Anonymous
Post 11/20/2013 00:03     Subject: Annoyed.
Who are all these crazy people Who are saying it's not a big deal mother-in-law it's on the account? This is a huge problem. If husband dies tomorrow, half of it is hers. If mother-in-law wants to, she can withdraw all of the money from the account. If op and husband get divorced, he can try to claim that the assets in the account are pre-marital assets. She is married. It is her business too. Assuming mother-in-law did not put any of her own money in the account, op needs to be on the account. And mother-in-law needs to be off.

Op, if mother in law is not off the account within a week, open up a new account and transfer the bill payments. You were incredibly stupid to agree to put your business account money in this account to begin with.
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2013 00:01     Subject: Annoyed.
Anonymous wrote:Good grief - OP ignore the PPs with no reading comprehension or common sense. I understand - this was always DH's account. Because he opened it when he was a minor, mom had to be named on the account. From what I gather, mom probably has not deposited any money into the account since DH was in college, if ever. All the money in the account was earned by DH. It has nothing to do with mom. He just continued using the same account all these years. I did the same - finally got around to removing my mom's name while I was in law school.

Speaking of the law - that's why you need to get MIL off the account. If DH were to die tomorrow, she gets half that money. Maybe all of it depending on which state you're in.

As for how to deal with her, don't. Just avoid her as often as possible. Let DH do all communications. Screen your calls and don't pick up if it's her. When you see her, be polite but don't discuss personal matters. If she tries to engage you in a fight walk away. If you're trapped, smile and mention the weather, a sports team, whatever. Simply do not respond to any attempt to provoke you. If she yells, leave the room. No sense trying to talk to her - she doesn't like you and won't change. Try to pretend she's your DH's boss. Even if you bated him of her, you'd still be polite when you saw them. Do the same here.



OP here. Thank you Mr. Lawyer! Sound advice!
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2013 23:59     Subject: Annoyed.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So start a new account. It will take a few account cycles to transfer stuff out, but you will get there. And stop threatening your MIL. That will solve the problem. Have you thought about why you feel the need to threaten an old woman -- one who raised your DH alone, and despite the odds, probably raised a good citizen? Are you jealous or something?


Op here. I don't threaten her. Threaten wasn't the right word. DH called her to ask her to remove her name. That made her feel unworthy, unimportant, not needed? I don't know. I do know, however, many men at the age of 30 who don't need/want their mother involved in their finances. Take my ass out of the picture...what man wants his mommy on his accounts?

My MIL doesn't like me. She wouldn't like me if I was perfect and she hasn't liked anyone. She will tell you that nobody is worthy of her son. You don't have to like me but you better be decent, cordial and show respect. The constant fits for ATTENTION and phone calls to my phone yelling at me over a decision that her son has made is not acceptable. I don't have to stand for that.

My MIL isn't an old woman. My husband is 30 and she had him at 19. You do the math!

I have not once raised my voice at MIL. I have always shut my mouth and allowed her mouth to run and spew hatred towards me. Her son asked me to marry him. Her son is happy. A good mother would be happy for her son instead of causing unnecessary drama.


Where is your MIL from? Sounds so familiar... Mine is on DHs accounts too, and I am not. whatever
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2013 23:58     Subject: Annoyed.
Good grief - OP ignore the PPs with no reading comprehension or common sense. I understand - this was always DH's account. Because he opened it when he was a minor, mom had to be named on the account. From what I gather, mom probably has not deposited any money into the account since DH was in college, if ever. All the money in the account was earned by DH. It has nothing to do with mom. He just continued using the same account all these years. I did the same - finally got around to removing my mom's name while I was in law school.

Speaking of the law - that's why you need to get MIL off the account. If DH were to die tomorrow, she gets half that money. Maybe all of it depending on which state you're in.

As for how to deal with her, don't. Just avoid her as often as possible. Let DH do all communications. Screen your calls and don't pick up if it's her. When you see her, be polite but don't discuss personal matters. If she tries to engage you in a fight walk away. If you're trapped, smile and mention the weather, a sports team, whatever. Simply do not respond to any attempt to provoke you. If she yells, leave the room. No sense trying to talk to her - she doesn't like you and won't change. Try to pretend she's your DH's boss. Even if you bated him of her, you'd still be polite when you saw them. Do the same here.

Anonymous
Post 11/19/2013 23:47     Subject: Annoyed.
So -- (a) respect the MIL and know that she may die before letting go (and good for her, you will understand it more when your DH predeceases you) … (b) change the account ASAP … (c ) meanwhile, leave her on it. This just sounds like an easy fix. It cannot be that hard to roll proceeds from one account to another, or to get your clients to start depositing to another account. You bought into this by marrying a Mama's boy - just roll with it. Really not worth the time or effort. She wants to yell? So be it. Don't hang up. This is not a RESPECT thing - it's an older woman trying to keep control of the petty piece of turf she has. Who cares. Why let it bother you.
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2013 23:44     Subject: Annoyed.
Forgot to add...

The account was opened by MIL when DH was a minor. DH's name is on the account with MIL. I don't know why the account was opened, I believe it was opened when DH started working at 15. DH, obviously, didn't see the big deal in her removing herself from the account. If it was something such as a family business, something that she owned with him, gift money from her to him, ect. I would understand why me being on the account was not acceptable.
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2013 23:42     Subject: Annoyed.
Anonymous wrote:But you have not explained why she was on the account to begin with … If she is on the account, it is HER account. Really - by law, by practicality, etc. Was he such a momma's boy that as an adult he put his mom's name on his own account? Was he just too stupid to figure out how to open another account when he grew up? What on earth is going on that you and DH are running your entire business through an account with his mom's name on it? Something is totally funky here (from a CPA's standpoint). Either it was her business to begin with (so show some respect and leave her on the account) … or your DH was a coddled baby and couldn't have his own account (rough ride in changing the diaper duty from mommy to spouse sounds predictable) … or there is some weird tax scheme going on. Which is it?


We haven't been using this account long. We needed a separate account, this one was already opened and DH knew his Mom would take her name off. I thought nothing of it.

This business is DH and MY business. She has never owned any of the business. She's never worked a day in the office.

DH was a Mama's Boy when we first met. He has grown leaps and bounds. He is trying very hard to be a man (in every sense of the word) and his Mom has had an extremely hard time letting go.
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2013 23:38     Subject: Annoyed.
But you have not explained why she was on the account to begin with … If she is on the account, it is HER account. Really - by law, by practicality, etc. Was he such a momma's boy that as an adult he put his mom's name on his own account? Was he just too stupid to figure out how to open another account when he grew up? What on earth is going on that you and DH are running your entire business through an account with his mom's name on it? Something is totally funky here (from a CPA's standpoint). Either it was her business to begin with (so show some respect and leave her on the account) … or your DH was a coddled baby and couldn't have his own account (rough ride in changing the diaper duty from mommy to spouse sounds predictable) … or there is some weird tax scheme going on. Which is it?
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2013 23:36     Subject: Annoyed.
Anonymous wrote:And because OP can't explain why they can't open a bank account coherently, she changes things up and says this post is all about her MIL disrespecting her -- how should she deal with it? But the fact is that MIL is actually behaving reasonably in this case (who knows about other cases) … so it's pretty hard to give advice other than OPEN YOUR OWN ACCOUNT.


You must be one of the 15 or so people to comment but not read the replies. I never said we couldn't open an account. I said we could but that it's a lot of work. Good try though!
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2013 23:33     Subject: Annoyed.
Anonymous wrote:So start a new account. It will take a few account cycles to transfer stuff out, but you will get there. And stop threatening your MIL. That will solve the problem. Have you thought about why you feel the need to threaten an old woman -- one who raised your DH alone, and despite the odds, probably raised a good citizen? Are you jealous or something?


Op here. I don't threaten her. Threaten wasn't the right word. DH called her to ask her to remove her name. That made her feel unworthy, unimportant, not needed? I don't know. I do know, however, many men at the age of 30 who don't need/want their mother involved in their finances. Take my ass out of the picture...what man wants his mommy on his accounts?

My MIL doesn't like me. She wouldn't like me if I was perfect and she hasn't liked anyone. She will tell you that nobody is worthy of her son. You don't have to like me but you better be decent, cordial and show respect. The constant fits for ATTENTION and phone calls to my phone yelling at me over a decision that her son has made is not acceptable. I don't have to stand for that.

My MIL isn't an old woman. My husband is 30 and she had him at 19. You do the math!

I have not once raised my voice at MIL. I have always shut my mouth and allowed her mouth to run and spew hatred towards me. Her son asked me to marry him. Her son is happy. A good mother would be happy for her son instead of causing unnecessary drama.
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2013 23:33     Subject: Annoyed.
And because OP can't explain why they can't open a bank account coherently, she changes things up and says this post is all about her MIL disrespecting her -- how should she deal with it? But the fact is that MIL is actually behaving reasonably in this case (who knows about other cases) … so it's pretty hard to give advice other than OPEN YOUR OWN ACCOUNT.
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2013 23:31     Subject: Annoyed.
Um, if the MIL set up the account with DH, as a joint account when it was only MIL and DH living together then, yes, actually it is OK for MIL to be on the account. A lot of times these accounts are acutally the PARENTS account - they put a child on for convenience, in case they stroke out and can't run their affairs. Sounds like DH and his chick took over the account for some business they run together (or took the MIL's business over) -- like 10 years ago. And they can't figure out how to transition to another account (which is not hard at all).
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2013 23:29     Subject: Annoyed.
So start a new account. It will take a few account cycles to transfer stuff out, but you will get there. And stop threatening your MIL. That will solve the problem. Have you thought about why you feel the need to threaten an old woman -- one who raised your DH alone, and despite the odds, probably raised a good citizen? Are you jealous or something?
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2013 23:27     Subject: Annoyed.
Anonymous wrote:OK, PP, why do you care if the MIL is on the account if she doesn't access it? Really, let her save that face. If you think she thinks you are bad DIL because you want to be taken care of, meaning you want to have access to the account, leave it the way it is - with DH and MIL on the account. Or add yourself but leave MIL, if that truly is the last tie with DH. In other words, why are you (or DH) expecting an older woman and mom to sever her last tie with DH, which you know she won't want to do … if it is a pyrrhic exercise. Let her keep face and stay on the account. I doubt she is going to come clean it out one day. It just sounds to me like you are a bad DIL. You want to squish MIL out - her worst fear as a single mom. I would hate you too.


Who are you people!?! Are you the mother in law?!? In no way shape or form is it okay for a mother to be on their grown up children's accounts. This is the role of the wife. Sever her last tie?? They are married and its their money not the mothers. For what it's worth I have my name on every single one of my DHs accounts.
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2013 23:26     Subject: Annoyed.
Anonymous wrote:OK, PP, why do you care if the MIL is on the account if she doesn't access it? Really, let her save that face. If you think she thinks you are bad DIL because you want to be taken care of, meaning you want to have access to the account, leave it the way it is - with DH and MIL on the account. Or add yourself but leave MIL, if that truly is the last tie with DH. In other words, why are you (or DH) expecting an older woman and mom to sever her last tie with DH, which you know she won't want to do … if it is a pyrrhic exercise. Let her keep face and stay on the account. I doubt she is going to come clean it out one day. It just sounds to me like you are a bad DIL. You want to squish MIL out - her worst fear as a single mom. I would hate you too.


Why do I care?

I run a business. An effing business that I need to access the funds to RUN. My husband travels. How the hell do I access funds when he isn't in town? I don't. Which means work isn't completed on time and I can't do my job!

Was it a BAD idea of DH and myself to even put money into said account with her name on it? Absolutely. Would it be better if we just opened a new account? Absolutely again! The point of the thread wasn't so much the account or this particular situation but more so how my MIL acts and treats people when she feels threatened or upset.