if you need someone. My in-laws were here when our second was born to "help" since I had a c-section, and I still was going up and down the stairs. Hire a babysitter to help with your older child.

Sorry about the abandonment, but you have to make a clean break or none. It's hard to be in the middle.

OP, I am sorry about your parents. I really am. They sound horrible and to have had your trust abused by people who are supposed to care for you is really difficult.

However, your sense of how horrible your parents are (which is likely correct) has inured you to realizing that not all other parents are gods gift. They don't all come rushing to help you.

I think your DH is being unreasonable to expect that you should have your mom back in your life just to help with the baby. But you are also being unreasonable to expect his parents to step up. They have other priorities in life and frankly don't feel up to the task of caring for a newborn and toddler. That's not unreasonable. They are older, and from what you say have been sick. They are being honest that they can't do it. Believe them and don't resent them.

you and your DH both need to agree that neither MIL is coming and figure out how to get you what you need. You may need a helper for a few hours a day while your husband is at work, or all day if you can afford it, for a month or so until you are feeling physically able. Shell out the money. It's well worth it and you will be fine. If you can't afford it, now is the time to call on your friends for help when they can with the promise that you will return it later.

We all figure out how to deal in this world. You also need to dial down the drama -- it is not true that your in laws don't care about their grandchild. They just admit honestly that they cannot babysit for him or her.