Hope you had a decent holiday, OP. I've been thinking of you and sending good vibes your way.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. You need a new therapist and writing coach.

WTF is wrong with you?

Definitely check out Al-Anon.

I'm sorry. You need a new therapist and writing coach.

Anonymous wrote:Checking in, OP. How are you this morning? How was last night? What nice thing are you going to do for yourself today?

Thanks for checking in. The nice thing I did/am doing for myself today is getting some work done! It's been nice to have a productive day for a change.

I mentioned the PPs' "you do you" construct to my older sister last night, and she (and I) loved it. I have been trying to put that into action. We both thought I gopt better advice here than I have been getting for $180 an hour.

I also have started looking into getting a new therapist. As a happy side accident of this, I said to DH this morning that if he was not goig to go to the therapist that I researched for him (with a specialty in substance abuse issues) to please let me know because I would go to that person. We discussed why I wanted to change from my therapist and I gave him a few examples without going into the alternate reality thing. That's when he told me he went to see the therapist yesterday and has a follow up next week! The PP who said to do my own thing was right. He would never have told me that if I was checking up on him

We'll see. We have a long road ahead of us and heaven only knows what he is telling the therapist. Hopefully there will be progress. If not, I know I have some hard choices to make.

Good luck to all the others struggling regardless of the reason. Still loving all DCUMs today! Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

Your DH obviously has a problem with alcohol. When alcohol becomes this much of an issue in one's life and relationship, it's a problem. If he was NOT an alcoholic he would not be so obsessed with having to give up drinking.

Either stick to your guns, which is fighting for him and your marriage, or give up on the drunk and get out. Your choice.

Checking in, OP. How are you this morning? How was last night? What nice thing are you going to do for yourself today?

Anonymous wrote:That's putting too much on you - "show him an alternate reality and incentivize him not to drink by making him invested in what we have now". I don't even know what that means, exactly. Your therapist does not sound experienced in this area. Al-anon would probably be more helpful to you at this point.

+1

Anonymous wrote:Good luck, OP! We are rooting for you! (tearing up while I read your last post)

And I teared up reading yours. Today I am thankful for DCUM. Mwah! Next week I may be debating with somebody on a thread about some trivial thing, but today I love you guys - every single one.

Anonymous wrote:OP--has he really not had a drink in a few weeks? If so, that is great. No sneaking?

My DH won't admit to any problem (except for me being a bitch about him drinking-that is the problem in his mind).
I'm pretty sure he drinks every night. Sometimes after everyone else goes to bed. He goes to the garage to drink. I know-all pretty clear signs.
Not sure what to do but I admire that you took a stand and made progress happen.
I can't imagine my dh going a whole week without a drink...

No sneaking as far as I know. Since there is only one bottle of booze in the house (that I know of - which I realize is a huge caveat), it is pretty easy to check.

Believe me, don't be too impressed. This is not my first time down this path. It is the first time I involved his parents (his sister did know the last time things got really bad). It isn't the first time I instituted I drinking ban, although the last one three years ago (that failed after a few months) was only we couldn't drink in the house at all. This was the first time I told him I htought he had a problem with alcohol that he needed outside help with. He denied it all but somehow has kept the ban. It is now starting to chafe at him (as it did last time; since he could not get hammered outside the house and then drive home, it was about how he didn't want to even have one drink outside the house and drive so I HAD to let him drink in the house). The drinking by himself and not as a social activity, not even with me is a huge red flag. Sounds like you have the same flag flying at your house.

Part of what gave me the push to talk to his parents this time was that we went away for the weekend for a social thing. I had told him I thought we shouldn't drink but when we got there a good friend of his offered to buy us a drink and I stupidly agreed (I guess I wanted to be "normal"), so he got his usual hard liquor and I got a glass of wine. Then he had another. Then when I woke up the next morning I also saw the empties from the minibar he drank after I went to sleep. I don't know what it was, but something about that just hit me. And I went home and told his mother all about it. We went from there. Someday you, too, will have a sign that it is time to try another step. I hope you get good advice. I have seen recommendations for people specialized in addiction on here that have guided other people who had alcoholic spouses, so I hope you find someone good. I may change therapists as well. Good luck to you, too. I'll be rooting for you and hoping somehow your path is an easier one, although there doesn't seem to be anything easy about a spouse with an alcohol problem.

Good luck, OP! We are rooting for you! (tearing up while I read your last post)

Thanks 16:59 and 17:08. I will give that a try. Obviously asking him about the therapist isn't working, so I'll just shut up and carry on like we are an alcohol free house and do my thing. If he asks me if he can drink I'll tell him what I think, but I will do no unsolicited pushing. As you say, if he can't do what he promised then that will become clear and I will have to decide what to do.

The year thing was really just to get him to see some shorter goal than forever, which is really my goal. And I don't think it is right for me to go to a work thing and drink when I have told him I don't want him to. So I will keep the agreement even if he doesn't.

Letting go is hard. I'm not good at it because with everything else if I push hard and work hard I can get it done. This isn't doing that. So I will have to let go. I am letting this consume me and I am not sleeping and not getting stuff done at work today because I am obsessing about this. I should start a new thread: How Does A Type A Person Learn To Let Go? But you are right. I have to "do me". And I have to take care of me. So off I go to try (well, after a quick respnse to the other PP with the garage drinker DH).

Agree with 16:59, OP. Take care of yourself. Stop trying to get your dh to see your wisdom. He doesn't want to just now.

Think of what happens when you set limits for the first time with a kid. The kid keeps pushing and pushing, thinking that eventually you'll give in - so things get worse for awhile before they get better. You don't think why doesn't my child understand me. You think I'm going to be the mom and hold my ground and kid doesn't have to understand why this is good for them.

Okay - so it's not the same with your husband exactly because he's not a kid (and it would be condescending to treat him like one) but think of this as something that drunks do. It's not about you, it's about the disease of alcoholism. He is not going to understand that any time soon. And you may find that he won't ever understand that and you'll have to decide whether to leave him.

But just accept that he is not going to agree with you about what is wrong and take care of yourself. 16:59's advice is very good.

OP--has he really not had a drink in a few weeks? If so, that is great. No sneaking?

My DH won't admit to any problem (except for me being a bitch about him drinking-that is the problem in his mind).
I'm pretty sure he drinks every night. Sometimes after everyone else goes to bed. He goes to the garage to drink. I know-all pretty clear signs.
Not sure what to do but I admire that you took a stand and made progress happen.
I can't imagine my dh going a whole week without a drink...

You do you, OP. You go to your therapist, work on yourself, and maintain your sobriety. If a year without a drink is your goal, go get it.

If/when he gets rude, just state the obvious: "I'm over here, doing my thing. You do you." And then stay out of it. You can't "make" him stop any more than you can "let" him drink. He's going to have to make his own choices and deal with the consequences.

I suspect there's some co-dependent entanglement here. Once you disengage, you may find he's more likely to join you willingly. Sounds weird, but it's usually true.

Take care of yourself.