Anonymous
Post 11/21/2013 10:07     Subject: How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
Wow, no idea why people are being so mean about this question. Sounds like a very legitimate issue to me.

OP, losing a teleworking day and adding a lot of unpredictable evening commitments - plus logging back on at night - is a HUGE change. Especially for no more money! Did you guys talk about this together before he decided to take the promotion? I agree with the PP above who laid out the three options - a less time consuming job for DH; you take up slack; or you hire out.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2013 10:05     Subject: How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think you should accept it. My husband's job has a lot more flexibility than mine. He takes DS to almost all of his doctor's appointments. We cannot change the expectations of our respective jobs, and the market is not good to be looking for new jobs. Whenever I can, I take off to try to do a few appointments, but it isn't possible for me to do the majority of them. It is possible for DH to do so. Not everything will be equal, that is the reality of life.


+1 to to everything above and especially the bolded.

DS is 2. DH works less hours than I do and 5 minutes from our home whereas I work longer hours and have to commute into DC everday.

DH does day care drop off and pick up plus most doctor's appointments. I know that he's resentful bc he's mentioned it before but this is the set up that we've always had from the beginning. It did not suddenly morph into this.

I've told him I have no problem doing daycare drop off but it does mean that we will have to drop off at 2.5 hours early which means we will have to pay for an extra 12.5 hours of day care per week. I'm fine with paying more but DH is not because he gets paid less than I do and is already struggling to put in his half of the household payments. We also have a brand new baby who will start day care soon which will effectively double our daycare payments.

It's going to be very difficult in any situation for things to be split EXACTLY down the middle. I think it's best to take a look at the common good of the household when these kinds of decisions need to be made.



PP... I feel badly for your husband! Do you really split the expenses evenly in half despite having different incomes? I thought most couples put income in a common pot that expenses then come out of... I think your husband might be resenting more than doing more of the drop-offs and appointments! I would if I were him.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2013 09:59     Subject: How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't anyone question the insanity of working so many hours?


Because life is HARD. The economy is BAD. Good jobs are not exactly plentiful. People do what they have to do to put food on the table. My father died when my mother was pregnant with my sister, which was her 3rd child. She went from being a homemaker to working not ONE but TWO jobs.

It's life babe. Nobody said it would be easy.


I've been saying this since we moved here after my husband finished law school, but I feel like I've been here so long its just "normal" now. OP, my husband makes the lion's share of the income and most of what we have/do (this specific house, the trips we take, the cars we drive, the classes for the kids) would be greatly different if we didn't have his income. I do a lot for the household, BUT I don't work full time like you do and I know it would really bug me if I did. Does your DH make a lot more than you? Is there some huge upside potential to his career? To what end is all of this sacrifice?


I moved here from London when I was 28 and am now a citizen. I love my country and I love being an American. However, I do not think Americans realize how incredibly hard it is to survive in America and this is because you were born to this hard life. You have many great luxuries that I never dreamed of having in the UK, but it comes at a price. The grueling pace at which people work was really hard for me to adjust to.


I am the PP above you, and I completely agree with you. I think it is so sad that I have to wonder if my DH will be home for dinner (usually yes, but never certain) and that he has to feel guilty leaving work at 6pm!! Isn't 8-6pm, 5 days a week enough? When and who decided that to "make it" or get promoted or get the good jobs this is not enough?!?!
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2013 09:57     Subject: How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't anyone question the insanity of working so many hours?


Because life is HARD. The economy is BAD. Good jobs are not exactly plentiful. People do what they have to do to put food on the table. My father died when my mother was pregnant with my sister, which was her 3rd child. She went from being a homemaker to working not ONE but TWO jobs.

It's life babe. Nobody said it would be easy.


I've been saying this since we moved here after my husband finished law school, but I feel like I've been here so long its just "normal" now. OP, my husband makes the lion's share of the income and most of what we have/do (this specific house, the trips we take, the cars we drive, the classes for the kids) would be greatly different if we didn't have his income. I do a lot for the household, BUT I don't work full time like you do and I know it would really bug me if I did. Does your DH make a lot more than you? Is there some huge upside potential to his career? To what end is all of this sacrifice?


I moved here from London when I was 28 and am now a citizen. I love my country and I love being an American. However, I do not think Americans realize how incredibly hard it is to survive in America and this is because you were born to this hard life. You have many great luxuries that I never dreamed of having in the UK, but it comes at a price. The grueling pace at which people work was really hard for me to adjust to.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2013 09:42     Subject: Re:How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think what might be driving my resentment some isn't just the appts, but also that now every night, as soon as DH gets home, he logs back on (gets off for dinner, bath, and bed) and is on until 11.30 each night. All the stuff we used to share- cleaning up, getting kids' lunches and items prepped for the next day, etc.- usually falls on me now.

I agree that he should push back and say enough is enough at work, but...his job is the type where that means he's canceling meetings with Assistant Secretaries, Congressional members, etc. He should be able to, but in practice, it just wouldn't fly. Hopefully as things settle into place, he can start delegating responsibilities.

We have no family here to help out and I would not necessarily want a babysitter taking DS to his specialist appts anyway.


Well, here's your real problem. You can't fix having to do most of the appointments. My DH travels a fair bit for part of the year, so I do the majority of those things during that time. We have a policy that if he can, say, handle a sick day with our son or an appointment, he does, knowing that parts of the year I'll be doing virtually all of it.

But coming home and logging back on does sound like your real problem, and I think you need to talk about it. Is this part of him adjusting to the new job? Can he commit to only x nights per week? Did you talk about how this new job would affect your at-home work patterns, or did this come as a surprise? Does his promotion allow you to outsource something you hadn't been outsourcing before, like hiring a cleaning service? When are you and DH getting any time as a couple?

Try to find a time to talk about it--send him an e-mail asking him for some time if you have to, or bring it up at a weekly date night. I find that my DH often feels guilty when his work takes more hours, but he doesn't always say how appreciative he is of what I am doing until he gets to pause for a breath himself.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2013 09:35     Subject: How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't anyone question the insanity of working so many hours?


Because life is HARD. The economy is BAD. Good jobs are not exactly plentiful. People do what they have to do to put food on the table. My father died when my mother was pregnant with my sister, which was her 3rd child. She went from being a homemaker to working not ONE but TWO jobs.

It's life babe. Nobody said it would be easy.


I've been saying this since we moved here after my husband finished law school, but I feel like I've been here so long its just "normal" now. OP, my husband makes the lion's share of the income and most of what we have/do (this specific house, the trips we take, the cars we drive, the classes for the kids) would be greatly different if we didn't have his income. I do a lot for the household, BUT I don't work full time like you do and I know it would really bug me if I did. Does your DH make a lot more than you? Is there some huge upside potential to his career? To what end is all of this sacrifice?
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2013 09:28     Subject: How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Things can't be fair and you can't keep score. You need to focus on the greater good of the family.


Both parents need to do this. IME, it is difficult for both parents to have fulltime bigtime careers and have typical healthy children with out major outside support. Some people rely on family, some hire a higher level nanny, some end up sacrificing one of the careers for a more family freindly one or sah for a while. When you add a child that has more needs than the average- it is even harder.

The options are for your DH to find a less stressful and time consuming job that is more family friendly, for you (OP) to pick up the slack, or for you (plural) to hire it out - or hire out other things so you can do the DRs visits. Things you can hire out easily: lawncare, house cleaning, taking kids to after school activities/tutors/therapies, cooking, grocery shopping. (If you get paid the big bucks, sometimes you need to spend the big bucks to get time with family)

Is your DC's condition likely to be this way for the foreseeable future or is it a temporary two to three year issue?


OP here. Thanks for your comments (thanks for everyone's comments, even the ones telling me to stop being such a baby). Btw, I did say in my original post that I was becoming slightly resentful-not outright pissed or holding a grudge. Just that I could feel this coming on and wanted to nip it in the bud. I'm not going on a rampage or anything- I know I have an immature tendency to become a little resentful and I'm trying to keep it in check.

We actually don't make enough money for either of us to feel comfortable outsourcing cleaning, etc. DH's promotion was the kind that is a big change in title, but not in money (at least for now- will pick up some in the future though).

DS has a multitude of issues that we don't forsee him growing out of. Like I said, he can be fine for awhile, then all of a sudden fall to pieces, necessitating a flurry of appts left and right.

I did appreciate the poster who said she thought it was imperative that one parent become the medical expert. My only issue is that one of DS' issues is a severe allergy to peanuts and treenuts. I'm the one who researched allergists, took him to all his tests, etc., which I'm fine with. What I'm not fine with is that b/c DH doesn't go to the appts, he doesn't listen to the allergist talk about how it's important to do x,y, and z or to avoid A, B, and C. So DH then doesn't understand the severity of it and doesn't read labels or thinks it's ok to take DS to a bakery. But, that really is a separate issue and nothing to do with this thread
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2013 09:21     Subject: How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think you should accept it. My husband's job has a lot more flexibility than mine. He takes DS to almost all of his doctor's appointments. We cannot change the expectations of our respective jobs, and the market is not good to be looking for new jobs. Whenever I can, I take off to try to do a few appointments, but it isn't possible for me to do the majority of them. It is possible for DH to do so. Not everything will be equal, that is the reality of life.


This. I have a child that was born with a rare genetic disorder. I cannot even begin to tell you how many doctor visits and hospitalizations we endured the first years of her life. I ended up having to temporarily quit my job because finding answers to my daughter's mysterious problems became a full time job. A few things:

1. If your child truly has issues, it is IMPARITIVE that one parent take the lead on the medical issues. This parent will become an expert and will be able to know what does and does not work and quite frankly when a doctor is full of shit. I ended up peeling through medical journals and obscure studies. As a result I found, NOT the doctors, a study that supported an effective treatment. As a result, my daughter is now almost symptom free and finally living a normal childhood.

2. Focus your energy away from resentment and back where it belongs, which is making sure your child gets the most effective and absolute best treatment out there.

3. The divorce rate is much higher for parent so of kids who have medical problems. Instead of walking around feeling resentful and angry, try feeling grateful that you have the kind of job that affords you the flexibility to even take your child to these appointments. BOTH my DH and I had inflexible jobs therefore I ended up having to quit, since I was the lower earner. I know many parents who have sick children are in terrible positions and often thrown into financial crisis due to losing a job because they don't have that flexibility.

Life throws us curve balls. I never in my wildest dreams thought that a medical problem would cause me to have to quit my job and go on a crusade for my child. Try to get ahold of yourself and gain so perspective.


+1 - I have a child and am in the same situation. My child comes first. Gratefully we can afford for me to stay home but have to give up some of the luxuries. I do 100 % of the medical and other appointments. On a rare occasion depending on the appointment or I am sick, my husband will go. I had no flexibility at my job and was expected there no matter what. My boss was really nasty about it. I would not focus on the medical appointments. As a mom, it was important to me to be involved and be there even if my husband attended. I think the bigger issue is the after work needs of the family. I would split up tasks and give him a few to do to make it more reasonable. My husband usually does bath and bedtime while I clean up dinner and the house. If he cannot pitch in try to get someone in a few hours a week to help with the household tasks so you do not resent it all. Cheaper than a divorce.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2013 09:16     Subject: How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm a stickler for fairness, probably to a fault, but I don't mind the doc appointment thing. If he has to use leave and I can just work through lunch, I'd rather just do it myself.


Ugh. I hate people who keep score in a relationship.


Me too.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2013 09:15     Subject: How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
Anonymous wrote:Things can't be fair and you can't keep score. You need to focus on the greater good of the family.


Both parents need to do this. IME, it is difficult for both parents to have fulltime bigtime careers and have typical healthy children with out major outside support. Some people rely on family, some hire a higher level nanny, some end up sacrificing one of the careers for a more family freindly one or sah for a while. When you add a child that has more needs than the average- it is even harder.

The options are for your DH to find a less stressful and time consuming job that is more family friendly, for you (OP) to pick up the slack, or for you (plural) to hire it out - or hire out other things so you can do the DRs visits. Things you can hire out easily: lawncare, house cleaning, taking kids to after school activities/tutors/therapies, cooking, grocery shopping. (If you get paid the big bucks, sometimes you need to spend the big bucks to get time with family)

Is your DC's condition likely to be this way for the foreseeable future or is it a temporary two to three year issue?
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2013 09:14     Subject: How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
Anonymous wrote:I think you should accept it. My husband's job has a lot more flexibility than mine. He takes DS to almost all of his doctor's appointments. We cannot change the expectations of our respective jobs, and the market is not good to be looking for new jobs. Whenever I can, I take off to try to do a few appointments, but it isn't possible for me to do the majority of them. It is possible for DH to do so. Not everything will be equal, that is the reality of life.


+1 to to everything above and especially the bolded.

DS is 2. DH works less hours than I do and 5 minutes from our home whereas I work longer hours and have to commute into DC everday.

DH does day care drop off and pick up plus most doctor's appointments. I know that he's resentful bc he's mentioned it before but this is the set up that we've always had from the beginning. It did not suddenly morph into this.

I've told him I have no problem doing daycare drop off but it does mean that we will have to drop off at 2.5 hours early which means we will have to pay for an extra 12.5 hours of day care per week. I'm fine with paying more but DH is not because he gets paid less than I do and is already struggling to put in his half of the household payments. We also have a brand new baby who will start day care soon which will effectively double our daycare payments.

It's going to be very difficult in any situation for things to be split EXACTLY down the middle. I think it's best to take a look at the common good of the household when these kinds of decisions need to be made.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2013 09:11     Subject: How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't anyone question the insanity of working so many hours?


Because life is HARD. The economy is BAD. Good jobs are not exactly plentiful. People do what they have to do to put food on the table. My father died when my mother was pregnant with my sister, which was her 3rd child. She went from being a homemaker to working not ONE but TWO jobs.

It's life babe. Nobody said it would be easy.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2013 09:09     Subject: How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
Anonymous wrote:I think you should accept it. My husband's job has a lot more flexibility than mine. He takes DS to almost all of his doctor's appointments. We cannot change the expectations of our respective jobs, and the market is not good to be looking for new jobs. Whenever I can, I take off to try to do a few appointments, but it isn't possible for me to do the majority of them. It is possible for DH to do so. Not everything will be equal, that is the reality of life.


This. I have a child that was born with a rare genetic disorder. I cannot even begin to tell you how many doctor visits and hospitalizations we endured the first years of her life. I ended up having to temporarily quit my job because finding answers to my daughter's mysterious problems became a full time job. A few things:

1. If your child truly has issues, it is IMPARITIVE that one parent take the lead on the medical issues. This parent will become an expert and will be able to know what does and does not work and quite frankly when a doctor is full of shit. I ended up peeling through medical journals and obscure studies. As a result I found, NOT the doctors, a study that supported an effective treatment. As a result, my daughter is now almost symptom free and finally living a normal childhood.

2. Focus your energy away from resentment and back where it belongs, which is making sure your child gets the most effective and absolute best treatment out there.

3. The divorce rate is much higher for parent so of kids who have medical problems. Instead of walking around feeling resentful and angry, try feeling grateful that you have the kind of job that affords you the flexibility to even take your child to these appointments. BOTH my DH and I had inflexible jobs therefore I ended up having to quit, since I was the lower earner. I know many parents who have sick children are in terrible positions and often thrown into financial crisis due to losing a job because they don't have that flexibility.

Life throws us curve balls. I never in my wildest dreams thought that a medical problem would cause me to have to quit my job and go on a crusade for my child. Try to get ahold of yourself and gain so perspective.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2013 09:05     Subject: How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
Anonymous wrote:Really OP? Sounds like you have a very engaged DH and you should be embarrassed to even let this bother you enough to post it on DCUM.

Stop being selfish and childish and grow up. I am sure that eventually there will be a shift where your DH is going to "unfairly carry" more on his shoulders than you will. get over it.


+1 million!!!
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2013 09:03     Subject: How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?
Why doesn't anyone question the insanity of working so many hours?