Anonymous
11/27/2013 19:36
Subject: how do you deal with a sibling who just doesn't care about family?
Anonymous wrote:My DH was the third boy in his family, followed by a baby girl. There are only 2 pictures we have of him younger than 5, but a whole album of his sister. One older brother was a gifted musician (now professional) who got all the family's focus and attention. The second son was a gifted athlete. When my DH wanted to do boy scouts, there wasn't time because of music practices and sports games and yes, even girl scouts for his younger sister. He was literally the afterthought in every way. He was sexually abused and didn't feel like he could tell anyone because no one paid attention to him. He started smoking pot in middle school and no one noticed.
His brighter came to stay with us last year and confided in me that he's mad that my DH blew off family so much until I came on the scene, talking about how They all had such a great childhood and DH doesn't appreciate it. He was like, "We all had music lessons, sports, our parents went to all of our events" blah blah, and I was like, um, "Phil" didnt get music lessons. (He didn't?) He didn't get to be in any sports teams, go to camp, join Boy Scouts, etc. his brother was flummoxed. "But I'm sure we went to Phil's stuff...let me see...um..." Yeah, no. Of course I don't say anything about the sexual abuse, I just said, "You had a vet different childhood from your brother's. It sounds like yours was happy, but even though you lived in the same house, you didn't have identical memories."
Could be some of that going on. You don't need to take it personally.
Wow, you're husband is very fortunate to have a wife like you, continued happiness to you both.
Anonymous
11/27/2013 11:43
Subject: how do you deal with a sibling who just doesn't care about family?
My DH was the third boy in his family, followed by a baby girl. There are only 2 pictures we have of him younger than 5, but a whole album of his sister. One older brother was a gifted musician (now professional) who got all the family's focus and attention. The second son was a gifted athlete. When my DH wanted to do boy scouts, there wasn't time because of music practices and sports games and yes, even girl scouts for his younger sister. He was literally the afterthought in every way. He was sexually abused and didn't feel like he could tell anyone because no one paid attention to him. He started smoking pot in middle school and no one noticed.
His brighter came to stay with us last year and confided in me that he's mad that my DH blew off family so much until I came on the scene, talking about how They all had such a great childhood and DH doesn't appreciate it. He was like, "We all had music lessons, sports, our parents went to all of our events" blah blah, and I was like, um, "Phil" didnt get music lessons. (He didn't?) He didn't get to be in any sports teams, go to camp, join Boy Scouts, etc. his brother was flummoxed. "But I'm sure we went to Phil's stuff...let me see...um..." Yeah, no. Of course I don't say anything about the sexual abuse, I just said, "You had a vet different childhood from your brother's. It sounds like yours was happy, but even though you lived in the same house, you didn't have identical memories."
Could be some of that going on. You don't need to take it personally.
His brighter came to stay with us last year and confided in me that he's mad that my DH blew off family so much until I came on the scene, talking about how They all had such a great childhood and DH doesn't appreciate it. He was like, "We all had music lessons, sports, our parents went to all of our events" blah blah, and I was like, um, "Phil" didnt get music lessons. (He didn't?) He didn't get to be in any sports teams, go to camp, join Boy Scouts, etc. his brother was flummoxed. "But I'm sure we went to Phil's stuff...let me see...um..." Yeah, no. Of course I don't say anything about the sexual abuse, I just said, "You had a vet different childhood from your brother's. It sounds like yours was happy, but even though you lived in the same house, you didn't have identical memories."
Could be some of that going on. You don't need to take it personally.
Anonymous
11/27/2013 09:34
Subject: how do you deal with a sibling who just doesn't care about family?
I could have written your post OP. My brother is exactly like this. He even complains that he has "too much vacation" at the end of the year, use it or lose it, and STILL makes no effort to attend any family functions. We then oooooh and aaaaaah over his trips to Jamaica. Which is fine, it's his money, but it's a definite message he's sending.
I finally decided, "message received, loud and clear." I invite him to nothing anymore, send him no pictures of my daughter, I just removed him from my life. I'm a lot happier, and so is my husband who can't stand my brother.
He's not married, probably won't ever be (he's 47 and VERY set in his ways) and I wonder how he'll be in his later years. But really, it's not my concern any more. If he reaches out, of course I'll be there, but I won't be instigating any contact.
I finally decided, "message received, loud and clear." I invite him to nothing anymore, send him no pictures of my daughter, I just removed him from my life. I'm a lot happier, and so is my husband who can't stand my brother.
He's not married, probably won't ever be (he's 47 and VERY set in his ways) and I wonder how he'll be in his later years. But really, it's not my concern any more. If he reaches out, of course I'll be there, but I won't be instigating any contact.
Anonymous
11/26/2013 17:58
Subject: how do you deal with a sibling who just doesn't care about family?
Anonymous wrote:Maybe your Brother just doesn't get along well with your parents/family?
My family accused me of behavior like this, but they made my life miserable when I did visit. Eventually I just never made time for them. They wanted to know why, and to avoid a fight I just made excuses similar to your brother. I didn't want to bring up old grievances.
I would give him the benefit of the doubt for your own sanity.
+1000
Anonymous
11/26/2013 16:00
Subject: how do you deal with a sibling who just doesn't care about family?
My sister, who I was very close to before I had kids, has really distanced herself since I did. She didn't even call/text or write to congratulate me after my daughter was born. She comes around occassionally and is really great with the kids when she is there. But it's very rare and like you, she doesn't respond when I reach out and her visits are always last-minute arrangements where we all have to scramble to accomodate her. We do it because we love her. But the distance and her lack of interest in my kids after we were so close before makes me really really sad.
Anonymous
11/26/2013 13:55
Subject: how do you deal with a sibling who just doesn't care about family?
OMG -- somebody is upset because a sibling scheduled a vacation during the time the poster was due.
Really -- your baby could be weeks late, but I guess the sibling should just plan her life around your baby making?
Some of you are just plain ridiculous.
I love, love, love my family, both near and far, but DANNNGGG, I understand that people have separate lives, issues, etc. that does not mean we can always be in sync about schedules, vacations, get-togethers. WOW!
Really -- your baby could be weeks late, but I guess the sibling should just plan her life around your baby making?
Some of you are just plain ridiculous.
I love, love, love my family, both near and far, but DANNNGGG, I understand that people have separate lives, issues, etc. that does not mean we can always be in sync about schedules, vacations, get-togethers. WOW!
Anonymous
11/26/2013 13:52
Subject: how do you deal with a sibling who just doesn't care about family?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am still trying to figure out how a 'couple of weeks' ahead of time is last minute. I am very into family, and we just do not and usually cannot make and announce travel plans MONTHS in advance. When we make the final plans, we let folks know.
Really? She mentioned family in the Midwest. This isn't just a weekend trip. I bet the OP's boss would like to know when she's taking vacation days more than a couple weeks in advance, and if her parents or the ILs have to take any time off, that needs to be arranged too.
OP, I'm an only child, so I can't tell you what to do about your sibling, but I can say in my situation that it's really important to have friends who are like family. Maybe you're in the same boat. It sucks about your siblings, though.
Ok then I guess OP needs to more than a couple weeks in advance, but not necessarily expect to have her sibling plan as far out, maybe he cannot.
Anonymous
11/26/2013 13:27
Subject: how do you deal with a sibling who just doesn't care about family?
Anonymous wrote:We are trying to come to terms with the same thing. A sibling who scheduled a vacation when our baby was due, who has never visited our New home even though we are within driving distance and have given very specific invites multiple times. We don't miss out of town family events if we can help it and she does nothing. It's insulting and hurtful, but family is just not her priority. We can't make her care. Very frustrating, but this is life, I guess.
Totally in the same boat except with my parents and siblings. My extended family is so happy with my children and visits often, but my immediate family is really weird. If I don't come to their events, I'm a jerk. But asking them to visit in return (just like you, specific invitations), is too much for them. Some people are just selfish and we are better off in the long run. It's hard to feel that way around the holidays though.
You have my sympathies.