OP...
thanks to those of you with the sense of humor, it's the first laugh I've had about this ridiculous holiday in weeks (20 people at my house, I've got twins and a toddler already, like i needed any more chaos)
We're getting a brined turkey from WF and planning to roast upside down... the debate is now about the flavoring (SIL prefers something sweet with apple cider, I've always gone with garlic powder, paprika, salt and pepper)